Quaere Verum

Second last day of the year....

2011-12-30T19:54:00.002+08:00

It's the second last day of the year.

It's been more or less a good year I suppose...still had my fair share of hard knocks. Perhaps even more than years past. I guess things are looking up now...though my losses are still pretty apparent.

I hope 2012 turns out to be a better year than 2011.

Hacked Cabal PH accounts: an inside job?

2011-11-03T13:30:00.005+08:00

I cannot recommend any of their (e-Games') online games to any online gamer who values security and the integrity of their accounts.

Last November 1, around 4:00 PM, I was logged in on Cabal Online PH, a Korean MMORPG published locally by E-Games using my PC at home. With my character just idly standing in the vicinity of Bloody Ice (one of the first three towns of the game) and while I was tending to other things, all of a sudden the account logged off. Thinking it was only a network problem, I tried logging on again, only to be given the message that my account was already active. I logged on, only to be disconnected again, with the message that someone else was logging in my account. I tried logging on again, got disconnected, and tried logging again several times in succession. After several minutes I finally got my account logged on. When I selected the character I was online with only a few moments ago, it was stripped naked. Checking the inventory and personal storage, my worst fears have been confirmed. My account has been hacked, and the valuable items were stolen.

As a matter of course I filed a help ticket with Cabal Online PH's support desk, then I called up my girlfriend who's also into playing Cabal Online. Her account was also hacked...only within a half hour or so of my account being hacked. Like mine, her character lost its armor and a number of valuable items. All in all, the lost items represent quite a huge fortune if expressed in in-game currency, and possibly a small one if we're talking real money.

I guess if you've been playing Cabal Online PH yourself, no doubt you've heard of horror stories of other accounts being hacked. Maybe your account has been hacked before. Me? My account has never been hacked before. My girlfriend's account as well. I've been playing Cabal Online PH for more than three years on and off, and the same account and character of mine that was hacked was the same one I've been using during Cabal Online PH's open beta testing three years ago. My girlfriend has been playing it for slightly more than a year.

The clincher is, I don't think either of us fall within the norm for your standard hacking case.

Both of us are in our 30s, degree holders, gainfully employed, and play Cabal Online as a diversion from our daily routines. We play only on our own PCs and own internet connections. I play on my home PC or on my laptop, connecting either through PLDT DSL or through Sun's wireless broadband service. My girlfriend only plays on her laptop, also through Sun Wireless Broadband. We have never played in an internet café, on a public computer, or on any other computers other than the ones we own.

Both of us have IT backgrounds, so we know the importance of regularly scanning our PCs for viruses and malware. Before and after the hacking incident, we have scanned our computers with reputable and up-to-date anti-malware and anti-virus utilities and determined them to be free from any such malicious software.

We have never used any third-party programs, cheats, or hacks. We play the game as it was meant to be played, and enjoy the game that way.

We've never let anyone else use our accounts. Other than ourselves, no one knows our login names, much less our passwords. And our passwords aren't easy to guess for that matter.

We are aware of phishing and scam sites and have never logged on any of them, and we have never entered our login names and passwords on any other site except the official e-Games portal.

We also as a matter of course keep our inventories and storage areas locked and secured.

Yet, despite all these precautions, our accounts were compromised, and our characters' expensive items stolen.

Perhaps worth noting, is that our accounts only got hacked a couple of weeks after our characters started donning Mithril armor (the most expensive armor in the game) and the fact that our characters belong to the same guild...information, that it isn't farfetched to surmise, which can easily be gleaned from a character database using an appropriate search query.

To be honest, I've been racking my brain if there was something else I could have done differently...something I could have done to further secure my account. I can't think of anything else.

Based on this, we've arrived at the hypothesis that our accounts could have only been hacked by those with inside access, meaning either an e-Games employee, or someone with access to login information obtained through an e-Games employee.

There is simply no other explanation.

Check the audit trails...check the backup data...check the logins of your personnel, and the IP addresses for consistency. It is so easy for an authorized employee to get the relevant login information from its database, forward it to an outside accomplice who can then log in the account and steal the valuable items, only to sell it later for real money.

While e-Games maintains the policy, and this we agree with, that it is the player's responsibility to secure the confidentiality of his/her account password, we strongly disagree with the premise that e-Games itself is entirely free from any liability, given that the security of its internal account database and system are its responsibility and not the responsibility of the players themselves. There are only two possible avenues to a security breach, one is through the client side, and the other through the server side. e-Games cannot claim absence of responsibility on its part of maintaining the security and integrity of its server-side data.

In fact, the Game Policies of e-Games itself bear out this inconsistency:

xxx...E-Games does not guarantee that its portal and corresponding game websites are free of any harmful software, and that the same is hack-proof. Account Security is therefore the sole responsibility of the account holder. As such, you are earnestly enjoined to take all security measures reasonably available to safeguard the operating system and accounts when accessing the Games and the websites...xxx

e-Games admits that it cannot guarantee that its portal and websites are free from any harmful software and the same is [sic] hack proof...and yet in the same paragraph it maintains that account security is the sole responsibility of the account holder.

Honestly, I believe this is a lot of bull. Admitting that one cannot guarantee the security of its system, then passing the sole responsibility of account security to the player, who is merely a client/user. And this from a company who profits by selling privileges to players to use on its system.

I can go on a legalistic tirade on why this policies are bull, but that is not the point of this blog post. The point of this blog post is the fact is that e-Games itself, by our own experience, and by its own admission cannot guarantee the security of its own system. This is simply unacceptable for a company which operates that system for profit.

Admittedly, the concept of MMORPGs has very little legislation going for it in terms of client/user protection, but there are tons of general laws which can be invoked in order to protect the rights of the client/user. It cannot be helped I suppose, online gaming being a niche market in itself, that it is for the most part unregulated. Nonetheless, that is not an excuse for not securing the personal information and login passwords of registered users.

From a practical point of view...if you are aware of and diligently follow all of the rules when it comes to account security, who else is there to blame for hacked accounts? To my mind, the blame falls squarely on e-Games' shoulders, and they cannot shirk away from this responsibility on the basis of its game policies and license agreements.

Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating, nor am I planning to take this issue to court. That's a bit extreme for something which is as trivial as an MMORPG. Nor am I or my girlfriend clamoring for the return of the lost in-game items, which may or may not be possible. Thankfully, the items were procured through honest-to-goodness in-game farming and selling and not bought using real money. But still, the effort exerted shouldn't just go to waste...or trashed because of e-Games' inability to provide adequate data security.

For me, e-Games should just do right to those who have been availing of its services, the very players it gets its profits from. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not one of those pimple-faced teenagers whose (admittedly sometimes exaggerated) claims or allegations e-Games may easily dismiss.

The requisite help tickets have been filed, though there is still no official response at this point. Personally, I am looking at all the possible angles and remedies for this situation, which may include government involvement, media, and possibly, if the circumstances warrant, court intervention, though only as a last resort, if only just to establish a point, never mind if the case is actually lost or won.

Frankly, the loss represents more to me than just the loss of in-game items. The hacking incident has eroded my trust in e-Games' ability to secure its system, and for that reason I cannot recommend any of their online games to any online gamer who values security and the integrity of their accounts. Go to some other online game publisher, one with a better track record when it comes to security, or stick with local network multiplayer gaming or single-player games.

And consequentially, the lack of trust with e-Games has now deprived me of an activity that I once enjoyed and shared with my significant other and even my son before. It's a good thing though, that there are other things to do. But still...

The reason that hacking is so prevalent...and yes, it IS prevalent...just Google up "Cabal PH hacking"...is because it can potentially be a very lucrative endeavor. It is not unheard of for people to spend up to thousands, even tens of thousands of pesos, just to get the most powerful virtual weapons and armor, or the highest level characters. And somehow, in this gray market, hardly any regulation exists, at the expense of those honest players who don't deal in real-money trading and only wish to enjoy a pleasant and secure gaming experience, willing to pay the nominal and legal costs incidental to it and its local publication, but somehow find themselves victimized by unscrupulous hackers. e-Games' indifference to hacking doesn't help either.

This is not the end though. We may no longer be playing Cabal Online with the enthusiasm and zeal we had before...hell, we may even quit entirely given our distrust with e-Games...but personally, I don't want this loss on our part to be in vain. Sooner or later more people will realize the one-sidedness of this entire episode, e-Games' indifference to the plight of its hacked players, the massive hacking that has remained largely unchecked, and local online game publishers, especially e-Games, will be forced to put a higher priority on data security, on data confidentiality, on employee selection. We expect the highest level of data security when it comes to credit cards, bank accounts, ATMs, money transfers and remittances, social services like SSS and PhilHealth, prepaid loads, internet accounts, email accounts, social networking sites, etc. Online games should be no different. And if a company cannot guarantee the security of its data, it has no business holding our personal account information only for them to lose or allowed to be divulged and be misused.

Sometimes....

2011-09-02T13:33:00.001+08:00

Doing the seemingly hurtful thing is the only way to get the message across.

New notebook....

2011-08-30T13:47:00.009+08:00

Just a few days ago I bought a new notebook computer to replace my trusty yet aging Compaq Presario CQ40-107AU. That notebook served me well for three years, and it'll still continue to serve my purposes here at home, no longer as my main portable unit.

So what did I replace it with? I replaced it, of all things, a Samsung. Yes, I admit, Samsung is not really a brand that comes to mind when talking about notebook computers. Until only a few years ago, they were all but unknown in the portable computing segment. Now, they seem set to be a force to be reckoned with in this product category, the same way they started out before virtually dominating sales of LCD TVs and mobile phones. And their tablets aren't that bad either, having owned a Galaxy Tab for several months now.

It's not that I set out from the start to get a Samsung notebook computer. I do my notebook shopping the same way I've always done...with a budget and set of specs in mind. Then I set out to find the most bang for my hard-earned buck. I've considered the usual suspects: Asus, Acer, Compaq, HP, etc. and even got close to choosing a particular MSI model with an Intel Core i5 processor and a Radeon GPU. Then I saw the Samsung. A Samsung NP 305V4A-S02PH.

The specs are pretty impressive for P32,900.00. At it's heart is an AMD A6-3410MX APU. It's not just a CPU, it's an APU. It combines 4 Phenom II-class processor cores with 1 MB of L2 cache each, a Radeon 6520G GPU, a UVD3 video processor, a DDR3 memory controller, and a PCIe 2.0 controller all on a single die. It runs at a speed of 1.6 GHz, but can push the speed up to 2.3 GHz on individual processor cores when some of them are inactive (Turbo Core technology, in AMD-speak). This chip alone gives you a quad-core processor, a 3D GPU, and a HD video processor.

The rest of the specs outside the APU are not too shabby either. An AMD A60M chipset, a Radeon HD6470M GPU with 512MB GDDR3 dedicated video memory (giving this notebook 2 GPUs) 4 GB of DDR3 memory running at 1333 MHz, a 640 GB SATA drive, a DVD Super-Multi Drive, gigabit LAN, 802.11 b/g/n, a 14" LED display, a 1.3 MP webcam, and card reader, among others. Windows 7 Home Basic 64-bit is also preinstalled, and a recovery disk is included with the package.

Basically, this notebook is not only state-of-the-art (the A6 3410MX APU was only introduced about two months ago), it's chock full of features and affordable to boot. And if Samsung makes notebook computers as well as they make LCD TVs, mobile phones and tablets, I'd say we have a keeper. Well at least for another few years.

Reasons why it's never a good idea to position your PC on the floor....

2011-08-08T21:20:00.002+08:00

For some reason, a lot of my colleagues at work and even some of my friends in their homes prefer to position their PCs on the floor, leaving only their monitors, keyboards and mice on their tables. Frankly, I don't think this is such a good idea. True, the jumble of cables coming from the rear of a PC isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing, but if one values reliability, durability and ease of use above aesthetics, it is always preferable to position a PC in an elevated position such as on a table, and not to leave it on the floor.

Reasons:

Modern PCs have plenty of components which generate a lot of heat such as the CPU, the northbridge chip, power supply and video card among others. To keep these components cool, a PC typically has at least two fans, often more, and are configured to suck cool air from the front of the PC, through the chassis and out through the power supply and/or an exhaust fan at the rear. A PC on the floor tends to suck up the dirt, dust and grime on the floor (even animal hair if you have pets), clogging up heatsinks and coating electronic components, making them less effective in releasing heat to the air. This results in higher operating temperatures which could leading to premature component failure. It's even worse if you sweep in front of the PC, or if your floor is carpeted, as the PC acts like a vacuum cleaner sucking all the dust and dirt in front of it.

Frequent exposure to dust can also cause the optical drive to malfunction as the laser read/write lens can get coated with dust;
In office settings, cleaning crews typically scrub and mop floors during the weekends. It's not unusual for these crews to unwittingly splash water and detergent on PCs located on the floor. Most vulnerable to water splashes are the ports at the rear. Water can also get in through the various air inlets. Moisture can lead to corroded contacts and/or short circuits. The chassis could also rust;
PCs on floors are vulnerable to various small animals/insects. Mice can chew on the various cables, or urinate on the rear ports. Cockroaches may crawl in the small holes of the chassis and lay their eggs or other secretions on the various components. These can be corrosive and eventually lead to component failure;
PCs on floors tend to be more exposed to inadvertent kicks from people sitting in front of them. A kick while the hard drive is reading/writing could result in the read/write head smashing into the hard disk recording surface, possible leading to a hard disk crash, bad sectors and/or loss/corruption of data;
From a usability point of view, it's not very practical to always bend down just to plug in a USB drive or insert a disc in the drive, when you can just reach over if the PC is on your desk;
It also helps if the hard disk access lights are visible. That way you can determine at a glance if your PC has already frozen, or if it's just reading from the drive.

If you really prefer to set your PC on the floor, get one of those stands to elevate the chassis at least several inches from floor level. This would mitigate some of the hazards mentioned above. If your PC's chassis is one of the floor-standing types that are meant to be placed on the floor, keep the area around the PC free from dust or pests.

Lastly, if the jumble of wires from the back of your PC bothers you, invest in wireless keyboard mouse/combo. Nowadays they're dirt cheap. Pardon the pun.

Commonwealth Ave. lot for sale or lease....

2011-07-05T22:03:00.000+08:00

Just a repost. You never know who might notice.

Anyone here interested in purchasing or leasing a plot of commercial land located along Commonwealth Ave. in Quezon City? It's my father's property, and it has a lot area of 2,844 sqm., with a number of residential improvements. The frontage is a bit on the small side, at 14 m., but it directly faces Commonwealth Ave.

The lot has been on the market for quite a while, but since the real estate market has been down for some time now...well you know how it is.

Just in case you're interested, or know someone who is, please feel free to leave a comment or to email me at ronallandottk@yahoo.com. To cut the hassle, would prefer to deal with direct buyers only. Sometimes it can be quite hard dealing with a multitude of brokers and middlemen...you know how that is too. :-)

You can also call 9315575 if you have any inquiries.

Siteplan of the property.

Aerial view. The road at the top of the photo is Commonwealth Avenue.

Here's a tighter aerial shot. The improvements are clearly visible from this distance.

And just in case you're wondering, no, I didn't hire an airplane or a helicopter. Used Google Earth instead. :-)

20,000 km Hyundai i10....

2011-07-04T19:07:00.007+08:00

19 months ago, I bought a brand new 2009 Hyundai i10 for use as a daily driver to replace the aging 1994 Nissan Sentra I've been driving for several years now. Well, after 20,000 km, I'm pleased to report the car has exceeded all my expectations of Hyundai in general, and of a small city car in particular.

To be perfectly honest though, the Hyundai i10 was not really my first choice for a new car. I've always driven subcompacts before, and I've never driven a car as small as the i10. Like most people, I assumed a city car would be tight on the inside, slow on acceleration, low on power on inclines, and basically full of compromises all throughout. I would have preferred to buy another subcompact, but alas, like most other people, I gravitated to what I could afford and not necessarily what I wanted. Fortunately, it all worked out in the end.

The i10 is roomier than looking at it from the outside would suggest. It's at least as roomy than the old Nissan Sentra I used to drive, probably roomier. Four average size adults would fit in with no problems, and a fifth passenger could be squeezed in the back seat should the need arise, with not many complaints. Hyundai accomplished this feat of maximizing interior space by pushing the wheels out to the very corners of the car, utilizing a cab forward design, raising the roofline, and mounting the gearshift lever on the dash instead of between the front passenger seats. What you end up is a box on wheels with a very airy and comfortable interior which at first glance doesn't seem to jive with small size of the car when viewed from the outside. Of course, it isn't all roses though. The i10 has a rather small luggage compartment. It could be maximized though, by lowering the rear seatbacks. While the limited cargo capacity may prove to be a liability, it's not a deal breaker by any means considering that the i10 is a city car, and was never really meant to transport huge items. That hasn't stopped me from trying though, as I have successfully transported a computer table, a washing machine, and a personal refrigerator (not at the same time, obviously), when the need came up.

Performance-wise, the i10 is a revelation. Under the short hood is an all aluminum four-cylinder 1.2 liter DOHC 16-valve electronic fuel injection engine which Hyundai calls it's Kappa engine. It produces about 75 hp at 6,000 rpm and 11.8 kg/m of torque at 4,000 rpm. At first I was a bit doubtful about the capabilities of modern small displacement engines, but nowadays, a smallish engine isn't as bad as you might think. Output-wise, it is actually as powerful as some older larger displacement engines, sometimes even more so. Couple that with the i10's low curb weight, and you get a very nippy car. When forced, the engine has enough grunt to take you from zero to a hundred kilometers per hour in 12.8 seconds, and a maximum speed in excess of 160 kph. Nope, those aren't performance car figures, but perfectly adequate for a city car used occasionally on highway jaunts. Besides, with it's 5-speed manual gearbox, you get on average about 12 km/l of fuel in city driving, and upwards of 16 km/l on the highway. I've heard automatics get a lot less though.

As for comfort, the i10 is full of features which used to be unheard of in entry level city cars like power locks and windows, motor driven power steering and airconditioning. For no additional cost I also got keyless entry and alarm, a rear spoiler, door visors, rear backup camera, and a CD/DVD/USB/SD/iPod/TV/AM/FM head unit with a 7" touchscreen.

Safetywise, there's a driver's airbag, seatbelts all around, front foglights, a center high mounted stop light and rear wiper and washer, among the other usual standard safety features.

Okay, so it's cheap, roomy, comfortable, and relatively safe. So how does it hold up after 19 months and 20,000 km?

Mechanically, it's been bulletproof, only requiring typical engine maintenance every 5,000 km. The only trouble spots fixed under warranty were a faulty brakelight switch which occurred after nine months and replaced after about three weeks, an airbag clock spring, and the head unit screen tilt mechanism which both failed after sixteen months and replaced also after about three weeks.

Nitpicks? Aside from the small cargo capacity, the ride is a bit choppy on broken or uneven pavement, though that's to be expected for a small car with a relatively short wheelbase. The stiff suspension however, makes it handle surprisingly well on smooth roads. There's an annoying blind spot by the A-pillars, and Hyundai seems to be rather slow when it comes to procuring spare parts.

All in all, the 2009 Hyundai i10 has proven to be a worthy daily driver and comes highly recommended if you're looking for a cheap, reliable, comfortable and economical city car.

Good points:

Inexpensive to buy;
Spacious interior;
Good fit and finish;
Durable mechanicals;
Quality interior;
Excellent forward visibility;
Feisty engine with good fuel economy;
Lots of standard features;
Good high-speed stability;
Solid ride and handling on smooth roads;
Good ground clearance;
Five-year warranty.

Bad points:

Small cargo capacity;
Blind spot at the A-pillars when cornering;
Choppy ride on broken or uneven pavement;
Manually adjustable side mirrors;
Rumbly OEM tires (Kumho Solus KH17);
Cheap plastic wheel covers;
Small, hard to read tachometer;
No passenger-side airbag and ABS;
Minor electrical gremlins;
Periodic maintenance is every 5,000 km instead of 10,000 km, can get expensive;
Slow turnaround for replacement parts.

Competitors:

Chery QQ (cheaper, questionable quality);
Chevrolet Spark (more power, less torque);
Kia Picanto (smaller engine, more expensive, no airbags)
Suzuki Celerio (with airbags and ABS, smaller engine, cramped interior, manual rear windows).

Must have free apps for your Galaxy Tab....

2011-06-16T11:37:00.003+08:00

Even right out of the box, the Samsung Galaxy Tab is an eminently useful device. Turn it on for the first time, click on Applications, and almost everything you need is already there, ready to use. A built-in alarm clock, web browser, calendar, music player, calculator, camera, contacts, newsreader, eBook reader, email, memo pad, file manager, navigation, instant messaging, social networking, office suite, you name it, it's probably already there.

You could probably get by using just the preinstalled applications and wouldn't miss a thing. But the Galaxy Tab is more than just the features it already has. It's a full-fledged tablet computer using the very flexible and open Android operating system. As such, it has the potential to be much more than what it was brand new. This is where the Android Market comes in.

The Android Market features hundreds, if not thousands of applications for the Android operating system, and many of them are absolutely free. So other than the investment you already made when you bought your Galaxy Tab and an internet connection which you may have already paid for, you don't have to shell out anymore for useful, quality apps for your tablet.

Here's some of the free Apps I actually use and highly recommend (tested to work on Galaxy Tabs, Froyo and Gingerbread Android versions):

Antivirus

Better safe than sorry.

Anti-Virus Free (AVG Mobilation) - From the authors of the popular AVG Anti-Virus for PCs. Regularly updated.

Toggle Apps

These apps simply turn a feature of the Galaxy Tab on or off. You don't really need them, since the options are already there on the Tab, but some require a little digging through menus, so these can be potential timesavers if you frequently have to toggle features. These also allow you to maximize the Tab's battery because you can easily turn off certain battery-hogging features (like Wi-Fi or GPS for example) with one press. You could also maximize your data plan by turning it on only when needed.

Airplane Mode Toggle (SchreinerDev) - Turn on and off all wireless functions with a single press;

WiFi OnOff (CurveFish) Turn your Wi-Fi on or off with a single press;

APN OnOff (CurveFish) - Enable or disable your access points with a single press. Great for conserving your data plan consumption if it's not unlimited;

Bluetooth OnOff (CurveFish) - Accidentally leave your Bluetooth connection on after using your car's handsfree or a headset? A single press now turns it off;

GPS OnOff (CurveFish) The GPS receiver can be a real battery-hog. Turn it off with one press;

AutoRotate OnOff (CurveFish) - Toggle the auto-screen orientation lock on or off with a single keypress.

Shortcuts

2G-3G OnOff (CurveFish) - Quick shortcut to the Mobile network settings menu. Turn packet data on or off, change network modes (GSM/WCDMA);

Camcorder Shortcut (Bryan Owens) - One press and your camera is activated and in movie mode. Just press the record button to start. Perfect for those moments where timing is everything;

Tethering Shortcut (KABASOFT) - Instant access to the Tethering and portable hotspot menu.

App Management

App 2 SD Free (Sam Lu) - Move applications between phone memory and SD card quickly. Also provides quick uninstall functions.

Browser

Dolphin Browser™ HD (Dolphin Browser) - Lots of browsers for the Android platform, but this is arguably one of the best.

Instant Messaging

Trillian (Cerulean Studios, LLC) - Manages all of your instant messaging/email/social networking accounts with one app. A bit similar to Meebo IM, but I prefer to use this one, probably because I use Trillian on my PCs as well, and I already have a Trillian account. Still, easy enough to use even if you're a first time Trillian user. And much better than using multiple IM apps.

Social Networking

Seesmic (Seesmic) - Manage your social networks from one single App. Enables widgets with status updates. Much better than the Facebook and Twitter android apps. Those don't seem to update themselves.

Miscellaneous

Font for Galaxy (bottobuche) - Getting tired of the Galaxy Tab's stock fonts? Get new ones with this app. Despite the permissions asked, it DOES NOT make phone calls. It's probably just a remnant from the development kit used. Just does what it's advertised to do. Downloads and installs fonts.

Gauge Battery Widget (Tomas Hubalek) - Excellent battery status monitoring app.

Video

Rockplayer Lite (品雪) - Plays virtually any video file format smoothly.

To find the apps mentioned above in the Android Market, just search for them using their names, or the names of the developers (in parentheses). These apps are not necessarily the only ones of their kind, nor are they necessarily the best. It all comes down to a matter of taste, it just turns out that I like these apps.

If you have any suggestions/recommendations for other useful free apps for the Galaxy Tab, or perhaps better ones than those I suggested, let me know.

Cats have feelings too....

2011-06-14T00:01:00.001+08:00

Can't get this video out of my head. We're pretty arrogant to think that we're the only beings on this planet capable of feeling emotions. The cat above clearly recognizes the dead cat as a companion that it just can't leave behind, and it does everything it can to revive it. You can sense it's frustration as its efforts prove fruitless, and it's sadness and realization of loss is palpable in the end. We don't need to anthromorphize the cat. It's expressing it's feelings much like any human would. And unlike any human, its emotions are clear and pure, uncluttered by human abstracts such as intent, malice, or conformity. If only animals can speak.

Techie wannabees and cheapskates....

2011-06-13T16:21:00.002+08:00

It used to be that techheads and geeks were few and far between. And that's still true, as far as the real techies are concerned. As for "wannabe techies", they seem to coming out all over the place, and worse, they're multiplying like rabbits.

We have the decreasing cost of technology to thank for that. It used to be that tech gadgets cost an arm and a leg. Not anymore. Desktop PCs, notebooks, netbooks, digital cameras, MP3 players, cellphones, etc., have been commoditized to the point that you can buy a perfectly decent sample of any of these things for just a reasonable amount of money. And if it breaks, it's probably even cheaper to just buy new instead of having it repaired. Tablets are likely to be the next big thing to be turned into mere commodities. Manufacturers are launching new models left and right, and the makers who deal in huge volumes like Acer, Asus, HP, etc. are getting in on the action. It's a safe bet that in a year or two, tablets, regardless of make, will be as common as cellphones are now.

I'm not complaining about that. It's good that tech has gone mainstream. Technology should be accessible to everyone, not only to a select few. But still, it has its drawbacks.

Like the emergence of the new breed of "techie wannabees". People who a year or two ago would probably not even bother to or dare buy a new PC, tablet or smartphone are now buying in droves, driven by the techno-lust inspired by the new generation of relatively inexpensive, easy-to-use, and fashionable must-have tech doodads. That's all well and good, but as with all things, a little knowledge still remains a dangerous thing.

Like this person I know who used to lust over an iPhone and a Galaxy S smartphone. Now he wants a Galaxy S II. That's just dandy and all, but he only uses his phone to call and text. He doesn't have a data plan, doesn't intend to get a data plan, and he's not even that interested in browsing the net or even reading his email on the go. He's not into social networks, and on top of that, he's farsighted so he can hardly read his phone without his reading glasses or squinting like Jan-Michael Vincent, if you're old enough to remember him. Despite this, he would evangelize to me how a particular model is so much better because it has an AMOLED display, or this model is better because its processor is 1 GHz while a competing product runs as 800 MHz. When window shopping for a new phone he would dress down a hapless store clerk for suggesting a model without an AMOLED screen when he probably doesn't even know what AMOLED stands for (it stands for Active Matrix Organic Light Emitting Diode). I spotted him a few days ago, and he's using a cheap myPhone. Not that there's anything wrong about using a cheap phone...but you do have to ask yourself what the fuss was all about. Go figure.

Then there's this other person, who bought an iPad 2 even before it was formally introduced here. He bought the top-of-the-line WiFi+3G model, and carries it with him everywhere he goes. On one occasion, a colleague inquired on how much his baby cost. He replied that he bought it in excess of 1,000 USD (converted for clarity from local currency) from a gray market vendor. When asked if he has a data plan for it, he said no, adding that he only uses prepaid credits, and there's no need, since he (braggingly) said that he had a broadband connection at home. To my mind, he's just showing off, and failing miserably at it, showing in the process how much of a techie wannabe and cheapskate he is at the same time. If you can afford to buy an expensive 3G tablet, it's a no-brainer to get a data plan (even a cheap one) for it. If you only plan to use it with your home internet connection, then don't even bother getting a 3G model. And if you can afford a $1,000 tablet, you can afford to buy a cheap data plan. It's like buying an expensive exotic car then mounting cheap wheels and tires on it, just because you claim you don't get out much. Absolutely pointless.

Then there's the time when two people I know were insisting that getting an external keyboard for a tablet was a good idea. Frankly, I think the whole thing is as pointless as watering your plants during a rainstorm. One of them insisted that you can do office work on it if you had a keyboard. You buy a tablet for its portability. You use it to consume content. Tablets, no matter what size, were never really intended for users who create content. Aside from the basics, there really isn't much you can do with it with it...but that's perfectly alright, because that's how tablets were designed in the first place. If you were to go through the trouble of getting a tablet and carrying an external keyboard with you wherever you go and try to do office work on it, then you might as well should have bought a notebook or netbook computer from the start. It's like buying a sleek sports car and fitting it with an offroad suspension and wheels and tires, when you could have opted to just a buy an SUV from the start.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I could go on and on with all the arguments and discussions (friendly ones to be sure) I've had with techie wannabees. Frankly, I'm just getting tired of listening to and dealing with these people.

Oh well. That's progress for you.

Related Posts:

Tech Poseurs....

How to upgrade your Galaxy Tab from Froyo to Gingerbread....

2011-06-12T16:39:00.006+08:00

The much awaited Android 2.3.3 ("Gingerbread") upgrade to the Samsung Galaxy Tab has finally made it's way to the Philippines after months of waiting, and thankfully, installing the update is a relatively painless exercise.

You need the following to perform the upgrade:

Your Samsung Galaxy Tab (with the older 2.2 "Froyo" Android OS), battery fully charged (just to be on the safe side);
Data cable;
The latest version of Samsung Kies (latest version as of this posting is v2.0.0.11044_11_3);
PC with internet connection.

The time to complete the process depends a lot on the speed of your internet access. In my case it took about half an hour on a modest 1 Mbps DSL connection.

Connect the Galaxy Tab to the PC via data cable and run Samsung Kies. Depending on how you have your Tab set up it will either automatically connect itself to the Samsung Kies application, or it will ask you to select a USB mode. If it does, select Samsung Kies. Once the tablet is recognized the software will inform you of an available firmware update and ask you if you wish to install it. Select "Yes" and follow the rest of the instructions. You will be prompted to backup the data on your tablet, which you ought to do, just in case something goes wrong.

A few suggestions: close other running applications on your PC, stop or pause any other ongoing downloads, don't fiddle with the tablet's menu during the process, don't shut down the PC or tablet, don't disconnect the data cable.

Note that if you use your Galaxy Tab as a phone, you won't be able receive calls or text during the duration of process.

As with all firmware upgrades, the trick for a successful firmware installation is to make sure that the process is not interrupted for whatever reason, and to get it over and done with as quickly as possible.

At this point all you have to do is wait while the update is downloaded. It may take a while if you have a slow internet connection. Once the update is downloaded, it will automatically install itself on the tablet. Later on you will be prompted to restart the tablet and to disconnect/reconnect the data cable.

If all goes well (and it probably should), your Galaxy Tab will boot up with the new Android version.

I haven't been fully able to spot all the differences from the older Android version, but offhand I'd say that the upgrade made some minor tweaks to the interface and slightly improves the response time of the tablet.

For a complete list of differences between Froyo and Gingerbread, try this link.

I wonder if Samsung will come up with an Android 3.0 "Honeycomb" update for the Galaxy Tab. Let's not hold our breath. But let's keep our fingers crossed.

The Benefits of Rye Bread

2011-05-30T21:16:00.004+08:00

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

Sometimes....

2011-05-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

Things don't work out. Even if you try to do the right thing.

Costco Doctor

2011-05-20T10:47:00.001+08:00

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Phil says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Phil deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample...

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Phil began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Phil hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

Unsafe at any speed....

2011-05-18T10:30:00.006+08:00

The title of this blog post is a nod towards Ralph Nader's polemic 1965 book of the same title, responsible for bringing the issue of automotive safety into the eyes of the American public. Maybe, just maybe, this post could have a similar effect with respect to the Philippine public regarding the ubiquitous passenger jeepney.

In May of 2005, I wrote a blog post about why passenger jeepneys should be phased out. After six years, I think the time is right to revisit this issue.

Let's get straight to the point. My opinion on this hasn't changed. I personally feel that contemporary jeepneys should be phased out.

Jeepneys are throwbacks to a long bygone era, and are potential deathtraps for the people who drive them, the people who ride them, and the people who walk around them, the people who drive around them.

Think about it. While passenger cars have grown a long laundry list of safety features over the past several decades in an effort to reduce fatalities in accidents, jeepneys have essentially remained unchanged in design and concept after they first came into being after the close of the Second World War. In other words, they are hardly any safer now than they were before. And with engine power increasing leading to higher and higher road speeds, jeepneys are probably more dangerous now than they ever were before.

Skeptical? Just Google jeepney accidents Philippines.

But why blame the passenger jeepney? According to the Department of Transportation and Communications (DOTC), the leading cause of road accidents is human error. While I'm not disputing this fact, the thing is, while human error really does cause accidents, properly implemented vehicle safety features can do a lot to reduce fatalities and injuries by: 1) Improving the vehicle's ability to avoid accidents (active safety); or 2) Significantly reducing or redirecting the crash forces involved if an accident does occur (passive safety);

The point of the matter is, passenger jeepneys as we know them substantially lack both.

Simple things we take for granted in passenger cars that are typically absent from passenger jeepneys which could help them avoid accidents in the first place:

Working dashboard gauges and warning lights, particularly speedometers;

Working and visible park lights, turn signal lights, brake lights, tail lights and reversing lights;

Efficient or even working windshield wipers;

All you have to do is ride one or look around when you're on the road. I wonder how these vehicles can pass inspection when their registrations are renewed.

Front disc brakes.

A significant number of jeepneys still get by using front drum brakes when virtually everything else on the road has moved on to front disc brakes since the 60s. Couple drum brakes' tendency to fade under frequent braking typical in city driving and for picking up passengers, or to lock up under hard braking, and with long daily duty cycles, and inadequate maintenance, you have a surefire recipe for road accidents waiting to happen.

Then there's absent passive safety features which should kick in when an accident is inevitable:

No properly engineered crumple zones;
No side impact protection;
No padded dashboards;
Inadequate, non-functional or absent seatbelts for the front drivers and passengers;
Exposed bare metal which could easily rip flesh of passengers in an accident;
Little or no padding for rear passengers, unless you count fellow passengers as padding;
Ornamentation on the front and rear which could easily impale pedestrians or exacerbate damage to others cars even in low speed collisions;

The front of a contemporary jeepney can rip an unwitting pedestrian to shreds. The forest of poles, antennae and metal ornaments can impale people, the front bumpers and bars can break legs or mangle other cars' bumpers. Artistic? Perhaps. Safe? No.

I know that jeepneys are a testament to Filipino ingenuity. I know that they are unique to our culture. I know that jeepneys are as Filipino as say, adobo or the carabao, but no matter how you slice it, jeepneys are just unsafe. Better that they be in museums than on public roads.

A lot of them are fabricated using surplus right-hand drive components which are of questionable safety and reliability in a left-hand drive road network. They're also wasteful, noisy and dirty. They're heavy, aerodynamically inefficient behemoths, with unmuffled exhausts filling the air with tons of unburned hydrocarbons thanks to the proliferation of surplus diesel engines which aren't rebuilt to spec.

If private vehicles have to meet safety, noise and emission requirements and regulations, why can't we be more strict when it comes to public vehicles, especially jeepneys? There are already regulations when it comes to basic roadworthiness and acceptable levels of noise and pollution yet we do not seem to have the political will to implement these consistently.

I just find it shocking that we can turn a blind eye to these things even though our loved ones ride these things everyday to work and to school.

As I've said in my earlier blog post, it is not being suggested that jeepneys be phased out abruptly. It is recognized that a lot of Filipinos rely on jeepneys as their means of livelihood. The phasing out of jeepneys as we know them can be done in a span of years or even decades, while alternative modes of transportation are phased in, or the jeepney reengineered to be safer.

I'm not anti-jeepney per se. Just given a choice between tradition and safety, I'll sure as hell choose safety. Especially when friends and family, commuters, pedestrians and drivers alike are at risk every day.

Where have all the bloggers gone...?

2011-05-16T15:41:00.002+08:00

A lot of them have quit.

Some have better things to do.

For some it was just a fad that they hopped on.

For some it became too much work.

Not many people bloghop anymore.

Why bother, when there's Facebook and Twitter.

Me? I'm still here.

It's been seven years.

I still blog.

I miss the old days.

The illusion of choice....

2011-05-15T07:18:00.006+08:00

It's nice to believe that we are all masters of our own fate. The captains of our own ships. The average Joe would probably prefer to believe the concept of free choice other than predestination. To believe in predestination is to believe that all our actions are of no consequence and our fate is predetermined and inescapable. Or, that our actions do have some little consequence over some bits and pieces of our lives but the ultimate outcome remains carved in stone.

I don't know.

The best I can think of is that life is like a game of Monopoly, or poker. There is still skill involved, but skill is nothing without a good roll of the die or luck of the draw. Skill and perseverance by themselves are probably not enough, otherwise everyone working their tails off should be successful eventually. We all know this is not the case. As for pure luck, I'm not sure, I've never been that lucky to know firsthand how it is. Still, I guess it happens. People win lotteries. Some people are just at the right place at the right time. But luck is a variable, an indeterminable, an x-factor which you can't count on in life. Sometimes it's there, sometimes it isn't. And sometimes you just can't tell at all.

So if you can't rely on luck, you try to take matters into your own hands. You take charge, you take control. You make choices. But, for the sake of discussion within the confines of this blog post, let's just say that choice seems somewhat...illusory. We all make choices everyday, mundane things like what to eat, what to buy, where to go, to serious things like business decisions and personal relationships, to the seemingly irrelevant like personal labels and opinions...but most of us are still stuck in our daily routines. Choice, despite all its hype, for the most part seems to refuse to lift us from the doldrums of our daily existence. Or it is just incapable of doing so.

Just like an airbag or a seatbelt. We're just pleased to know it's there, but 99.9% of the time we don't need it, and for that 99.9% it's existence is meaningless. Unless of course you're in a car accident, and for that .1% airbags and seatbelts are the greatest things in the world.

Maybe that is the paradox of choices. Maybe, just maybe, 99.9% of the time, we'd rather choose to remain where we are now. Of course, the choice not to make a choice is a choice in itself.

Choice is also limited. The most important aspects of our lives are beyond our control. Our physical attributes and appearances are dictated by genes (unless you're extremely vain and/or you can afford cosmetic surgery). Our parents, our economic conditions at the start, our race, our nationalities, our genders (notwithstanding sex change operations), maybe even our sexual preferences are all predetermined at birth. Even after birth, our fates are at the mercy of those who rear us. Our mannerisms, beliefs, religion, morals, are shaped by those who raise us, by the schools we go to, and by the time we are of sufficient age to discern what we want for ourselves, the damage has been done, so to speak, and any new paths we choose to take are often initiated by thoughts of dissatisfaction, disillusionment, or disgruntlement over the status quo. And sometimes, it's already too late. We end up who we are...whether we like it or not.

The concept of youth is also paradox in itself. Why are the most important choices in our lives, the ones which may actually have some bearing for the rest of our lives given to us in our youth, when we do not have the wisdom, the mental and emotional fortitude to make good choices. It seems that life has condemned us to make mistakes in our youth and to spend most of our adult lives paying for those mistakes.

Maybe that's the way life was meant to be.

I can be such a cynic. :-)

Still, agree or disagree...it makes good food for thought. It's a debate that has been going on since time immemorial, and it doesn't seem if anyone will have any of the answers anytime soon.

Sometimes...I just think that there's really no such thing as fate or destiny. Or even control or choice. Everything just revolves around...causality. Things happen simply because. Just because. Good or bad, that maybe all there is to it. Causality. Maybe I'll go further along this train of thought in future post. For now, let's leave it at that.

No one can see beyond a choice they don't understand, and I mean no one.

- The Oracle

An Inspirational Short Story for Mother's Day

2011-05-08T07:01:00.000+08:00

A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.

As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.

He asked her what was wrong and she replied, "I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother.

But I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars."

The man smiled and said, "Come on in with me. I'll buy you a rose."

He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother's flowers.

As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.

She said, "Yes, please! You can take me to my mother."

She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.

The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother's house.

10 Stupid things Pinoy drivers do to their cars....

2011-05-07T13:13:00.002+08:00

I've been driving for 18 years now. I guess that gives away my age, but I doubt it if anyone gives a damn if I was born during the martial law era. In my 18 years of driving I've known other people who drive as well, and they range from those who consider driving just another way of getting from point A to point B, to those who live and breathe driving and cars. I guess I'm somewhere in between. If I were richer I'd probably be more of an automobile enthusiast than I am now, but I'm just an average Joe, content to be a least comfortable during my daily commute and to average more than 10 km/l, though I enjoy a nice long jab at the accelerator every now and then. I used to read a lot of car mags, but now the economy has relegated me to reading only local publications. Not that I'm complaining though, the quality of writing on local car mags has improved significantly since the early days. But enough about me.

This is a list of 10 stupid things that Pinoy drivers do to their cars. A couple of these I must have read from somewhere, though most of them are just from the top of my head, and I haven't read any mention of them as far as I know. If you fall under one of the categories, don't fret. To each his own. :-)

1. They install massive decklid spoilers. - A well integrated spoiler improves the lines of a car, but massive racing spoilers are not only an eyesore, they block rear visibility and increase weight and drag (and thus fuel consumption). Besides, how much downforce does one need while stuck in traffic in EDSA? And why would you even bother increasing downforce on a front-wheel drive vehicle?

2. They install badges for other makes on their cars. - Trust me, a BMW "M" badge does NOT look cool affixed to the trunk lid of a Civic.

3. They pile stuffed toys and dolls on their rear shelf. - The rear windshield was designed so that you can see what's their behind you, so what's the point of blocking your rear windshield with stuffed animals? Well, at least they'll cushion the impact if you reverse into anything.

4. They showcase miniature cars on their dashboard. - In the event of a massive front crash (God forbid), the small model cars you have on your dashboard will just make small car-like craters on your face.

5. They turn their front dashboards into religious shrines. - Nothing against religion, but, same as above, in the event of a crash those small figurines will just cause further injury if you smash into them. What's the point of having a padded dashboard if you put hard things on it?

6. They mount fake carbon fiber stickers on their hoods. - What's the point? The initiated will know they're fake straight away. The uninitiated won't give a crap. Same goes for the fake discs mounted on rear drums and fake hood scoops.

7. They cover the front windshield and windows with sunshades, newspapers, etc. when the sun is bright WHILE DRIVING. - Don't be a cheapskate and just buy decent window tint. Or at least a pair of sunglasses.

8. They drive with their hoods open. - Taxi drivers started this trend, when temperature gauges were replaced by idiot lights. It most likely increases drag, and probably doesn't really improve cooling. If the cooling system is well maintained, it'll be able to take the heat.

9. They mount super dark tint, then make cutouts for the side mirrors. - What's the point? Then just get lighter tint if you can't see through the dark stuff.

10. They cover up the rear high mount stop lamp with stickers. - It's a safety feature to complement your brakelights. Why mess with it?

That's all the comes to mind at this point. Maybe I'll add to this list if I think of any more. :-)

Commonwealth Ave. lot for sale or lease....

2011-05-02T09:02:00.002+08:00

Just a repost. You never know who might notice.

You can also call 9315575 if you have any inquiries.

Siteplan of the property.

Aerial view. The road at the top of the photo is Commonwealth Avenue.

Here's a tighter aerial shot. The improvements are clearly visible from this distance.

And just in case you're wondering, no, I didn't hire an airplane or a helicopter. Used Google Earth instead. :-)

Native American Code of Ethics

2011-04-21T16:06:00.001+08:00

Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often. The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.

Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path. Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.

Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.

Treat the guests in your home with much consideration. Serve them the best food, give them the best bed and treat them with respect and honor.

Do not take what is not yours whether from a person, a community, the wilderness or from a culture. It was not earned nor given. It is not yours.

Respect all things that are placed upon this earth—whether it be people, animal or plant. Honor the Spirit in all things.

Honor other people’s thoughts, wishes and words. Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them. Allow each person the right to personal expression.

Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative energy that you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you. All persons make mistakes. And all mistakes can be forgiven. Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit. Practice optimism.

Nature is not for us, it is a part of us. They are part of your worldly family.

Children are the seeds of our future. Plant love in their hearts and water them with wisdom and life’s lessons. When they are grown, give them space to grow.

Avoid hurting the hearts of others. The poison of your pain will return to you.

Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the test of ones will within this universe.

Keep yourself balanced. Your mental self, spiritual self, emotional self, and physical self—all need to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out the body to strengthen the mind. Grow rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.

Make conscious decisions as to who you will be and how you will react.

Be responsible for your own actions.

Respect the privacy and personal space of others. Do not touch the personal property of others—especially sacred and religious objects. This is forbidden.

Be true to yourself first. You cannot nurture and help others if you cannot nurture and help yourself first.

Respect others religious beliefs. Do not force your belief on others.

Share your good fortune with others. Participate in charity. Be willing to give back to the people, so that People will live.

A nation of softies....

2011-04-05T08:54:00.017+08:00

A rant against contemporary Filipino society by an average Joe.

I hate to say it, but we're a nation of softies.

It's this soft stance on things which makes us all a bunch of undisciplined spoiled brats, unable to take ourselves, the things we do, our personal circumstances, or other people seriously. As a result, the concept of personal responsibility seems alien to us, and we lack the credibility for our acts or statements to have any teeth to them.

Examples, from the top of my head:

Squatters

Our government tolerates squatters. There are politically correct terms such as "informal communities" or "depressed areas", but it's all the same to me. They're all just squatters, plain and simple. They arrive and occupy land which they clearly do not own, act as if they own it, and resist with all their might when the owner tries to get them to vacate. And they have the gall to ask the government for land and even sources of livelihood. Squatting is theft, plain and simple. Whether it's land or anything else, no one has the right to appropriate property which clearly belongs to another. And to demand housing or jobs in exchange for leaving is just plain extortion. Squatting should be treated for the crime that it really is.

Election Fraud

Virtually everyone does it, so no one really loses an election. Everyone is cheated out of victory. Hardly anyone gets convicted, hardly any election result overturned, and in the rare cases where the results are reversed, the term is already set to expire. When are we going to see people going to jail for cheating in elections?

Drug Mules

Why do we consider drug mules as Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs) when in fact the vast majority are not? Typical drug mules have no job contracts, aren't formally recruited by authorized recruiters, their travel documents are for tourists and not for workers, and most of them either: 1) know that they are indeed transporting drugs; 2) blinded by the lure of easy money or foreign travel that they will do anything without even knowing all the details; or 3) gullible enough to agree to transport a bag or package without knowing what the contents are. Worse, when convicted for drug smuggling, they plead for the government to help them, despite their lack of common sense or their complicity in taking part in a crime, and if, God forbid, they are executed, the nation treats them as martyrs, ignoring the fact that they are convicted felons in another country. With all due respect, martyrs are people who have died for their principles, beliefs or convictions, not people who have died in the pursuit of personal wealth or because of lack of foresight. You can't just keep blaming the government for lack of jobs. Avoiding involvement in crime is our personal responsibility. This doesn't go for just drug mules, but for anyone unable to keep his or her nose clean in another country. Just because we baby criminals here doesn't mean other countries do the same.

TNTs

I find it annoying that a lot of Filipinos refuse to follow various laws, rules and regulations when it comes to working abroad, such as working in places where there are deployment bans, falsifying documents, resorting to unauthorized recruiters, or evading immigration authorities (hence, Tago Ng Tago), but the moment the shit hits the fan, such as being arrested for a crime, or being trapped in a war zone, these very people who refused to go through proper channels now plead a resource strapped government for assistance, to the detriment of those who are also in trouble but followed the rules. Yes, the government should help all Filipinos...but the priority should be for those who obeyed the laws and exerted effort in making sure all their papers are in order.

High Fuel Prices and Public Transport

I find it terribly shortsighted when public transport groups think a transport strike (or "caravan") is the solution for higher fuel prices. The higher cost of energy, specifically petroleum products, is a global phenomenon, and it is not isolated to our shores. In fact, we even have it better than some other countries, where fuel prices are higher. It's pretty naive to think that everyone else on the planet is affected by the higher cost of crude yet we shouldn't be. It's common sense that the public transport industry always suffers a direct hit when the price of fuel escalates. If they didn't want to take such a hit, they should have went into some other kind of business. Besides, it's humanity's fault for putting all our eggs into the oil basket. So to them, I say grin and bear it. If you can't do that, than go do something else for a living. Notwithstanding taxes, deregulation, and oil cartels, the price of oil will remain high, and probably increase more in the future. It has consistently done that since the automobile was invented. I don't like any more than you do, but that's just the way things are.

Corruption

What else is there to say? When was a big fish last convicted for corruption? Have we ever convicted any big fish? Impeachment trials for one of our former Presidents and now one scheduled for the Ombudsman, Senate Blue Ribbon Committee hearings in aid of legislation...when are we going to send anyone to jail? Are we content just to enter into plea bargains or detain them for contempt? Aren't these people in office to serve us citizens? Or are they in it to serve themselves?

Rotten Police

Read the paper and almost everyday there's a story about a police officer committing a crime, the most recent one involving extortion on a TV and radio personality. What kind of standards do we have for recruiting police officers anyway? Can any lowlife Tom, Dick and Harry who wants to be a cop be a cop just like that?

Rotten (or lazy, or incompetent) Prosecutors

The Ombudsman, the country's highest ranking government prosecutor, is impeached. A plea bargain with a plunderer. Inaction leading to the Manila hostage crisis. Whatever happened to "a public office is a public trust" anyway?

Anti-Spanking Bill

I'm against child abuse as much as anyone else, nor do I condone physical violence against children but filing a bill against spanking one's kids is too much. As a parent, I want my right to discipline my own child in the way I see fit, as long as it isn't excessive, cruel, or endangers the well being of the child. Sometimes corporal punishment is the quickest way to get children, especially younger ones who have difficulty understanding the reasons why things should or should not be done, to understand the message. Children should learn that doing the wrong thing has its consequences. There are generations of us raised on corporal punishment. It's been done since time immemorial. To suddenly blame it as the cause of society's ills is pretty presumptuous, when we can't or won't even punish our own criminals, especially those in high places. Lawmakers, leave this alone. Go fix society's problems instead.

War with Communist Rebels and Islamic Secessionists

This has been going on for decades. Either we lack the political will to end these conflicts once and for all, or our armed forces are too corrupt and incompetent to get the job done. It's probably both. We negotiate with these people, have ceasefires, treat them as military belligerents when most of the time they act as common thugs, robbers, vandals, extortionists, kidnappers, murderers and terrorists. These people are just bandits plain and simple and whether they pretend to be patriots with a cause is irrelevant. They should just be treated like the criminals they are. Treat them with kid gloves, and the cycle just continues, and the affected areas hardly see a shred of progress despite the passage of decades and numerous government administrations.

Willie Revillame

What's Willie Revillame doing here? Well, he's just an example of how society, in particular television, can be so twisted. He has been involved in allegations of domestic violence, objectification and sexualization of women (just search for Willie Revillame on Youtube, you get tons of clips in him engaging in inappropriate behavior), disrespecting the funeral cortege of a former President, humiliation of unknowing friends on live television, and now, allegations of child abuse, all for a show which earns him big bucks for exploiting and debasing the poor. What is he still doing on television?

That's enough ranting...I guess sometimes I just get worked up from all the things I read in the papers, listen to or watch on the news, or browse on the web. We as a people, as a country, should really start taking personal responsibility for our actions, and we should be held accountable for the wrong things that we do, or the things that we should have done but neglected to. Getting away with wrongdoings, no matter how grave, or inconsequential, only perpetuates the cycle of impunity which is the root of the moral decay our society is suffering from. Simply put, we should think twice about doing something. Then think some more. And if that something is wrong, we better be prepared for the consequences. Poverty, ignorance, or lack of common sense is no excuse for not being personally responsible for one's own actions or inactions. This is the least we can do for our country, and we should not always expect our country to do things for us.

Reasons why I bought a Galaxy Tab instead of an iPad....

2011-03-25T01:30:00.004+08:00

Okay, I finally took the plunge and bought a tablet, a Samsung Galaxy Tab. For those who are curious why I chose a Galaxy Tab over an iPad (first generation), here are my reasons:

Price

The Galaxy Tab is only a little bit more expensive than a Wi-Fi only iPad, yet it's a lot cheaper than a Wi-Fi/3G iPad;

Connectivity

With 3G and Wi-Fi, I can connect to the internet wherever there's a hotspot or a 3G/HSDPA signal. The Galaxy Tab is capable of tethering, so I can also plug it to my laptop to access the internet. It can also be a personal hotspot, if a number of nearby devices need internet access.

I'm no iPad expert, but it seems that according to a number of forums (fora?) I have checked out, tethering and being a portable hotspot range to being impossible (particularly with iPads locked to certain carriers, with certain iOS versions, or with specific data plans) to possible (with unlocked versions, with some data plans with some providers, or with certain iOS versions) to difficult, achievable only after jailbreaking, resorting to some exploits, or performing some hardware hacks. With the Galaxy tab, tethering and being a portable hotspot are standard features of Android 2.2, easily enabled via a menu selection (assuming of course, it isn't locked by some provider);

Software

Granted, the iPad has tons more apps than via Apple's App Store than the Galaxy Tab's Android Market, but in essence you can install any Android App you want, even those from outside the Android Market or those written by independent developers. With an iPad, you can only install Apple-authorized apps, and you need to jailbreak your iPad if you want to install unauthorized ones. A lot of the good apps for the Android OS are actually free, like the ever popular Angry Birds game. It costs 5$ for the iPad and iPhone;

Size

With a screen size of only 7", the Galaxy Tab is smaller than the iPad with it's 9.7" screen. While that gives the iPad a lot more screen real estate to work with, the smaller screen size of the Galaxy Tab makes it smaller, lighter, and therefore more portable than the iPad. This makes it a perfect fit for my Samsonite shoulder bag (which I've had before I bought the Galaxy Tab and isn't designed specifically for tablets). Bigger isn't always better, especially when portability is a priority for the user;

Cameras

The Galaxy Tab has front and rear cameras, while the iPad has none (the iPad2 has front and rear cameras though). It's not necessarily a deal breaker for the iPad, but it's a nice feature to have which can be useful at times;

Phone

The Galaxy Tab can be used as a phone (albeit a huge one). You can make calls, video calls, send SMS or MMS messages. iPad? Nah. iPad2? Ditto;

Storage

The Galaxy Tab has a microSD slot for additional storage. iPad has none.

GPS

The Galaxy Tab has a built in GPS receiver for navigation. The Wi-Fi only iPad doesn't, though the more expensive Wi-Fi/3G versions also have GPS.

Downsides?

No matter how you slice it, a Samsung device won't have the flash and panache of an Apple device. The iPad is simply sleeker and cooler looking (and the iPad2 more so). And sometimes, you'd wish you have a bigger screen. Oh, the iPad has a longer battery life (9 hours versus the Tab's 7) too.

Bottomline?

No device is perfect. You choose what best suits your needs, requirements, and budget, regardless of brand. Whatever you choose, in a year or two it'll be obsolete anyway.

The Galaxy Tab and iPad are both technologically at par with each other, except for the camera, phone bits and microSD slot (okay, so they're not at par) which are absent from the original iPad, and the Tab's smaller screen. It's just that Apple limits the iPad's functionality so it and the service providers which carry it can make a profit over what can be installed and what it does. Jailbreaking solves the problem, but only if you risk voiding the warranty. Just doesn't seem worth it for me...even in exchange for the Apple logo.

In the market for a tablet....

2011-03-16T08:33:00.005+08:00

I'm planning on getting a tablet computer anytime now. Do I really need one? No, but I want one, and I can surely use one. I'm all for the "connected" lifestyle so to speak, since much of what I do with my time is browse the internet and read, so why not have a device that makes it convenient to do both regardless of whether I'm at work, at home, on vacation, or anywhere in between?

I'm not an early adopter, otherwise I would have already had one by now. Nor am I filthy rich, but I'm willing to pay high if it's worth it in features, design and construction quality...well, "reasonable" high at least, which for me is in the middle 20s (in thousands of PHP), though lower would be better.

Right now the tablet I'm eyeing is the Samsung Galaxy Tab. At first glance it seems to have all the features I want, from the obvious ones like Wi-Fi and 3G connectivity, front and rear cameras, memory expandability, to the not so obvious ones like GPS, and an open architecture via Google's Android OS.

For most people I guess, the obvious choice when it comes to choosing a tablet would be Apple's iPad. And why not? It certainly deserves the distinction of being the de facto standard of what to expect in a tablet device, with more than 15 million units sold and demand still high.

But the iPad is not for me. Not for now at least.

I have always admired Apple products for their elegance, aesthetics and design, but I have never really warmed up to their closed architectures and design philosophy of always putting form ahead of function. So, while most techies I know are raving about their Macs and iPods and iPhones, I have yet to own my first Apple product...unless you count that old Apple II Plus my parents bought for me in the 80s.

Call me a stickler, but I could never get past the lack of software (especially games) and hardware upgrades for the Mac. I never liked the idea that I couldn't easily change the batteries of the iPod and iPhone when they were run down, and I didn't really appreciate Apple telling me what software I can and cannot install. Most of all, I couldn't rationalize paying more for something prettier, but had less going for it. Yeah, it's debatable, but that's just how I feel.

Sure, I still feel a twinge of envy whenever I see someone with a Mac, or an iPod, or an iPhone, and now an iPad, but whenever I get the money to buy a device of my own, I always end up with something without the Apple logo on it.

Like now. Still haven't fully committed myself to getting a Galaxy Tab yet, but I'm getting close. If and when I get around to really getting one, I'll let you guys know what I think of it.

Registering Prepaid SIMs....

2011-01-27T09:31:00.010+08:00

I'm not really a fan of Senator Tito Sotto, but I have to agree with him on this point.

Prepaid Subscriber Identity Modules used in cellphones, otherwise known as SIM cards, or just SIMs, should be registered.

The number of every prepaid SIM should be stored in a database, maintained by the network provider, along with the name of its primary user, and his or her address and/or other relevant information.

In the years that have followed the introduction of prepaid cellphone services, prepaid SIMs have become prevalent in the commission of various criminal acts, such as facilitating illegal transactions, text scams, the sending of death threats, extortion, kidnapping for ransom, and recently, as an instrument of terror.

Two days ago, an improvised explosive device or IED was planted and detonated inside a public bus along EDSA in Makati City. As of now, 5 have been confirmed dead because of the explosion, and around 13 injured. Authorities have identified the explosive device used as an 81 mm mortar shell, triggered by a Nokia 5310 cellphone.

Let's face it. Prepaid SIMs are standard tools of criminals. And why not? They're cheap, easy to procure, disposable, and 100% anonymous. Anonymity is clearly a criminal's best friend, for the simple reason that a criminal whose identity is unknown cannot be made to answer for the crimes that he or she may have committed.

Communication is considered by many societies (except the repressive ones of course) as a basic right. I agree with that, but it should not be absolute. As with all other rights, it cannot and should not be used as a means to perpetrate a crime or to commit an injustice against another person. It is in this context that communication should be regulated, particularly in pushing for the compulsory registration of all prepaid SIM cards.

Hypothetically, how can the registration of SIM cards be facilitated? Here are some possible scenarios:

Require that all new SIM card purchases be registered by a reasonable date. Ex. Starting January 1, 2012, all new prepaid SIM card purchases should be registered before activation;
Registration may be done by filling up a registration form containing at the very least the name and address of the registrant. At least two (2) identification cards should be submitted/shown to validate the information submitted;
After the sale has been completed, the retailer should submit the accomplished forms to the network provider for entry into its database, after which the SIM is activated within a reasonable amount of time...say, 24 hours;
For prepaid cards currently in use, require that they should be registered on or before a reasonable deadline. Ex. All current prepaid SIMs should be registered with their respective network providers on or before January 1, 2012;
On registration, the owner shall fill up a registration form and submit/show at least two (2) identification cards for validation. This registration information is forwarded to the network provider;
If the deadline passes and the prepaid SIM is not registered, it is automatically deactivated by the network provider.

Admittedly, this will generate additional overhead for the network provider, in terms of modifications to their software, additional encoding time and data storage, but I'm pretty sure they can afford it. Seriously, do you know of any network provider losing money? They may have lost some revenue due to competition and preference for unlimited services, but they nonetheless generate hefty sums. As for the modifications to their systems, I'm sure they can manage. They frequently come up with new promos for their subscribers which require modifications as well, so they cannot deny that they have the capability to make the necessary modifications if prepaid SIMs are to registered. Encoding time? Entering a name and address and checking identification cards shouldn't take long. Yes, the time will add up in the course of numerous prepaid SIM sales, but it should still be manageable. Storage space? I'm sure they can afford to buy another hard drive...or solid state drive...or server...or two.

Civil rights and privacy advocates are apprehensive over registering prepaid SIMs, arguing that this may violate constitutional rights. Even President Aquino seems reluctant:

"With the propensity for hacking, made worse by obsolete wiretapping laws, there a big possibility that this could invade privacy, which is enshrined in Article 3 of the Constitution"

Frankly, I think that's a lot of bull. Postpaid subscribers are already registered, and none of them consider it an affront to their privacy even though all of their calls and messages are already logged for billing purposes. It can't be argued that prepaid SIM registration is anti-poor, for the reasons that even wealthy people use prepaid SIMs, and that those who can afford postpaid plans are already registered. I simply can't see why registration is seen as a threat to privacy for prepaid SIMs, yet it isn't for postpaid accounts. Just plain hypocrisy if you asked me.

Inaction due to fear of something which may or may not happen doesn't really fill me with confidence in the leadership of President Aquino. I consider myself a Noynoy fan...but being afraid of doing something because of a mere possibility reeks with cowardice. If wiretapping laws are indeed obsolete...then push for their amendment instead of using them as an excuse. It's like saying we shouldn't deposit in banks anymore because we can't totally prevent bank robberies.

We already register real property, vehicles, firearms, utilities, postpaid cellular services. So what's the big deal about registering prepaid SIMs anyway? The additional overhead far outweighs the potential benefits as far as crime prevention and law enforcement are concerned.

As for privacy issues, just like the security and inviolabilty of our homes and communications, phone records cannot be disclosed without a court order. The
Constitution ensures that.

Will registering prepaid SIMs eliminate crime or terrorism? No it won't. But it will give criminals and terrorists one less place to hide behind...and a way to trace those who still insist on using them for their nefarious purposes.

Personally, I don't mind giving up some of my concerns regarding privacy in order to ensure the public safety, but that's just me. I already subscribe to a postpaid plan, so it's all the same to me. For those who insist this is too high a price to pay, that privacy should be safeguarded above everything else...just ask anyone who has been harassed or threatened through SMS...or those who were victimized by text scams...or those who lost someone dear to them in that tragic event two days ago. I'm guessing they will tend to disagree.

Links:

Text scams....

Losing my edge....

2011-01-13T10:30:00.003+08:00

I dunno. It seems I've forgotten how to write.

I used to be a prolific writer. I used to be able to write long-winded essays about anything and everything from the top of my head in a snap...nowadays, it would seem I can't be bothered anymore.

As a result, my blogging seems to have taken a downturn.

These days everyone's so into Facebook, and Twitter, into status updates and micro-blogging...no one really blogs anymore, except for the precious few who still consider blogging as an art.

In these times of ADHD, it seems no one has the patience to read full paragraphs of text anymore, instead preferring to read simple, quick and easy one-liners.

It's a shame really. I love writing. And now it feels I'm losing my edge.

I have tons of topics in my head I want to write about, but I can't seem to get myself to start. It's a waste though to just let these ideas rot away in some corner of my brain without giving them a chance to see the light of day...some of them may actually be good.

I'll try my best to write again. Writing used to be an outlet for me, a form of catharsis, of washing my soul from all the angst and disappointment I get from the daily grind...who knows? Maybe I've finally gotten used to the angst and disappointment. Maybe I've finally accepted the fact that we don't always get what we want out of life...that I'm tired of the rat race...that I just want to stop and smell the roses...or maybe all I want to do is smell the roses and not do anything else at all.

All in due time I suppose.

Everything has its place and time.

Writing and blogging included.

In hindsight....

2010-12-05T07:09:00.005+08:00

Looking back...there are lot of things I wish I did...or did differently.

Not that I totally regret my life mind you. It's just life is so short...in retrospect it's such a shame not to have lived it to its fullest. You only realize this when you reach a certain age. All of a sudden...you realize...that it's already too late.

I'm not talking about really heavy stuff...though a few pop into my mind. This post is about the small things that wish we wish we did in the past, when there was still a lot of time, before we got sucked into the routine that would, for good or for bad, define our adult lives.

Me, for example:

I wish I learned how to dance;

I wish I learned to play the guitar really, really good;

I wish I learned how to play the piano;

I wish I learned to eat right from the very start;

I wish I learned how too cook;

I wish I learned another language;

I wish I saved more at the bank;

I wish I was friendlier with people;

Well...you get the idea.

Looking on the bright side though, I can still do some of those things. Maybe.

What can I say? Hindsight always has better vision than foresight.

That's why at times I look at my son, my nephews, my nieces, who are all at least twenty or so years younger than me...with envy. So young, so full of drive, of hopes and dreams for the future. I was like that once. A long time ago.

I hope and I pray that they all live life to the fullest. And that goes for all young people out there.

In my case at least, it would seem that life has sucked the life out of me. If that isn't ironic I don't know what is.

As they say though, hope spring eternal.

So maybe I shouldn't give up just yet. Not just on the small things...but on the big things as well.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.

- Alexander Pope,
An Essay on Man, Epistle I, 1733

Kings and Queens

2010-12-04T21:21:00.000+08:00

Kings and Queens
30 Seconds To Mars

Oh...

Into the night
Desperate and broken
The sound of a fight
Father has spoken

Oh...

We were the kings and queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the children of a lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell
Heaven and Hell

Into your eyes
Hopeless and taken
We stole our new lives
Through blindness
In defense of our dreams
In defense of our dreams

We were the Kings and Queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the Children of a lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell
Heaven and Hell

The age of man is over
A darkness comes at dawn
These lessons that we've learned here
Have only just begun

We were the Kings and Queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the Children of a Lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell

We are the Kings
We are the Queens
We are the Kings
We are the Queens

Commonwealth Ave. lot for sale or lease....

2010-12-01T07:49:00.001+08:00

Just a repost. You never know who might notice.

You can also call 9315575 if you have any inquiries.

Siteplan of the property.

Aerial view. The road at the top of the photo is Commonwealth Avenue.

Here's a tighter aerial shot. The improvements are clearly visible from this distance.

And just in case you're wondering, no, I didn't hire an airplane or a helicopter. Used Google Earth instead. :-)

Prayer....

2010-09-22T05:01:00.000+08:00

Lord, let this feast of my birth be a reminder to me of all the gifts and blessings I have received from You this day and all the days of my life. On my day of celebration, I thank you for my life and all of my blessings and ask for another year filled with Your presence in my life that I may continue to grow in your love.

Gracious God, I thank You for enabling me to celebrate my birthday. Lord You have been good to me all these years and I thank You for all the blessings I have recieved but especially for life itself.

Creator God, I do not know what lies ahead for me this year. Yet I know that You are holding my future in Your hand. Let my ways be pleasing to you. As You have promised, be with me, Lord. Grid me with Your strength and grace so that I can live for Your light. Enable me to draw closer to You that I may walk in your peace and be the creative and loving person that you intend for me to be. I ask this and all things in the sure and certain knowledge of your love for me and for all your people. Amen.

Prayer

2010-09-11T14:46:00.001+08:00

Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and those that I care deeply for, who are reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy.. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace.. Where there is need, I ask You to fulfill their needs. Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings. Amen.

LG GX500

2010-09-01T05:04:00.004+08:00

Bought my first new phone in three years a week ago, something to replace my aging N95 8GB. To be honest, it's a step down in features from the N95 (no 3G or HSDPA, no video calling, 3.2 megapixel camera vs the N95's 5 megapixels, no digital zoom, no GPS, no headphone jack) but it has Wi-Fi connectivity (just like the N95), a touchscreen interface (takes some getting used to), and more importantly, it's a dual-sim phone, a feature I've been interested in for quite a while now. It's also my first LG phone, having had nothing but Nokias for my main phones for more than a decade. LG isn't a pushover though, as far as mobile phone manufacturers are concerned...it's currently number 3 in the world.

Not really in the mood to write a full review right now, so here's something from Daily Digitals:

LG GX500 Dual SIM Mobile Phone

LG Electronics has announced a new mobile phone called LG GX500. The thickness of LG GX500 is 13 mm packs a 3-inch touch screen with a resolution of 240 x 400 pixels (WVGA) and 3M pixel camera.

The LG mobile phone GX500 is equipped with two SIM card slots and supports simultaneous operation, microSD card slot, microUSB port, Bluetooth, Wi-Fi 802.11b / g and a battery 1500 mAh. GX500 LG phone is integrated with social networking, Web browser Opera Mini 5, Russian-English dictionary. There is no information on prices of LG GX500.

This post LG GX500 Dual SIM Mobile Phone brough to by Laptop Review. Visit Gadgets Review for information about gadget and technology

The Cardiologist's Funeral

2010-08-31T09:31:00.000+08:00

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart ... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

It's been a while....

2010-08-31T08:51:00.004+08:00

It's been a while since I last posted something...

Haven't felt any motivation to blog lately...I don't know...maybe blogging is a dying art? And to think blogging hasn't been around that long.

These days the internet is mostly about Facebook and Twitter. Why bother writing long-winded essays when you can just publish one-line status updates? It doesn't seem like a lot of people nowadays want to exert the effort to commit their thoughts to keyboard, I mean really commit their thoughts...not just one-liners.

It can't be helped I guess. Things change.

Not many people I know blog or blog hop anymore. In the middle of the decade, which was just a few years ago, almost everyone I know was into blogging, into blog hopping, then having eyeballs with fellow bloggers. Then the most popular websites were Blogger, TypePad, and WordPress. Everyone seemed eager to share their thoughts and what not. Everybody wanted their blogs to be read. Alas, it seems the blog as we knew it is now dead.

Yes, there are still a lot of blogs around...but many have gravitated to being money earning enterprises...or found an area of specialization making it appealing only to a limited audience. The personal blog...unsubsidized, unsponsored, written with the earnestness and sincerity that only an thoughtful and insightful individual can muster...seems to be a dying breed.

Indeed, at times, I feel like quitting blogging altogether...and there are times that I've stopped blogging for months, only to come back again.

Oh well. No plans of quitting though. Just waiting for my motivation to come through.

Full Transcript of President Benigno Noynoy Aquino III SONA

2010-07-27T10:08:00.000+08:00

State of the Nation Address

of His Excellency
Benigno S. Aquino III
President of the Philippines
to the Congress of the Philippines
Session Hall of the House of Representatives
July 26, 2010
[Batasan Pambansa Complex, Quezon City]

Speaker Feliciano Belmonte; Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile; Vice President Jejomar Binay; Chief Justice Renato Corona; Former Presidents Fidel Valdez Ramos and Joseph Ejercito Estrada; members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps; my fellow workers in government;

Mga minamahal kong kababayan:

Sa bawat sandali po ng pamamahala ay nahaharap tayo sa isang sangandaan.

Sa isang banda po ay ang pagpili para sa ikabubuti ng taumbayan. Ang pagtanaw sa interes ng nakakarami; ang pagkapit sa prinsipyo; at ang pagiging tapat sa sinumpaan nating tungkulin bilang lingkod-bayan. Ito po ang tuwid na daan.

Sa kabilang banda ay ang pag-una sa pansariling interes. Ang pagpapaalipin sa pulitikal na konsiderasyon, at pagsasakripisyo ng kapakanan ng taumbayan. Ito po ang baluktot na daan.

Matagal pong naligaw ang pamahalaan sa daang baluktot. Araw-araw po, lalong lumilinaw sa akin ang lawak ng problemang ating namana. Damang-dama ko ang bigat ng aking responsibilidad.

Sa unang tatlong linggo ng aming panunungkulan, marami po kaming natuklasan. Nais ko pong ipahayag sa inyo ang iilan lamang sa mga namana nating suliranin at ang ginagawa naming hakbang para lutasin ang mga ito.

Sulyap lamang po ito; hindi pa ito ang lahat ng problemang haharapin natin. Inilihim at sadyang iniligaw ang sambayanan sa totoong kalagayan ng ating bansa.

Sa unang anim na buwan ng taon, mas malaki ang ginastos ng gobyerno kaysa sa pumasok na kita. Lalong lumaki ang deficit natin, na umakyat na sa 196.7 billion pesos. Sa target na kuleksyon, kinapos tayo ng 23.8 billion pesos; ang tinataya namang gastos, nalagpasan natin ng 45.1 billion pesos.

Ang budget po sa 2010 ay 1.54 trillion pesos.

Nasa isandaang bilyong piso o anim at kalahating porsyento na lang ng kabuuan ang malaya nating magagamit para sa nalalabing anim na buwan ng taong ito.

Halos isang porsyento na lang po ng kabuuang budget ang natitira para sa bawat buwan.

Saan naman po dinala ang pera?

Naglaan ng dalawang bilyong piso na Calamity Fund bilang paghahanda para sa mga kalamidad na hindi pa nangyayari. Napakaliit na nga po ng pondong ito, ngunit kapapasok pa lang natin sa panahon ng baha at bagyo, 1.4 billion pesos o sitenta porsyento na ang nagastos.

Sa kabuuan ng 108 million pesos para sa lalawigan ng Pampanga, 105 million pesos nito ay napunta sa iisang distrito lamang. Samantala, ang lalawigan ng Pangasinan na sinalanta ng Pepeng ay nakatanggap ng limang milyong piso lamang para sa pinsalang idinulot ng bagyong Cosme, na nangyari noong 2008 pa.

Ibinigay po ang pondo ng Pampanga sa buwan ng eleksyon, pitong buwan pagkatapos ng Ondoy at Pepeng. Paano kung bumagyo bukas? Inubos na ang pondo nito para sa bagyong nangyari noong isang taon pa. Pagbabayaran ng kinabukasan ang kasakiman ng nakaraan.

Ganyan din po ang nangyari sa pondo ng MWSS. Kamakailan lamang, pumipila ang mga tao para lang makakuha ng tubig. Sa kabila nito, minabuti pa ng liderato ng MWSS na magbigay ng gantimpala sa sarili kahit hindi pa nababayaran ang pensyon ng mga retiradong empleyado.

Noong 2009, ang buong payroll ng MWSS ay 51.4 million pesos. Pero hindi lang naman po ito ang sahod nila; may mga additional allowances at benefits pa sila na aabot sa 160.1 million pesos. Sa madaling sabi, nakatanggap sila ng 211.5 million pesos noong nakaraang taon. Beinte-kuwatro porsyento lang nito ang normal na sahod, at sitenta’y sais porsyento ang dagdag.

Ang karaniwang manggagawa hanggang 13th month pay plus cash gift lang ang nakukuha. Sa MWSS, aabot sa katumbas ng mahigit sa tatlumpung buwan ang sahod kasama na ang lahat ng mga bonuses at allowances na nakuha nila.

Mas matindi po ang natuklasan natin sa pasahod ng kanilang Board of Trustees. Tingnan po natin ang mga allowances na tinatanggap nila:

Umupo ka lang sa Board of Trustees at Board Committee meeting, katorse mil na. Aabot ng nobenta’y otso mil ito kada buwan. May grocery incentive pa sila na otsenta mil kada taon.

Hindi lang iyon: may mid-year bonus, productivity bonus, anniversary bonus, year-end bonus, at Financial Assistance. May Christmas bonus na, may Additional Christmas Package pa. Kada isa sa mga ito, nobenta’y otso mil.

Sa suma total po, aabot ang lahat ng dalawa’t kalahating milyong piso kada taon sa bawat miyembro ng Board maliban sa pakotse, technical assistance, at pautang. Uulitin ko po. Lahat ng ito ay ibinibigay nila sa kanilang mga sarili habang hindi pa nababayaran ang mga pensyon ng kanilang mga retirees.

Pati po ang La Mesa Watershed ay hindi nila pinatawad. Para magkaroon ng tamang supply ng tubig, kailangang alagaan ang mga watershed. Sa watershed, puno ang kailangan. Pati po iyon na dapat puno ang nakatayo, tinayuan nila ng bahay para sa matataas na opisyal ng MWSS.

Hindi naman sila agad maaalis sa puwesto dahil kabilang sila sa mga Midnight Appointees ni dating Pangulong Arroyo. Iniimbestigahan na natin ang lahat nang ito. Kung mayroon pa silang kahit kaunting hiya na natitira – sana kusa na lang silang magbitiw sa puwesto.

Pag-usapan naman po natin ang pondo para sa imprastruktura. Tumukoy ang DPWH ng dalawandaan apatnapu’t anim na priority safety projects na popondohan ng Motor Vehicle Users Charge. Mangangailangan po ito ng budget na 425 million pesos.

Ang pinondohan po, dalawampu’t walong proyekto lang. Kinalimutan po ang dalawandaan at labing walong proyekto at pinalitan ng pitumpung proyekto na wala naman sa plano. Ang hininging 425 million pesos, naging 480 million pesos pa, lumaki lalo dahil sa mga proyektong sa piling-piling mga benepisyaryo lang napunta.

Mga proyekto po itong walang saysay, hindi pinag-aralan at hindi pinaghandaan, kaya parang kabuteng sumusulpot.

Tapos na po ang panahon para dito. Sa administrasyon po natin, walang kota-kota, walang tongpats, ang pera ng taumbayan ay gagastusin para sa taumbayan lamang.

Meron pa po tayong natuklasan. Limang araw bago matapos ang termino ng nakaraang administrasyon, nagpautos silang maglabas ng 3.5 billion pesos para sa rehabilitasyon ng mga nasalanta nina Ondoy at Pepeng.

Walumpu’t anim na proyekto ang paglalaanan dapat nito na hindi na sana idadaan sa public bidding. Labingsiyam sa mga ito na nagkakahalaga ng 981 million pesos ang muntik nang makalusot. Hindi pa nailalabas ang Special Allotment Release Order ay pirmado na ang mga kontrata.

Buti na lang po ay natuklasan at pinigilan ito ni Secretary Rogelio Singson ng DPWH. Ngayon po ay dadaan na ang kabuuan ng 3.5 billion pesos sa tapat na bidding, at magagamit na ang pondo na ito sa pagbibigay ng lingap sa mga nawalan ng tahanan dahil kina Ondoy at Pepeng.

Pag-usapan naman natin ang nangyari sa NAPOCOR. Noong 2001 hanggang 2004, pinilit ng gobyerno ang NAPOCOR na magbenta ng kuryente nang palugi para hindi tumaas ang presyo. Tila ang dahilan: pinaghahandaan na nila ang eleksyon.

Dahil dito, noong 2004, sumagad ang pagkakabaon sa utang ng NAPOCOR. Napilitan ang pambansang gobyerno na sagutin ang dalawandaang bilyong pisong utang nito.

Ang inakala ng taumbayan na natipid nila sa kuryente ay binabayaran din natin mula sa kaban ng bayan. May gastos na tayo sa kuryente, binabayaran pa natin ang dagdag na pagkakautang ng gobyerno.

Kung naging matino ang pag-utang, sana’y nadagdagan ang ating kasiguruhan sa supply ng kuryente. Pero ang desisyon ay ibinatay sa maling pulitika, at hindi sa pangangailangan ng taumbayan. Ang taumbayan, matapos pinagsakripisyo ay lalo pang pinahirapan.

Ganito rin po ang nangyari sa MRT. Sinubukan na namang bilhin ang ating pagmamahal. Pinilit ang operator na panatilihing mababa ang pamasahe.

Hindi tuloy nagampanan ang garantiyang ibinigay sa operator na mababawi nila ang kanilang puhunan. Dahil dito, inutusan ang Landbank at Development Bank of the Philippines na bilhin ang MRT.

Ang pera ng taumbayan, ipinagpalit sa isang naluluging operasyon.

Dumako naman po tayo sa pondo ng NFA.

Noong 2004: 117,000 metric tons ang pagkukulang ng supply ng Pilipinas. Ang binili nila, 900,000 metric tons. Kahit ulitin mo pa ng mahigit pitong beses ang pagkukulang, sobra pa rin ang binili nila.

Noong 2007: 589,000 metric tons ang pagkukulang ng supply sa Pilipinas. Ang binili nila, 1.827 million metric tons. Kahit ulitin mo pa ng mahigit tatlong beses ang pagkukulang, sobra na naman ang binili nila.

Ang masakit nito, dahil sobra-sobra ang binibili nila taun-taon, nabubulok lang pala sa mga kamalig ang bigas, kagaya ng nangyari noong 2008.

Hindi po ba krimen ito, na hinahayaan nilang mabulok ang bigas, sa kabila ng apat na milyong Pilipinong hindi kumakain ng tatlong beses sa isang araw?

Ang resulta nito, umabot na sa 171.6 billion pesos ang utang ng NFA noong Mayo ng taong ito.

Ang tinapon na ito, halos puwede na sanang pondohan ang mga sumusunod:

Ang budget ng buong Hudikatura, na 12.7 billion pesos sa taong ito.

Ang Conditional Cash Transfers para sa susunod na taon, na nagkakahalaga ng 29.6 billion pesos.

Ang lahat ng classroom na kailangan ng ating bansa, na nagkakahalaga ng 130 billion pesos.

Kasuklam-suklam ang kalakarang ito. Pera na, naging bato pa.

Narinig po ninyo kung paano nilustay ang kaban ng bayan. Ang malinaw po sa ngayon: ang anumang pagbabago ay magmumula sa pagsiguro natin na magwawakas na ang pagiging maluho at pagwawaldas.

Kaya nga po mula ngayon: ititigil na natin ang paglulustay sa salapi ng bayan. Tatanggalin natin ang mga proyektong mali.

Ito po ang punto ng tinatawag nating zero-based approach sa ating budget. Ang naging kalakaran po, taun-taon ay inuulit lamang ang budget na puno ng tagas. Dadagdagan lang nang konti, puwede na.

Sa susunod na buwan ay maghahain tayo ng budget na kumikilala nang tama sa mga problema, at magtutuon din ng pansin sa tamang solusyon.

Ilan lang ito sa mga natuklasan nating problema. Heto naman po ang ilang halimbawa ng mga hakbang na ginagawa natin.

Nandiyan po ang kaso ng isang may-ari ng sanglaan. Bumili siya ng sasakyang tinatayang nasa dalawampu’t anim na milyong piso ang halaga.

Kung kaya mong bumili ng Lamborghini, bakit hindi mo kayang magbayad ng buwis?

Nasampahan na po ito ng kaso. Sa pangunguna nina Finance Secretary Cesar Purisima, Justice Secretary Leila de Lima, BIR Commissioner Kim Henares at Customs Commissioner Lito Alvarez, bawat linggo po ay may bago tayong kasong isinasampa kontra sa mga smuggler at sa mga hindi nagbabayad ng tamang buwis.

Natukoy na rin po ang salarin sa mga kaso nina Francisco Baldomero, Jose Daguio at Miguel Belen, tatlo sa anim na insidente ng extralegal killings mula nang umupo tayo.

Singkuwenta porsyento po ng mga insidente ng extralegal killings ang patungo na sa kanilang resolusyon.

Ang natitira pong kalahati ay hindi natin tatantanan ang pag-usig hanggang makamit ang katarungan.

Pananagutin natin ang mga mamamatay-tao. Pananagutin din natin ang mga corrupt sa gobyerno.

Nagsimula nang mabuo ang ating Truth Commission, sa pangunguna ni dating Chief Justice Hilario Davide. Hahanapin natin ang katotohanan sa mga nangyari diumanong katiwalian noong nakaraang siyam na taon.

Sa loob ng linggong ito, pipirmahan ko ang kauna-unahang Executive Order na nagtatalaga sa pagbuo nitong Truth Commission.

Kung ang sagot sa kawalan ng katarungan ay pananagutan, ang sagot naman sa kakulangan natin sa pondo ay mga makabago at malikhaing paraan para tugunan ang mga pagkatagal-tagal nang problema.

Napakarami po ng ating pangangailangan: mula sa edukasyon, imprastruktura, pangkalusugan, pangangailangan ng militar at kapulisan, at marami pang iba. Hindi kakasya ang pondo para mapunan ang lahat ng ito.

Kahit gaano po kalaki ang kakulangan para mapunan ang mga listahan ng ating pangangailangan, ganado pa rin ako dahil marami nang nagpakita ng panibagong interes at kumpyansa sa Pilipinas.

Ito ang magiging solusyon: mga Public-Private Partnerships. Kahit wala pa pong pirmahang nangyayari dito, masasabi kong maganda ang magiging bunga ng maraming usapin ukol dito.

May mga nagpakita na po ng interes, gustong magtayo ng expressway na mula Maynila, tatahak ng Bulacan, Nueva Ecija, Nueva Vizcaya, hanggang sa dulo ng Cagayan Valley nang hindi gugugol ang estado kahit na po piso.

Sa larangan ng ating Sandatahang Lakas:

Mayroon po tayong 36,000 nautical miles ng baybayin. Ang mayroon lamang tayo: tatlumpu’t dalawang barko. Itong mga barkong ito, panahon pa ni MacArthur.

May nagmungkahi sa atin, ito ang proposisyon: uupahan po nila ang headquarters ng Navy sa Roxas Boulevard at ang Naval Station sa Fort Bonifacio.

Sagot po nila ang paglipat ng Navy Headquarters sa Camp Aguinaldo. Agaran, bibigyan tayo ng isandaang milyong dolyar. At dagdag pa sa lahat nang iyan, magsusubi pa sila sa atin ng kita mula sa mga negosyong itatayo nila sa uupahan nilang lupa.

Sa madali pong sabi: Makukuha natin ang kailangan natin, hindi tatayo gagastos, kikita pa tayo.

Marami na pong nag-alok at nagmungkahi sa atin, mula lokal hanggang dayuhang negosyante, na magpuno ng iba’t ibang pangangailangan.

Mula sa mga public-private partnerships na ito, lalago ang ating ekonomiya, at bawat Pilipino makikinabang. Napakaraming sektor na matutulungan nito.

Maipapatayo na po ang imprastrukturang kailangan natin para palaguin ang turismo.

Sa agrikultura, makapagtatayo na tayo ng mga grains terminals, refrigeration facilities, maayos na road networks at post-harvest facilities.

Kung maisasaayos natin ang ating food supply chain sa tulong ng pribadong sektor, sa halip na mag-angkat tayo ay maari na sana tayong mangarap na mag-supply sa pandaigdigang merkado.

Kung maitatayo ang minumungkahi sa ating railway system, bababa ang presyo ng bilihin. Mas mura, mas mabilis, mas maginhawa, at makakaiwas pa sa kotong cops at mga kumokotong na rebelde ang mga bumibiyahe.

Paalala lang po: una sa ating plataporma ang paglikha ng mga trabaho, at nanggagaling ang trabaho sa paglago ng industriya. Lalago lamang ang industriya kung gagawin nating mas malinis, mas mabilis, at mas maginhawa ang proseso para sa mga gustong magnegosyo.

Pabibilisin natin ang proseso ng mga proyektong sumasailalim sa Build-Operate-Transfer. Sa tulong ng lahat ng sangay ng gobyerno at ng mga mamamayan, pabababain natin sa anim na buwan ang proseso na noon ay inaabot ng taon kung hindi dekada.

May mga hakbang na rin pong sinisimulan ang DTI, sa pamumuno ni Secretary Gregory Domingo:

Ang walang-katapusang pabalik-balik sa proseso ng pagrehistro ng pangalan ng kumpanya, na kada dalaw ay umaabot ng apat hanggang walong oras, ibababa na natin sa labinlimang minuto.

Ang dating listahan ng tatlumpu’t anim na dokumento, ibababa natin sa anim. Ang dating walong pahinang application form, ibababa natin sa isang pahina.

Nananawagan ako sa ating mga LGUs. Habang naghahanap tayo ng paraan para gawing mas mabilis ang pagbubukas ng mga negosyo, pag-aralan din sana nila ang kanilang mga proseso. Kailangan itong gawing mas mabilis, at kailangan itong itugma sa mga sinisumulan nating reporma.

Negosyante, sundalo, rebelde, at karaniwang Pilipino, lahat po makikinabang dito. Basta po hindi dehado ang Pilipino, papasukin po natin lahat iyan. Kailangan na po nating simulan ang pagtutulungan para makamit ito. Huwag nating pahirapan ang isa’t isa.

Parating na po ang panahon na hindi na natin kailangang mamili sa pagitan ng seguridad ng ating mamamayan o sa kinabukasan ng inyong mga anak.

Oras na maipatupad ang public-private partnerships na ito, mapopondohan ang mga serbisyong panlipunan, alinsunod sa ating plataporma.

Magkakapondo na po para maipatupad ang mga plano natin sa edukasyon.

Mapapalawak natin ang basic education cycle mula sa napakaikling sampung taon tungo sa global standard na labindalawang taon.

Madadagdagan natin ang mga classroom. Mapopondohan natin ang service contracting sa ilalim ng GASTPE.

Pati ang conditional cash transfers, na magbabawas ng pabigat sa bulsa ng mga pamilya, madadagdan na rin ng pondo.

Maipapatupad ang plano natin sa PhilHealth.

Una, tutukuyin natin ang tunay na bilang ng mga nangangailangan nito. Sa ngayon, hindi magkakatugma ang datos. Sabi ng PhilHealth sa isang bibig, walumpu’t pitong porsyento na raw ang merong coverage. Sa kabilang bibig naman, singkuwenta’y tres porsyento naman. Ayon naman sa National Statistics Office, tatlumpu’t walong porsyento ang may coverage.

Ngayon pa lang, kumikilos na si Secretary Dinky Soliman at ang DSWD upang ipatupad ang National Household Targetting System, na magtutukoy sa mga pamilyang higit na nagangailangan ng tulong. Tinatayang siyam na bilyon ang kailangan para mabigyan ng PhilHealth ang limang milyong pinakamaralitang pamilyang Pilipino.

Napakaganda po ng hinaharap natin. Kasama na po natin ang pribadong sektor, at kasama na rin natin ang League of Provinces, sa pangunguna nina Governor Alfonso Umali kasama sina Governor L-Ray Villafuerte at Governor Icot Petilla. Handa na pong makipagtulungan para makibahagi sa pagtustos ng mga gastusin. Alam ko rin pong hindi magpapahuli ang League of Cities sa pangunguna ni Mayor Oscar Rodriguez.

Kung ang mga gobyernong lokal ay nakikiramay na sa ating mga adhikain, ang Kongreso namang pinanggalingan ko, siguro naman maasahan ko din.

Nagpakitang-gilas na po ang gabinete sa pagtukoy ng ating mga problema at sa paglulunsad ng mga solusyon sa loob lamang ng tatlong linggo.

Nang bagyo pong Basyang, ang sabi sa atin ng mga may prangkisa sa kuryente, apat na araw na walang kuryente. Dahil sa mabilis na pagkilos ni Secretary Rene Almendras at ng Department of Energy, naibalik ang kuryente sa halos lahat sa loob lamang ng beinte-kwatro oras.

Ito pong sinasabing kakulangan sa tubig sa Metro Manila, kinilusan agad ni Secretary Rogelio Singson at ng DPWH. Hindi na siya naghintay ng utos, kaya nabawasan ang perwisyo.

Nakita na rin natin ang gilas ng mga hinirang nating makatulong sa Gabinete. Makatuwiran naman po sigurong umasa na hindi na sila padadaanin sa butas ng karayom para makumpirma ng Commission on Appointments. Kung mangyayari po ito, marami pa sa mga mahuhusay na Pilipino ang maeengganyong magsilbi sa gobyerno.

Sa lalong madaling panahon po, uupo na tayo sa LEDAC at pag-uusapan ang mga mahahalagang batas na kailangan nating ipasa. Makakaasa kayo na mananatiling bukas ang aking isipan, at ang ating ugnayan ay mananatiling tapat.

Isinusulong po natin ang Fiscal Responsibility Bill, kung saan hindi tayo magpapasa ng batas na mangangailangan ng pondo kung hindi pa natukoy ang panggagalingan nito. May 104.1 billion pesos tayong kailangan para pondohan ang mga batas na naipasa na, ngunit hindi maipatupad.

Kailangan din nating isaayos ang mga insentibong piskal na ibinigay noong nakaraan. Ngayong naghihigpit tayo ng sinturon, kailangang balikan kung alin sa mga ito ang dapat manatili at kung ano ang dapat nang itigil.

Huwag po tayong pumayag na magkaroon ng isa pang NBN-ZTE. Sa lokal man o dayuhan manggagaling ang pondo, dapat dumaan ito sa tamang proseso. Hinihingi ko po ang tulong ninyo upang amiyendahan ang ating Procurement Law.

Ayon po sa Saligang Batas, tungkulin ng estado ang siguruhing walang lamangan sa merkado. Bawal ang monopolya, bawal ang mga cartel na sasakal sa kumpetisyon. Kailangan po natin ng isang Anti-Trust Law na magbibigay-buhay sa mga prinsipyong ito. Ito ang magbibigay ng pagkakataon sa mga Small- at Medium-scale Enterprises na makilahok at tumulong sa paglago ng ating ekonomiya.

Ipasa na po natin ang National Land Use Bill.

Una rin pong naging batas ng Commonwealth ang National Defense Act, na ipinasa noon pang 1935. Kailangan nang palitan ito ng batas na tutugon sa pangangailangan ng pambansang seguridad sa kasalukuyan.

Nakikiusap po akong isulong ang Whistleblower’s Bill upang patuloy nang iwaksi ang kultura ng takot at pananahimik.

Palalakasin pa lalo ang Witness Protection Program. Alalahanin po natin na noong taong 2009 hanggang 2010, may nahatulan sa 95% ng mga kaso kung saan may witness na sumailalim sa programang ito.

Kailangang repasuhin ang ating mga batas. Nanawagan po akong umpisahan na ang rekodipikasyon ng ating mga batas, upang siguruhing magkakatugma sila at hindi salu-salungat.

Ito pong mga batas na ito ang batayan ng kaayusan, ngunit ang pundasyon ng lahat ng ginagawa natin ay ang prinsipyong wala tayong mararating kung walang kapayapaan at katahimikan.

Dalawa ang hinaharap nating suliranin sa usapin ng kapayapaan: ang situwasyon sa Mindanao, at ang patuloy na pag-aaklas ng CPP-NPA-NDF.

Tungkol sa situwasyon sa Mindanao: Hindi po nagbabago ang ating pananaw. Mararating lamang ang kapayapaan at katahimikan kung mag-uusap ang lahat ng apektado: Moro, Lumad, at Kristiyano. Inatasan na natin si Dean Marvic Leonen na mangasiwa sa ginagawa nating pakikipag-usap sa MILF.

Iiwasan natin ang mga pagkakamaling nangyari sa nakaraang administrasyon, kung saan binulaga na lang ang mga mamamayan ng Mindanao. Hindi tayo puwedeng magbulag-bulagan sa mga dudang may kulay ng pulitika ang proseso, at hindi ang kapakanan ng taumbayan ang tanging interes.

Kinikilala natin ang mga hakbang na ginagawa ng MILF sa pamamagitan ng pagdidisplina sa kanilang hanay. Inaasahan natin na muling magsisimula ang negosasyon pagkatapos ng Ramadan.

Tungkol naman po sa CPP-NPA-NDF: handa na ba kayong maglaan ng kongkretong mungkahi, sa halip na pawang batikos lamang?

Kung kapayapaan din ang hangad ninyo, handa po kami sa malawakang tigil-putukan. Mag-usap tayo.

Mahirap magsimula ang usapan habang mayroon pang amoy ng pulbura sa hangin. Nananawagan ako: huwag po natin hayaang masayang ang napakagandang pagkakataong ito upang magtipon sa ilalim ng iisang adhikain.

Kapayapaan at katahimikan po ang pundasyon ng kaunlaran. Habang nagpapatuloy ang barilan, patuloy din ang pagkakagapos natin sa kahirapan.

Dapat din po nating mabatid: ito ay panahon ng sakripisyo. At ang sakripisyong ito ay magiging puhunan para sa ating kinabukasan. Kaakibat ng ating mga karapatan at kalayaan ay ang tungkulin natin sa kapwa at sa bayan.

Inaasahan ko po ang ating mga kaibigan sa media, lalo na sa radyo at sa print, sa mga nagbablock-time, at sa community newspapers, kayo na po mismo ang magbantay sa inyong hanay.

Mabigyang-buhay sana ang mga batayang prinsipyo ng inyong bokasyon: ang magbigay-linaw sa mahahalagang isyu; ang maging patas at makatotohanan, at ang itaas ang antas ng pampublikong diskurso.

Tungkulin po ng bawat Pilipino na tutukan ang mga pinunong tayo rin naman ang nagluklok sa puwesto. Humakbang mula sa pakikialam tungo sa pakikilahok. Dahil ang nakikialam, walang-hanggan ang reklamo. Ang nakikilahok, nakikibahagi sa solusyon.

Napakatagal na pong namamayani ang pananaw na ang susi sa asenso ay ang intindihin ang sarili kaysa intindihin ang kapwa. Malinaw po sa akin: paano tayo aasenso habang nilalamangan ang kapwa?

Ang hindi nabigyan ng pagkakataong mag-aral, paanong makakakuha ng trabaho? Kung walang trabaho, paanong magiging konsumer? Paanong mag-iimpok sa bangko?

Ngunit kung babaliktarin natin ang pananaw—kung iisipin nating “Dadagdagan ko ang kakayahan ng aking kapwa"—magbubunga po ito, at ang lahat ay magkakaroon ng pagkakataon.

Maganda na po ang nasimulan natin. At mas lalong maganda po ang mararating natin. Ngunit huwag nating kalimutan na mayroong mga nagnanasang hindi tayo magtagumpay. Dahil kapag hindi tayo nagtagumpay, makakabalik na naman sila sa kapangyarihan, at sa pagsasamantala sa taumbayan.

Akin pong paniwala na Diyos at taumbayan ang nagdala sa ating kinalalagyan ngayon. Habang nakatutok tayo sa kapakanan ng ating kapwa, bendisyon at patnubay ay tiyak na maaasahan natin sa Poong Maykapal. At kapag nanalig tayo na ang kasangga natin ay ang Diyos, mayroon ba tayong hindi kakayanin?

Ang mandato nating nakuha sa huling eleksyon ay patunay na umaasa pa rin ang Pilipino sa pagbabago. Iba na talaga ang situwasyon. Puwede na muling mangarap. Tayo nang tumungo sa katuparan ng ating mga pinangarap.

Maraming salamat po.

Now you can

2010-07-22T14:55:00.001+08:00

What thought are you holding that is holding you back? Now you can let it go.

Nothing will come when you try to get it. Now you can stop trying and let it be.

The task is as difficult as you decide to make it. Now you can choose to let it easily and naturally flow.

The little things can give you an excuse to stop, or a place from which to jump to a higher level. Now you can be more authentic and effective than ever.

Proceed with the assumption that you will, and you will. Now you can make a valuable difference.

Touch the vision of who you wish to be, where you wish to go, and how you wish to live. Now you can let it come fully to life.

- Ralph Marston

Ten things to consider when choosing a union:

2010-07-06T21:15:00.000+08:00

1. Platform - The union should have a clear plan on how it intends to improve the lot of all the rank-and-file employees. What benefits/programs/initiatives will it advocate? Are such benefits/programs/initiatives indeed feasible, or are they just intended to win votes or to sway opinion in favor of the union? What are its concrete plans that will redound to the benefit of the members?

2. Transparency - The union should not hide the nature or details of its activities to the rank-and-file employees it represents, whether they be members or not. As the sole and accredited collective negotiating agent of the rank-and-file employees, all of us, whether we be members of the union or not, have a personal stake on how the union performs, on how it utilizes its financial and other resources, on how it negotiates or deals with management. Keeping us in the dark will only lead to speculation on what really happens behind closed doors.

3. Integrity - The union should have character. It should be trusted to do the right thing for the majority, and not serve the interests of a few. Its officers and members should not use the union for personal gain, for advancement of personal interests, for promoting themselves, or for receiving or giving favors to anyone. A union is more than the sum of all the individual members of the negotiating unit. It represents the greatest hope of the rank-and-file in protecting its interests and securing the best benefits and conditions of work possible within the framework of public sector unionism.

4. Sincerity - When the union speaks to you, do you really believe...do you really feel that it indeed has your best interests at heart? Do the members seem genuinely concerned over your situation as an employee, regardless of your rank, status, or standing within the community of rank-and-file employees? Are its officers and members sincere in their desire to help you? Or are they just approaching you just to get your vote, pretending to be your friend but after they get what they want from you, to drop you like yesterday's trash?

5. Truthfulness - A union should stand for truth. It should not sugarcoat or fabricate the truth if only to create a favorable opinion of itself among the employees. Nor it should advance itself at the expense of the truth, by hiding its failures and indiscretions. Nor should it rise up by capitalizing on the weaknesses of another, or by spreading lies and half-truths just to meet its objectives.

6. Justice - The union should give everyone their due. It should not favor one employee over the other simply because one is a member and the other is not, if the non-member is more deserving. It should ensure that wrongdoings be punished, and should not go out of its way to exculpate employees when said employees are guilty of wrong. In all its dealings with the employees or with management, it should take into heart the concept of equity and fair play.

7. Reliability - The union should be relied upon to look after the interests of the employees 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, for the three years that it serves as our collective negotiating agent. In times of crises it should always be there to ensure that we get the protection and representation we expect from them. There should never be an instance that the union is needed yet it is nowhere to be seen.

8. Leadership - The union should inspire and bring out the best from the employees. It should lead by example, its officers should be beyond reproach, without a shred of doubt as to their intentions. It should not try to buy the loyalty of the employees with promises of additional benefits or bonuses, delivered or not. It should earn the loyalty and respect of the employees by always doing the right thing, regardless of whether it favors the employees or not. It is not always easy to do the right thing. The union should be willing to make that hard choice if the situation calls for it.

9. Genuineness - The union should be genuinely concerned with the plight of the employees. It should not pretend to be pro-employee, but actually be pro-management when away from prying eyes. It should genuinely look after the interests of the members, and not compromise such interests by making anti-labor concessions with management on the premise of "I scratch your back, and you scratch mine".

10. Morality - A union should have strong moral fiber. It should not be vulnerable to temptation, it should not be blinded by financial inducements or promises of favors. It should not encourage immorality in all its iterations, nor tolerate such from within its officers. It should exercise ethical behavior in all its dealings. Everything should be above board.

No such thing....

2010-06-27T07:00:00.008+08:00

There's no such thing as a get-rich quick scheme.

There. I said it.

In the realm of human existence, there are only a handful of ways to get rich in the shortest amount of time. You could win the lottery, invent something that sells like hotcakes, author a best selling book, create a successful business, get a high paying job, inherit from a rich deceased relative, be a movie/rock/sports star, marry into a rich family, or find hidden treasure.

If you're live in some Southeast Asian country south of Taiwan and east of Vietnam like I do, you could also add being a corrupt government official, or working at the Bureau of Customs to the list.

The truth is, for the vast majority of us, our financial situations hardly deviate much from where we started from. Yes, there will be improvements, but these are incremental (albeit tangible), and nowhere near the rags to riches prospect that everyone dreams of.

In short, more often than not, if you're rich, you stay rich, and if you're poor, well, you stay poor. Of course this is not a hard and fast rule...there are exceptions, and you'd be surprised how hard work and perseverance go a long way towards achieving one's dream of financial bliss.

What everyone knows, and what almost everyone is quick to forget when faced with the prospect of a get-rich quick scheme is that it takes money to make money. That's why the rich get richer, and the poor, stay poor. Get-rich quick schemes were invented by people who wanted to generate instant wealth without the bother of investing their own money. So what do they do? They come up with systems were they use other people's cash.

The most common schemes are Ponzi schemes and pyramid schemes. A Ponzi scheme in simplest terms involves inducing people to invest money with the promise of a high return...more often than not too high to be sustainable, and without any concrete proof or only a vague description of how the money is invested or how it generates profit. A pyramid scheme on the other hand, is like a Ponzi scheme in that it induces people to invest their money, and the investors in turn are encouraged to find other investors, and so on and so forth. The key characteristic is that there isn't any tangible product or service to speak of. It's just money generation, and, in most countries, it's illegal.

Some manage to make pyramiding legal by simple adding a concrete product or service. In this case, the scheme is no longer pyramiding per se, it's now a Multi-level marketing scheme. While it's no longer illegal, to me at least, I think it's unethical, unsustainable, and encourages greed.

I've seen a lot of multi-level marketing schemes over the years, and, as much as I'm ashamed to admit it, participated in quite a few as well. The products can involve anything from hotel accommodations, herbal juices, vitamin supplements, shark oil, garlic capsules, imitation jewelry, leather goods, garments, cleaning products, cookware, ionized water, and the list goes on and on. Virtually any product can be shoe-horned into a multi-level marketing scheme, and people will continue buying into it, to be swayed by a mere (but impressive) PowerPoint presentation.

Frankly my experience in multi-level marketing wasn't that pleasant. Did I make money? Yes, I suppose. Did I get rich? No. If you're a multi-level marketing advocate you'd probably just say I didn't persevere enough in getting many downlines. You'd probably be right. In the end I find myself being reduced to a mere salesman, selling products people don't need, to people who don't want to buy them, only to get them in the same boat as I am. It's distasteful. You could probably get rich if in multi-level marketing if you really push yourself...but the scheme itself stimulates greed, you end up alienating a lot of friends, you saturate the market, enter into arguments as areas overlap and downlines cross, and at the end of the day, you're not even that richer. Is it worth it? In my book, no. The only ones who get rich in a multi-level marketing scheme are the product manufacturers/retailers who supply the object of the scheme, and those at the uppermost tiers (who probably started the scheme), leaving everyone else below to fight among themselves for prospective downlines. Again, it is distasteful, and quite indicative of how some people are willing to get rich at other people's expense.

Only recently a former officemate was inviting me to participate in another scheme of sorts. The rules seem simple enough. I'm supposed to invest 299 USD, and in a week's time, I'll get a return of 777 USD, or a return of investment of about 160%. When pressed for details, she said something vague about travel accommodations. The 160% return on investment by itself is already a red flag. No legal investments can offer such a high rate, and by itself is more than enough to arouse suspicion. I tried browsing such a a scheme on the internet and found this. Simply put, it's another multi-level marketing ploy that is in fact, under investigation. No way I'm giving away 299 USD. As if I had 299 USD in the first place anyway.

Face the facts people. You will never meet a person who got rich from a multi-level scheme (except of course the very top tier), the same way you'll never meet a fortuneteller or psychic who has won the lottery. Most of the die-hard multi-level marketers I know are still at it, moving to another scheme when the old ones saturate the market or become stale. Yes, it could be a way to eke out a living if you're really good at it...but let face it, you'll hardly get rich from it, and you'll probably lose a lot of friends along the way. You're probably better off with a stable, moderate to high paying job, especially if income security is what you're after.

I know a lot of multi-level marketing diehards out there...and to be honest, most of them are not very pleasant people to be with, almost always seemingly obsessed with making money, and are the type to say almost anything...even lie...just to close a transaction. And God do I hate liars.

Just consider yourselves warned people.

The Law of Conservation of Energy states: Energy cannot be created or destroyed; it may be changed from one form to another. The same can be said for money. It is neither created, nor destroyed, it has to come from somewhere.

So if the return seems too good to be true...then it probably is...and you should avoid it at all costs.

As for multi-level marketing...personally I'd rather not lose my soul for the pursuit of easy money. Because in the real world...there really isn't such a thing as easy money...unless you take advantage of another.

Tip:

When being recruited for a multi-level marketing scheme, save yourself the aggravation and just say No. If you're into that type of thing though, at least look it up on the internet to see if it's viable, or a scam.

Commonweath Ave. lot for sale or lease....

2010-06-26T12:53:00.001+08:00

Just a repost. You never know who might notice.

You can also call 9315575 if you have any inquiries.

Siteplan of the property.

Aerial view. The road at the top of the photo is Commonwealth Avenue.

Here's a tighter aerial shot. The improvements are clearly visible from this distance.

And just in case you're wondering, no, I didn't hire an airplane or a helicopter. Used Google Earth instead. :-)

Irony....

2010-06-19T14:49:00.004+08:00

I've always prided myself for being strong...for being sure of myself. The irony is, that's all an illusion. An illusion I've built for myself to make sure that I'm always in a position of control, to give others the impression that I'm okay in my own little niche, the niche inside my head where I've often sought refuge to protect myself from the pain of the real world.

It's not often I drop that illusion to anyone I know. In fact, I can count on the fingers of one hand the times that I showed my true self to anyone, that of being a needy, insecure individual, devoid of self-confidence, always expecting things to go wrong, always in need of reassurance or validation of the things I do or think of.

Therein lies the rub.

It is this weak side of my persona...dare I say who I am for real, that I show to the few people I've really cared for. It is also this weak side...that disappoints them and drives them away. They see, and perhaps are attracted to the illusion of strength that I project, when in truth, despite my age, I am just a sniveling snot-nosed kid on the inside who needs someone to be there for me.

This is probably the reason why I have often been left behind through the years...and the reason why I've always been reluctant to be close to anyone in the first place...though I wouldn't want to admit it to myself. When I drop my mask, I'm just someone who's more of a burden that I'd care to think of myself as.

I guess this may well be one of those times again.

If this happens again, I may just have to admit the fact that I'm not one anyone would ever want to go out on a limb for, to takes risks for. I mean, why would anyone want to take a chance on someone who lives his life showing a false mask to the outside world, only to see a crumbling, rotten, termite-infested weak core on the inside?

It truly is ironic, if you think about it.

The only time I'm comfortable being my true self is with someone I really care for. But when they see who I really am under the surface...they turn tail and go...maybe not at first...but eventually.

It's not their fault I guess, even though I've spent years convincing myself that I'm a good person, an honorable person, a person who keeps his word. Maybe I really am not. I'm just weak. And no one wants to be with a weak person, who ends up being more of a liability than an asset. And no one really wants liabilities.

I guess this is the awful truth that I just have to accept.

It took me several years...but maybe that's what I need to admit to make peace with myself. That I'm just a burden to those I open up to...and I really don't want to be a burden to anyone.

If I lose what I have now...this would only confirm my worst suspicions about myself, and its probably not a good idea to show who I really am to anyone anymore.

It's disappointing...but I guess it can't be helped. Better I disappoint now than later I suppose...

Just when I was starting to feel really good about myself too...

I've always prided myself on being what I am. I guess what I really am on the inside is not something to be proud of.

*sigh*

Am I too possessive?

2010-06-05T07:19:00.002+08:00

Am I?

Someone close to me asked me once or twice if I'm the possessive type of person in a relationship. To be honest, I never really thought of myself as the possessive type. I've been in a few relationships in my life, and while I have my share of character flaws...more than my share actually, being possessive didn't seem to be one of them. I guess I could be mistaken for that though, because I am fond of giving my attention to someone I care for, but it doesn't really mean that I give my attention 24/7, nor do I obligate her to receive my attention, 24/7.

While I definitely enjoy the company of someone special, I would like to think that I know where the lines are drawn, and what things I shouldn't intrude into. I know this, because I tend to be a very private person myself, and indeed there are just some things that are better left to yourself.

Couples don't really have to tell each other everything. While I don't really like too many secrets between couples, it doesn't necessarily follow that one always has to tell the other everything. I suppose it depends on one's comfort level. If one is comfortable divulging all the details of his or her life, then let him or her do it by all means. If one isn't, then he or she shouldn't be forced to. Being forced to talk about stuff one would rather not only makes the person uncomfortable, and being uncomfortable is one of the last things you want when you're in a relationship.

I have this "thing" though. Not that I have many things like this, but there is this something I'm not really comfortable with... I just don't like it when a significant other (hypothetically speaking of course, since I may or may not have a significant other) would go out with another guy...just the two of them, even if I know there's nothing going on, even if I know that they're just friends...unless of course, they're related. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not...and I would like to think that I am not, but, that's it. That's my "thing". When I think about why such a situation upsets me, I guess it reminds me of less than pleasant things that happened in my past, that people aren't perfect and may fall to temptation, and that there are indeed people...who can...break your trust.

Looking at the big picture, it doesn't mean that I don't want my significant other (assuming I had one) living her own life, doing her own thing, going out with her own friends. Of course she can...and she should. Relationships should broaden the parties' horizons, and not limit them. A relationship is not a set of blinders one puts on the other party to narrow his or her view of the world. With respect to the "thing" I mentioned above, I just prefer it if she doesn't go out with another guy as a pair. It would be better it if they weren't just by themselves. Other than that, I don't really mind.

Maybe its paranoia I suppose. If I had the choice I'd simply rather not deal with the potential for gossip, the possibility of temptation no matter if remote, the emergence of doubt, or the chance for lies to rear their ugly heads. It's because yes, I've been in such a situation in the past, and no, it didn't turn out so good. The ironic thing is, it wasn't the going out with another guy, just the two of them which did me in. In fact I didn't mind...at least at the time. It was its aftereffects, which led to one thing and then another...and I don't really like thinking about it anymore.

What about now? If that "thing" happens again would it upset me? I guess it would. But would I be really, really upset? Probably not. Still...

Personally, I wouldn't do that, or at least avoid it as much as possible. That is, go out with another woman, as a pair. It doesn't really matter if we're not doing anything bad or illicit, or anything like that. It's just that I'd rather not give my significant other (again, assuming I had one) a reason to doubt me, and that's it.

Doubt leads to fear, fear leads to pain, pain leads to sadness...you know the rest. That's why I never liked it when there's doubt.

Back to the issue of possessiveness, I took this test just for the hell of it, and answered it as truthfully as I could. This is what I got:

Your score is 5. You don't really have any issues with possessiveness. You are a secure and trusting partner and this is to your credit. You don't let things get to you until you have a concrete reason to do so, and this makes for some really healthy relationships. Keep up the good work!

Go figure.

Maybe I'm really not that possessive at all. But let's see.

On marriage, spouses, annulment and divorce....

2010-06-03T08:18:00.004+08:00

Foreword to the repost:

This is one of my most read blog entries, as well as one of my oldest ones, having been posted almost six years ago. Thought I'd post it again. Old or not, some people still find it interesting. That's one of the nice things about having posted a ton of entries. I can always recycle one if I'm suffering from writer's block. :-)

(Foreword to the repost dated June 3, 2010)

Foreword:

This is one of my very first posts, made more than a year ago. Just thought I'd post it again.

Since it is more than a year old, and written during the dawn of my blogging days, it doesn't really meet my present standards as far as the writing style and thoroughness are concerned, especially taking into consideration the fact that it deals with a rather touchy subject for some. Then, I just wrote for myself, about whatever comes to mind, without any regard for the sensitivities of an audience. A year later, some things have changed. Not only are there people kind enough to actually read what I post, my thoughts about the subject have also changed somewhat...mellowed down if you will, perhaps because of time and age.

However, I still think this post is still interesting, even a year down the road. Consequently, I didn't bother updating or rewriting it, and posted it exactly how it came out a year ago. As such, if you find it lacking in some aspect, don't forget to treat it for what it is...simply an old post, possibly written ahead of its time.

(Foreword dated November 25, 2005.)

I'm 32 years old, and I have been married once. That marriage had been over for the past five or so years, and declared null and void for the last two. Yet on occasion...like now for example...I still tend to reflect and ponder over it.

Divorce/annulment rates are on the rise, more so in developed and developing countries. I predict a trend: in a about a couple of generations...less than a hundred years...marriage would not be a prevalent custom or tradition between couples as it is today. It's just a matter of time before divorce/annulment rates take up a major portion of the marriage numbers...making marriage an inconsequential and insignificant undertaking.

Even now, we see the effects of this trend. Whereas marriage used to be an end in itself...a life decision...with lifetime consequences...it is common knowledge that marriage has not been as durable as a bond between couples as it was in the past. Instead, it is now considered more or less a stop over, a temporary and reversible state, much so that it is no longer unusual to see people move in and out of marriages repeatedly throughout their lives.

Don't get me wrong. I still respect marriage. In fact, I'd rather be married than single. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, or still cling to old morals and values, but a lot of people nowadays feel just the opposite.

Maybe it was inevitable. Historically, it has only been in the last forty to fifty years or so when we saw divorce/annulment rates skyrocket. And why did this happen? The number of broken marriages started a slow but steady upsurge when women started empowering themselves...the women's liberation movement of the 60's perhaps? Before, no matter how abusive, irresponsible, or downright unpleasant husbands became, their wives never left them, never filed for divorce, never separated from them. Why? Simply because they did what was expected from them at the time. Women were supposed to be homemakers, and unquestionably loyal to their husbands, no matter what. Nowadays, this sentiment hardly exists anymore, and women are hardly expected to remain silent in the face of spousal abuse. Of course, I do not condone abusive, irresponsible or unfaithful husbands...and women have the right to leave any environment...such as marriage...that is detrimental to their well being. But it seems that with our modern society granting equal status to women as a sex, the place of men being the traditional heads of families is now up for grabs. The logic is: if women can do anything men do, why can't they perform the functions of being head of a family?

Well, the reality is, yes, they can. However, this role as far as women are concerned puts them directly at odds with several thousand years of social traditions and customs which assume that the man is the indisputable head of a family. Perhaps this precept makes this pattern go against several million years of evolution as well. The end result of this is that there will be an inevitable clash for leadership of the basic block of human society...the family. And in the process, we can expect many families to be casualties of this conflict. I know I was. Maybe.

In the future, we will have women bearing children by different men. We have men living up to their polygamous nature. Marriage as a social institution will probably cease to exist, or probably still exist as an exception to general rule. In fact we can even see this happening today...just look around you. If this isn't the middle of some trend, I don't know what else it is. Scary? Perhaps. Society is changing faster than our sense of morals can keep up with it. And fear brings up a vicious cycle...fear of the weakening marriage bonds only weakens it further...in effect even less people would dare risk getting married.

This idea somewhat lodged itself in my brain after watching the movie The Stepford Wives. In the movie, husbands actually went as far as reprogram their wives with mid 20th century values...turning them into plain homemakers and housewives....The movie wasn't all that bad, and the premise was...intriguing to say the least. What will the family be like in the future? I cannot say with complete certainty, but it will be different from what we know. Same sex marriages are already in the horizon. What else is in store for us in the future? Whether it will be better...or worse, remains to be seen.

(Originally posted November 23, 2004)

Nothing....

2010-06-01T18:04:00.003+08:00

I have writer's block. I don't know what to write about.

At this very moment I'm sitting in front of my notebook, listening to random MP3s, while I burn another hour before I can take to the streets.

Everything is a blank though. No, I'm not sad, nor am I depressed. Am I happy? In a general sense I am. Maybe I'm just bored, but then again I really have no idea what I want to do at this particular moment, so I'm sitting here, staring into space, my mind devoid of anything, except for the words I'm typing at this very moment.

The music of Coldplay fills the air, emanating from the tinny speakers of my cheap notebook while the setting sun shines its last few minutes of sunlight through the window blinds at the other side of the room. And here I sit. Pondering nullity.

I guess I could go for a cigarette right about now, but I'm making a conscious effort to reduce the number of cigarettes I smoke, so, no. I could go downstairs and check if the ATM to my bank is now online, but somehow I can't bring myself to stand up. Maybe later.

So what's on my mind? Nothing really. And I mean nothing. I think I ran out of scenarios to run through my head. I still have that favorite scenario of mine, what to do in case I win the Lotto, but I've thought about that so many times during my frequent episodes of idleness that I seem to have grown tired of that one.

I called up my son just to exchange a few pleasantries, but we really don't have much to talk about right now, so that's that.

Hmmm...

Maybe I could use a beer, but I guess my days of drinking for no reason are now numbered. Not that I'm complaining really, since I was never really much of a drinker in the first place.

Things have settled down on the western front though, so no worries there. No sense wasting brain cells on that anymore, I have already thought that situation and all possible scenarios related to that to death, and the bottom line is, Que Sera Sera.

I want to do something, though I don't really know what.

I'm not that hungry. Nor do I really feel like seeing a movie. I'm not that sleepy either. I'm not really lonely though...not anymore, so that's not it either. Maybe I should buy something, but I don't really need anything.

Daughtry is now playing.

I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing...

Do I feel like singing?

I'm not sure. I always liked singing to myself. When I drive, or when I'm alone. Lately someone kinda likes hearing me sing. I really don't mind...though it's a bit different. There was this one person a long time ago...who also used to like hearing me sing too, but that was so long, long ago, and I scarcely remember whatever feelings I had during that time, and how I felt whenever I sang a song to her then.

I still love singing though. And I don't really mind singing for another person...for her...now.

I used to be in a band, but that seems like a lifetime away. It's different now. Singing for her. How different? Basta.

Maybe I should pack up now. Only half an hour left before seven.

Maybe tomorrow I won't be such a blank.

Sonnet XLIII

2010-06-01T07:00:00.002+08:00

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barret Browning

His first....

2010-05-31T07:17:00.004+08:00

Solo jeepney ride, that is.

Yesterday, a little before noon, my son and I undertook a grand experiment...well not that grand to be honest. In the grand scheme of things it's probably mediocre. Still, useful lessons ought to be learned, so we, or at least I, thought it to be a worthwhile endeavor to teach my son how to ride a jeepney by himself.

Actually, he taught himself. I wasn't there with him. If I were, it wouldn't be a solo jeepney ride would it?

I drove him near his school, which was beside Sto. Domingo church in Quezon City, gave him a couple of bills, and gave him the four cardinal rules of jeepney riding: (1) Don't draw attention to himself; (2) Don't display any expensive stuff like his cellphone or PSP; (3) Keep his eyes peeled, and to trust his senses. If he thinks something is off or looks suspicious, find another jeepney; and lastly (4) Look cool.

Unfortunately, he botched the last one, since the first thing that happened when he got off the car was that his shoe came flying off, no doubt because of his laziness in tying shoelaces properly. After retrieving the errant shoe, he retreated back to the car to put it on...an auspicious start to the the first of many experiences in taking public transportation.

A year or so ago, his Mom told me he didn't want his son to take public transport. Frankly, I think its inevitable. He's already a teenager, and in a few years he'll be in college, he won't always have someone to fetch him, nor would he probably want to be fetched in certain circumstances, so he might as well learn now. I suppose mothers tend to be overprotective of their brood. In my case, I'd prefer my son get out into the world and learn the important...and even less important stuff by himself. That's the only way he'll get to learn responsibility...something he won't learn if his parents are always there to shelter him from the world or bail him out of everything.

Well, so I left him there by the side road, and drove back home. Others may have waited until he got himself on a jeepney, but not me. I just drove right out of there. Was I worried? Not really. It's a rite of passage. All of us do it eventually, he so might as well get a head start. Besides, how hard is it really? I've seen kids half his age take jeepney rides by themselves, with backpacks perhaps as heavy as they were.

I got home, and just did the usual. About 15 minutes later, he got home, and that was it.

His first.

Obviously, it won't be his last.

Home

2010-05-28T05:27:00.000+08:00

If in my deep slumber

I would awaken,

And find my world

And life’s dreams

To be forsaken,

Let me hold onto my credence

Of someday I’ll find you home.

Back to where my heart is longing,

Ease my heart that’s breaking,

Stop the tears falling,

And come back home.

If by chance we meet

And you see that I am confused,

Put a stop to my confusion

And carry me home.

Destiny’s already woven

We’ve got to keep believing

That ours are interwoven,

That’s all I could do to

Keep apart from you,

Hoping someday

Love would see us through.

Though troubles and despairs may

Be cast upon our ways, but

God would see us through.

Home, will be the place in my heart

Where you’ll stay for a lifetime,

I’ll wait for you in the meantime

When the time would be right

For us to decide

What’s next in line.

Just remember that –

I will always love you,

For my home is your heart…

and yours is in mine.

- Lynae

Way Back into Love

2010-05-27T05:50:00.003+08:00

Way Back Into Love
Hugh Grant Featuring Haley Bennett

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Commonweath Ave. lot for sale or lease....

2010-05-26T13:58:00.002+08:00

Just a repost. You never know who might notice.

You can also call 9315575 if you have any inquiries.

Siteplan of the property.

Aerial view. The road at the top of the photo is Commonwealth Avenue.

Here's a tighter aerial shot. The improvements are clearly visible from this distance.

And just in case you're wondering, no, I didn't hire an airplane or a helicopter. Used Google Earth instead. :-)

Unnamed haiku....

2010-05-25T15:50:00.005+08:00

The summer air:
saps my strength
I sit in my chair.

Yes. That's it.

Standstill

2010-05-24T14:30:00.001+08:00

Bounded by the thoughts of what once was
I lingered, filled with emotions that’ll never come to pass
Trapped in a time I thought won't ever last
Silenced by the memories of the past.

Within these walls, I blindly walk
Not knowing when or where to go.
Shadows of doubt had loomed so free,
Trying to fill the void that once was me.

In this emptiness, I quietly lay,
Waiting and hoping for time to make haste
Fading the delusions of the mind,
Of dreams that I can never find.

- Lynae

My first....

2010-05-23T00:16:00.003+08:00

Last night, out of the blue, I received a message on my Facebook account.

It was her.

My first girlfriend, whom I last heard from 19 years ago.

I look at her profile picture. She still looks exactly the same as I remember her. Apparently she's doing well...and not surprisingly, she has her own family now.

Frankly, I don't know how to react.

I must have made an impression on her, since she remembered me and actually looked me up after all these years.

Though it was 19 years ago, I still remember how I felt back then. I remember how we met when I first got a summer job working at a Dunkin' Donuts shop in SM North Edsa. I remember how I used to wait for her until she punched out of the donut shop where we both worked so I could take her home. I remember when she was reassigned to a branch in Quiapo where I used to visit her, even though I wasn't working anymore. I remember when she left Manila to go back home to Pangasinan. I remember how hard I tried to maintain a long-distance relationship. I remember writing to her so often...every few days I'd mail her a letter. I remember when I finally received a letter from her calling it off. I remember that I was so heartbroken that my physician sister gave me Trazepam to calm me down. I remember it took me months to get over her...even though we weren't a couple for very long.

I remember taking my relationship with her so seriously...and I was just 18 at the time.

I remember everything.

Well, that's all water on the bridge. My feelings for her have long gone now, and I have moved on. It's still a bit disconcerting though, getting in touch again with someone who was my first love. All I had of her were my memories, and now, she exists again as a real flesh and blood person, albeit through the ether of cyberspace.

I don't really feel anything. Should I feel something? If so, what?

I never really expected to get in touch with her again. But with technology advancing the way it is...it was inevitable I guess.

The facts haven't changed though. She will always be my first love, and my memories of her will always be special. Looking back, I was really disappointed when it ended way back then. But we were just kids at the time, so it was bound to happen. And like most of my relationships which followed (not that there were a lot mind you), I loved her more than she loved me. I needed her more than she needed me. Even after 19 years, some things never change. I still love the same way...since I don't know any other way to love.

19 years hence, I also learned something else:

While your first love will always be special...it is your last love which will truly matter in the end.

And I'm really hoping that this will be my last. I don't think my heart can take this strain again.

A rose by any other name....

2010-05-22T19:46:00.002+08:00

JULIET:

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

- From Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

What's in a name?

2010-05-22T13:35:00.008+08:00

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself when someone told me that some union members where planning to change the name of their union supposedly "because the union name has no credibility". Hello? How can a union name "not have any credibility"? It's just a name.

Sometimes I can't help but be surprised how shallow some people can be. It is the officers and members of a union which give it its credibility, and not the name. Even if the name was changed, but if you still had the same people on board, and these people are not credible to begin with, it doesn't matter how many times you change the name, or what name you change it to. The organization will still lack credibility.

As I'm often fond of saying: A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. And by the same token, a pile of shit would still stink no matter what you call it.

What's in a name anyway?

Are the terms we use to refer to someone, to something, really that important? It would seem so at first glance...but people and things remain who and what they are...no matter what you call them.

I have this friend...this close friend whom I actually care a lot for, who used to make a point of not calling the times we went out "dates". It bothered me a bit at first...but then I realized it really didn't matter what she called it. It would still be me, her, and whatever we chose to do when we went out. I would still enjoy her company and hopefully she would enjoy mine. Does it really matter if it's technically a "date" or not? Maybe, maybe not.

She always considered the term "date" as something to be contextualized in the romantic sense...a sense she would rather not consider at this point in time. She may be right...but at the end of the day it is what it is. If none...one...or both of us, let slip in the occasional romantic thought or inuendo, it doesn't really detract from...or enhance...or change the experience. It still is what it is, two people sharing a common activity. It will remain what it's expected to be, no matter what you call it. Whether it leads to something else or not, that's up to the people involved to decide for themselves.

I also find it a bit amusing that she finds it difficult to call me by my first name...my first name only, with no "honorifics". Not that I give a big deal about it...she can call me anything she wants to...and I would still be the person she's referring to. It just turns out we worked in a professional capacity some years ago, and she got used to addressing me with an honorific prefix before my name. Lately, we haven't really crossed paths on a professional level, though as of late, we've been..."intertwined" (her words) on a personal level. And yet, on occasion, she still uses the honorifics, and hesitates without them. To her credit, she's trying to drop the prefix, albeit with some difficulty. It's not a big deal...but it still is quite amusing to observe. :-)

Names in a way are labels...and labels aren't always a good thing. I say this, despite the fact that I have often been guilty of labeling things, people or situations in my head, a form of "social triage" if you will, that I often do to make things convenient and save me some frustration from the real world.

Naming or labeling things...really don't change their nature. The names and labels are for convenience, perhaps for filing these things in our memories, for classifying things for easy reference. Unfortunately, some of us have this penchant for taking names and labels literally...therein lies the rub. Labels often create an impression in our minds even before we have actually grasped or understood the situation, and that often leads to incorrect presumptions, stereotyping...or to worse things like bias, bigotry, or discrimination. And these things can be more trouble than they're worth.

So, to cap things off, what is in a name anyway? Nothing much really. Because it simply is what it is. And things are what they are.

Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose.

- Gertrude Stein

Status update....

2010-05-20T07:51:00.007+08:00

This is one of those posts which are about nothing in particular. I felt like posting an update, but for the life of me, nothing really blog-worthy seems to be popping into my head at this very moment.

I'm not saying that there's nothing going on. I guess there is, but at this point in time I guess I'd rather not blog about it since it's a hanging issue, and I don't think its a good idea to preempt something, whether it goes one way or another. Suffice it to say that I'm still hoping for the best, and at the same time, afraid of...yet preparing for the worst.

As for other things...not much to report.

I keep getting a lot of input from other people suggesting that I try doing something new in our office. At this point I'm not so sure about that. Maybe I'll wait until things settle down. With the national elections over more than a week ago, and a new administration starting on June 30, a lot of things could still happen in our office. It's not impossible for our office to have its own change of administration, so I guess long-term career plans, and for that matter, any long-term plans regarding our office would have to held in abeyance at least until after June.

I haven't seen my son in about two weeks, probably more if I really counted the days. I'm not really complaining or anything, I'm used to him being away on trips for long periods of time with his mom, and besides, it's good that he gets to go places. I was never really much of a travel person, and it's not very likely he would get the same experiences with me.

It is a bit boring though. If I wasn't doing what I'm currently doing, I would probably be bored silly. If my son were here, it's not as if we would do a lot stuff together. He's a teenager, with a mind and world of his own, and he's no longer the chubby kid I used to drag along with me to malls and parks, the kid I used to bribe with visits to McDonald's or Jollibee or Toy Kingdom just to get him on board. Nowadays, he'd just log on Facebook or play Cabal Online and chat with his friends and guildmates while an anime is playing in a window until someone told him that it was time to eat. Not that he's a couch potato. He goes biking, skateboarding and waveboarding whenever the sun isn't too hot.

Speaking of friends, my son already has 360 friends on his Facebook account, almost a hundred more than me. I used to play this game in my head that I shouldn't let my son have more friends than me on Facebook. :-) Unfortunately, my son has more charisma and makes friends quite easily, and it was inevitable that he would exceed my number of Facebook friends in a relatively short amount of time.

That's good. He's becoming a person in his own right, and not just his parents' son.

Hmmm...so what else is there to talk about?

I'm still figuring out what I want to do with my life. I think I already have an idea, but I don't want to jinx it. Let's just say that I don't want to go back to what I was before. The place I was before was just a void. A safe void, but a void nonetheless. It wasn't really a nice place to be, and I'd rather not go back there if I had anything to say about it.

For now, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I aim to make the most of it. I want this state to last a long, long time, but unfortunately that's really not up to me. Even if things go south from here though...even if the feelings of happiness end right this very moment...everything that happened wasn't in vain. I've been happier the past several weeks (with some scattered bouts of depression here and there, since it comes with the territory) than I was the past several years, and those moments of happiness, fleeting as they may end up being, make everything worth it.

Postscript:

Jiraiya is dead. :-)

Memo from the Management

2010-05-19T05:50:00.002+08:00

Your action may be required.
MEMO : TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Effective immediately

DRESS CODE

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

HOLIDAY DAYS

Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year of holidays. They are called Sunday.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employee involvement attend the arrangements. In rare cases where the employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minutes limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of the three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company's notice board under the "chronic offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's
mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK

1. Skinny employees get 30 minutes break for lunch, as they need to eat more
so that they will look healthy.

2,. Normal size employees get 15 minutes break for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby employees get 5 minutes break for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a "slim-fast."

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.

For your guidance and strict compliance.

Too sensitive for my own good?

2010-05-18T07:44:00.003+08:00

Am I?

Too sensitive for my own good?

Maybe I am, and I just haven't realized it.

Maybe I kept to myself for so long now, that I've forgotten how to take other people's thoughts and actions in stride;

Maybe I've always distanced myself from everyone else, and now I'm not sure how to be close to anyone anymore;

Maybe I've been doing things my own way for the longest time now, and I'm no longer used to people telling me I'm doing the wrong thing, or telling me to do something else;

Maybe I've been so full of myself for years, that I filled up the space meant for other people with my own self-loathing;

Maybe I've been so cynical about other people that I find it difficult adjusting to the concept that there are some people who actually care about me without wanting anything from me;

Maybe I've been so preoccupied with giving that I don't know how to receive anymore;

Maybe I've finally turned into an antisocial paranoiac.

Maybe I'm already dead...but I just don't know it.

That's a lot of maybes...

I need space....

2010-05-17T08:08:00.002+08:00

Hard disk space that is.

I have a total of 2 GB of Network-attached storage, consisting of a Linksys NAS200 with two 500 GB Seagate Barracuda 7200.12 SATA drives, and a 1 TB Seagate FreeAgent Desk connected to the NAS200 via USB.

It isn't enough.

Linksys NAS200.

Seagate FreeAgent Desk.

I bought the NAS200 with its two drives about a year and a half ago. The FreeAgent is only about four months old. Between the two of them I only have about 200 GB of space free, and at the rate I'm downloading stuff, I'd probably fill my drives to capacity in a few weeks' time.

Two terabytes of movies, TV series, animes, documentaries, comic books, e-books, MP3s, and what not.

When I first started with computers in the 80s, (yes I'm old, I know) I thought the 143 KB capacity of a single-sided 5.25" floppy on my Apple II Plus was a godsend, especially when compared to the meager capacity and inconvenience of storing data on cassette tapes, which were popular at the time. Today in 2010, I have 7 million times the capacity of those 143 KB discs, and it still isn't enough.

Nowadays, it seems the best way to store your data is on a hard drive. I've been backing up and storing programs and data on various media over the past three decades, but eventually you end up with a pile of storage media in various formats and no drive to read them.

Stored in my closets, cabinets and shelves are hundreds of neatly filed 160 KB 5.25" discs from my long dead Apple II, 360 KB 5.25" floppies from my old PC, 1.2 MB HD 5.25" floppies for an AT high density drive, 720 KB and 1.44 MB 3.5" microfloppies, dozens of 100 MB Zip Disks, and a few 1 GB Jaz Disks, most of which are chock full of data, but for all intents and purposes, useless. In a few years CD-ROMs, CD-Rs and CD-RWs will be obsolete as well, and I also have hundreds of them. A few more years after that, the vast collection of DVDs I have will also be obsolete. The moral of the story is that any storage medium, no matter how high-tech it may seem when you first use them, is destined to be obsolete, so don't bother accumulating much of them.

At present, I rely mostly on network attached drives, USB drives, and flash drives, aside from the internal drives of my various PCs. No doubt after a while these will be obsolete as well. I haven't gotten around to getting any of those new-fangled solid-state drives (SSDs), I still can't afford them.

For now I guess, it's either I cut down on the downloads, or get more storage space.

Okay. I'll get more storage space. :-)

Episodes of Gloom

2010-05-16T08:10:00.004+08:00

I stare into the distance
thinking of what once was...
I reach out to you with my thoughts
but you were nowhere.

I listen to my beating heart
the heart that still beats for you...
I strain to hear your heartbeat
but I hear only silence.

I remember the warmth of your touch
the soft caress that once gave me repose...
I try to hold on to you
but you have long since gone.

Then there is a hollow emptiness
a bleak void of nothingness in my soul...
I shed my tears for you in despair
and I go on my way.

As good as it gets....

2010-05-13T15:28:00.005+08:00

I wonder if this is as good as it gets.

Sustaining one's enthusiasm for one thing or another isn't always easy, especially for things that are long term.

It's like being excited about paying premiums for your insurance policy the first few quarters. Then you realize you'll be doing the same thing for more than twenty years until the policy matures, and the enthusiasm is replaced by the grind of the routine of making payments for what is almost the rest of your natural life.

Or like one of those biology experiments from when you were in high school, you plant a seed, and wait days before any signs of life appear, if at all, and wait weeks before you get a healthy plant.

It's not that I'm complaining. Patience, as they say, is a virtue. And I'm a very patient person. It's just that an emotional high cannot be sustained for indefinite lengths of time, as it can be emotionally draining. It takes a lot of energy to maintain an emotional high, and I'd like to get that energy from somewhere...I don't know, maybe from sleep, from relaxation, from meditation, from prayers...from red wine, dark chocolate, potato chips or spearmint-flavored cigarettes.

I just don't want it to settle to being a mere routine. I want it to be exciting, to be something I'm enthused about, to be something I look forward to.

I know it can't be helped. Watching paint dry doesn't make it dry any faster, and as they say, a watched pot never boils (actually they do, as I've learned from my extensive experience in cooking instant noodles, but I don't recommend you try it, it's very boring). Things move at their natural pace, things resonate at their own natural frequencies, and there are some things that just can't be sped up, nor is it advisable that they be sped up.

So we dig our trenches, fill up our sandbags, and set up our machine guns, and settle down for the long haul...at least until the enemy comes charging with bayonets fixed shouting "Banzai!"

In the meantime, I suppose I should keep busy...but it leads to another situation, my poor ability to multitask. I can only focus on one major thing at a time. If I focus on something else, I may neglect something or other. Well, it's not really that bad I suppose. It's not as if I'm a horse with blinders on my eyes, nor am I just a one-trick pony. It's just a matter of setting one's priorities, and managing one's self.

I can do this. I know I can. I want to do this. I know I want to do this.

I shouldn't hope for, wait for, or even expect miracles. Yes, sometimes they happen...but most of the time they don't. If they happen all the time they wouldn't be miracles anymore. I just have to pace myself. You can't run a marathon by sprinting the first 100 meters. You won't have anything left for the rest of the race.

So I guess it's just a matter of pacing. I think I can handle that. I'm not an idiot, nor am I a spoiled brat. I don't have to have everything I want right now. I don't even have to have what I want ever, because we don't always get what we want. That's just how the world works.

There are a lot of things...like fine wines, cheeses (sorry for the metaphors, only food comes to mind at this time), that only show their true potential if they are given just the right amount of time to mature. To rush would only spoil it.

I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. I won't even hope anymore as shattered hopes can be truly depressing...and that's always a real possibility that my mind has often considered. I'll just keep at it, as I've always been doing, not because I'm expecting anything to happen in return, but because I enjoy doing what I'm doing. And indeed I do.

So if this is as good as it gets...so what? I like what I'm doing. And if I don't get anything out of it, again...so what? I'm not in this only for myself anyway. If someone else gets something out of this...as long as that something is good, then it's okay. It means that regardless of how things end up...my efforts weren't in vain.

My immortal....

2010-05-13T10:18:00.007+08:00

The human lifespan is a paradox.

It's too long if you live a miserable life, yet too short if you live a happy one, much like six years is too long for a bad President, and too short for a good one.

And it doesn't seem to be fair...you spend almost twenty years or so in school, possibly more, filling your head with knowledge supposedly necessary to get you through life, get a job, build up relations, start a family, accumulate resources, and just when you feel like everything is about right, you'll find out that life has passed you by, and you're just waiting for the grim reaper to show up with scythe in hand, ready to harvest your soul.

To be honest I was never really afraid of dying, I always felt that it was something that was bound to happen sooner or later, so there really was no sense getting worked up over something that was inevitable in the first place. And besides, it always felt like I never had anything to lose...at least that's how I felt, over the past several years.

There are times though, rare as it may seem...that I feel that I found something worth living for, and all of a sudden, I don't want to die...at least not yet.

I wish I was immortal. That only happens in fiction though, no one really lives forever, and if you really think about it, why would you even consider it?

Ironically enough, I would surmise that immortality would suit me just fine. They say that if you live forever, eventually you would be alone because everyone you know or love would eventually grow old and pass away. But what if you're already alone from the very start? What if you forego all attachments, sever all connections, and live your life as a mere observer of mankind, never to be a part of it? Frankly, this has been one of my fantasies, this and living in a zombie-infested post-apocalyptic nightmare, but that's one for another post. :-)

This is all hypothetical though, we are all destined to die one day. It is part and parcel of the human condition that we strive to improve our lot in the limited period of time that we exist on this earth. To work through our failings and shortcomings, and to bask in our successes, until our bodies give out and we move on to the great beyond. Before that happens though, we leave behind our children, teach them to learn from our mistakes, and encourage them to move towards directions we can scarcely imagine...to move forward, wherever that takes them.

I'm lost. I forgot the point of this post.

Okay, I remember.

In a way it's a bit scary to find something to live for...in fact it's a dual-edged sword that can take your head off in more than one way. If you lose that something...you lose all reason for being, and you end up not caring one way or another about the world you live in. I should know...I've been there, done that. And even if you don't lose that something, sometimes you end up being paranoid, fearing that you may lose that something important to you, something that gives you a reason to live. One thing about existing as a blank is that, once you're no longer a blank slate, you fear going back to the way you were.

I suppose, if you live forever, you wouldn't give a crap anymore. You would have the entirety of eternity to regain whatever you lose, to lose whatever you regain. But then again, if that is indeed the case, life would be pointless, as there would no longer be any risks involved. You can just do any permutation of existence as you may care to try, never mind the losses, and just reap the benefits. Much like playing every known combination in the lottery. Yes, you'll end up winning, but at the cost of your humanity.

I guess I'm just used to being sad. Sadness may be an awful emotion, but it's a safe emotion. If you're sad, you can't get any sadder, and there's always the chance that you may become happy eventually. On the other hand, if you're happy, there's no where else to go but be sad, and I don't like thinking about that possibility.

Immortal or not.

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears...

- Opening line from the song "My Immortal", by Evanescence.

Postscript:

This and the preceding post's titles seem to have been inspired by songs. Song lyrics seem to have a way of being good material for thought experiments. Maybe I'll write more similar posts in the future. At least, with regard to songs I can relate to my own measly experiences.

Somewhere in the middle....

2010-05-12T07:24:00.006+08:00

Now that the national elections are over, another showdown is looming. The arena, interestingly enough, is my office.

My office has two unions. One has been in existence for more than two decades. The other is only nine years old. The older one is recognized by management. The younger one is not...at least as far as for purposes of collective negotiation are concerned.

Currently, a petition for certification election has already been filed with the Bureau of Labor Relations (BLR) though as of this date the petition is still pending and hasn't been decided upon. The way things are going, it can go either way, and I really have no idea how the BLR will decide the issue.

The established union is claiming that it holds the majority status and that it possesses the requisite accreditation issued by the Civil Service Commission (CSC) required by law before one can become the collective negotiating agent for a particular workplace. The young upstart on the other hand, is claiming that the accreditation the other party possesses is invalid/illegally obtained, that it also possesses the majority status, and that a certification election should be held so that the rank-and-file employees can choose which union they want to represent them.

The thing is, without going too much in to the technicalities and legalities of both parties' arguments, to my mind, both of them are right. And both of them are wrong. As to which is which, that's for the BLR to decide, and not for me to elaborate.

I'm not affiliated with either side. I'd like to say that I'm completely unbiased...and in fact maybe I am...or I'd like to think that I am. I don't really favor one side over the other at this point in time. I guess you can say...that I'm somewhere in the middle.

I have a lot of friends in the older organization. At one time or another I may have provided some assistance to them, though nothing official or anything in the way of serious or heavy stuff. Though I don't always agree with the way they do things, I really don't have a personal axe to grind against any of the officers or members. And that's fine with me.

In the newer organization, I played a more critical role, well, at least at the start. I was one of the founding members and was even an officer for a time. I was the one who drafted the Constitution and By-Laws and the one who thought of the name, though few, if any still remember. That was way back in 2001 though. By 2004, I had already resigned as an officer and even withdrew my membership. I had my reasons, but the main thing for me is that I believed that the organization no longer upheld the ideals for which it was established, I found it appalling there are just some people who would, deliberately or otherwise, undermine the hard work performed by some just like that.

Fast forward six years, and the two are at it again. Not only are they bickering through press releases or what not, it has reached the BLR, and even the regular courts as criminal cases have now been filed. If my information is correct, this is only the beginning as administrative cases are also set to be filed.

I find this a bit saddening. I have a lot of friends from both sides, and it is not impossible that some of them may even be subjected to preventive measures or even meted penalties because of their actions, whether they believe them to be principled or not.

I'd like to help if I could, but it is difficult to do so without compromising my neutrality, and at this point in my career, if you can call it that, I'd rather get by without offending or antagonizing anyone anymore. I've been there, done that, and to be honest, I never really got anything out of it, and worse, I may have been used as a tool by some people to get what they want.

I can't help it if I had always been a sucker for a good cause...even if some people just want to take advantage of it.

And now, I choose to stay somewhere in the middle. This is somewhat a new thing for me, since more often than not it's the circumstances which dictate that I stay in the middle. It's not often that I'd actually get to choose being in the middle, and whether it's by destiny or by design...I never really liked being in the middle, being in Limbo.

Unfortunately, that seems to be my lot in life. To be neither here nor there, when the irony is I, to my belief at least, have a strong set of principles and am highly opinionated when it comes to just about anything. Maybe constant failures or up and coming middle age has a way of softening hardened ideals, of taking away the edge. I don't know anymore, the same way I don't know a lot of things anymore.

Maybe I'm maturing. But is maturity synonymous with losing one's passion for people...for ideas...for things, and simply being content with one's fate? Maybe, but that's for another post to explore.

I just hope things resolve themselves soon. And if possible, without any casualties. Besides, I could really use the bonus. :-) That's just an attempt at humor though. I'm not really suggesting that my ideals are for sale. It's not as if they're worth anything in the first place.

tripping hard falling down onto the ground
cause I can't stand up
and I can't fall down
and I'm somewhere in the middle of this

well I find it hard
I always tried to find the sane life
but I don't like the way things are
and I keep falling to my knees
somewhere in the middle of this

- From the song "Somewhere In The Middle" by Dishwalla. One of my favorite songs...from a what seems to be a lifetime ago.

Iron Man 2

2010-05-11T07:11:00.006+08:00

I've been looking forward to seeing this movie for quite a while now, last night I finally got my chance.

It was entertaining and action-packed, but to be honest I felt a bit underwhelmed by it.

Robert Downey Jr., as in the first movie, made a very convincing Tony Stark, no doubt aided by the fact that Downey in real life possesses quite a lot of the traits that the fictional Tony Stark does, particularly a history of alcohol abuse and a certain respect and notoriety among the press and in their respective industries.

The rest of the cast was pretty much standard fare, though Don Cheadle's portrayal of James "Rhodey" Rhodes/War Machine seemed quite lackluster and insubstantial, relying more on action scenes and computer-generated gee-wizardry to capture the interest of the audience. The close friendship between Stark and Rhodes as well as Rhodes' bad-ass personality as portrayed in the comics was barely evident, with Cheadle merely being a man in a armored suit, and hardly anything else.

The villain in the movie, Ivan Vanko (an antagonist only conceived for this movie), as played by Mickey Rourke is your stereotypical evil genius bad guy. Despite being an acclaimed actor, Rourke didn't do much with the role, despite all the external fluff such as the tattoos, gold teeth and the bird, not that he had much to work with as the character seemed to lack depth from the start. Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer is your everyday corporate asshole, much like Ronny Cox's Dick Jones in the first RoboCop.

Scarlett Johansson as Natalie Rushman/Natasha Romanoff was much more impressive, especially in the fight scenes which were quite unconventional, emphasizing her skill, agility and dexterity instead of brute force. To be honest, I would prefer someone with stronger Eastern European features to play the Black Widow. Johansson may actually be a little too pretty for the role, looking like the stereotypical girl next door despite the attempts at corporate power dressing and the leather catsuit.

The Mark II and Mark III armors were all well rendered and convincingly depicted, though it's not that surprising since the first movie was already a very good benchmark as far as computer-generated imagery and props are concerned. As for the special effects and explosions, they were pretty awesome. Let's face it, you'll watch this movie for the effects, and not really for the story or anything else for that matter (except perhaps for Scarlett Johansson in a catsuit). That's all good and fine, as the effects by themselves are already worth the price of a ticket.

The film itself was a lark. It's a bit dumbed down, much like the first (actually it's way dumbed down), when compared to the intricate plots and characters of the comics, but that's to be expected in order to broaden the appeal of the movie to everyone, from young kids to old folks, even to those who haven't picked up a single Iron Man comic book before.

If you don't have high expectations and just expect to be entertained, you'll like this movie. I did. Just don't expect to think much of it after you leave the cinema. I didn't.

Who do I want to win?

2010-05-09T07:02:00.010+08:00

Actually the title of this post should be: "Who will I vote for?", but unfortunately, I'm not going to vote.

I was deactivated. I skipped voting during the 2004 elections, and when I tried to vote in 2007, for some reason I couldn't find my precinct. That's two consecutive elections that I failed to vote, and now I'm deactivated. While I'm in no way suggesting that the right to vote should be taken lightly, unfortunately that's what I did when I neglected to register again. I couldn't be bothered with the hassle I suppose, with all the things that have been going on at the time, and so now, on the historic eve of the Philippines' first automated elections, I'm not voting.

Sheesh...

So, who do I want to win?

I'll be honest, there really isn't a candidate that I believe to be worlds apart from the others. All of them have their strengths, their weaknesses, their respective histories, good or bad. Some of them though, are probably more desirable than others to lead this country. While I don't claim to know everything there is about all of the presidentiables, I do read the newspapers, watch the news on TV and listen to commentaries on radio, so I may have a pulse on who should win, and who shouldn't...maybe. Of course you're free to disagree, because these are just my personal opinions and impressions. Take them with a grain of salt.

Let's turn things around and let me tell you first who I don't want to win.

I don't want Eddie Villanueva to win. His platform is based on change based on truth, change and righteousness. Nothing wrong about that, the thing is, he's a religious leader. He's the founder of the Jesus Is Lord Church. For me, this kinda blurs the Constitutional doctrine of separation of church and state. A good leader should be able to make objective hard and fast decisions, unfettered and unburdened by relative standards of morality and righteousness which vary from one religion to another. I don't want my President to be imposing his moral standards on me, I want him to lead the country, and not worry about my soul. That's my business. Jesus is quoted in the bible as saying: "Then give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's." It simply means that the State, and God, are two different entities. Blur the difference, and, you may very well have a government prone to moral subjectivity instead of a government ruled by the letter of the law.

I don't want Jamby Madrigal to win. Little chance of that happening though. She comes from the upper crust of society. Nothing wrong about that as well, but I want a President who can empathize with the plight of the impoverished masses. How can she do that if she doesn't even know the price of galunggong or itlog na pula? Arguably it's not a big deal I suppose. But still, she should lower herself from her white-bread pedestal, instead of making poor people understand her...because she's rich. And she's always bitching against Manny Villar. Not that I'm a supporter of Manny Villar, because I'm not. I just believe one should exalt one's own achievements when running for public office, and not capitalize on the faults and weaknesses of other candidates.

Speaking of Manny Villar, I don't want him to win either, primarily because of the C5 Extension controversy. However which way you slice it, the C5 extension raised the value of his properties which it passed through. If he had a direct hand in causing the road to pass his properties, he's corrupt. If he claims to be not aware, he's incompetent. If he knew it would pass his properties and did not say a word or inhibit himself, he's unethical. Any of these traits surely make him unfit to be President. Villar also spent upwards of P3B for his campaign. If he sincerely wants to help the people, the P3B could have done wonders for the masses. And he need not run for public office. So apparently he's also ambitious, and a hypocrite. Two no-no's in my book.

Then there's Gilbert Teodoro. He's no doubt one of the smartest of the bunch. Topped the Bar in 1989. Got his Masters from Harvard Law School. His intelligence notwithstanding, I don't like him. Last year he bolted the Nationalist People's Coalition (NPC) which as Congressman he was a member of to cast his name as a contender for the Presidential nomination of Lakas-Kampi. He got the nomination, at the expense of Lakas-Kampi loyalist Bayani Fernando. Rumor is, he got the nomination because Lakas-Kampi was hoping his uncle, Eduardo "Danding" Cojuangco, Jr., Chairman Emeritus and founder of the NPC would bankroll his presidential run. Cojuangco went on to support the candidacy of his other nephew, Noynoy Aquino, instead. While definitely intelligent, he's overly ambitious, and lacks loyalty, abandoning his party of more than ten years to join the administration (which everyone kinda hates) just for a shot at the Presidency. Personally, I consider loyalty to be a very important trait. He doesn't seem to have much of it though.

Then we go to Joseph Estrada. I have two words. EDSA Dos. Filipinos really have a short memory. He already had his shot. Let someone else give it a try.

I have mixed feelings with the following candidates. Any one of them would probably make a good President, but they're not without their flaws.

Take Richard Gordon. He's intelligent, competent, and capable of instituting change, as seen with his achievements with Olongapo City, the Subic Bay Metropolitan Authority (SBMA), the Department of Tourism, and the Philippine National Red Cross. What I don't like about him is his tendency to be arrogant and be a wildcard, which was what he showed before when he defied then President Joseph Estrada's order to vacate the SBMA, and his recent handling of the NBN-ZTE Broadband investigation where he recommended the prosecution of the witnesses and more or less exonerated the Arroyos of any wrongdoing. Still, he has proven himself to be an action man, so I guess I really wouldn't mind if he wins. But he probably won't, and that's a shame.

Then there's Noynoy Aquino. Son of two national icons, Former Senator Benigno "Ninoy" Aquino Jr., and former President Corazon "Cory" Aquino. His sister, celebrity Kris Aquino is an icon as well. Unwillingly thrust into the limelight after Cory Aquino passed away last year. Became the Presidential candidate of the Liberal Party after party President Mar Roxas gave way. Not much in the way of experience or track record though. Not known for his intelligence and charismatic speeches either, though he has the Aquino name to back his candidacy. No stain on his reputation, well maybe except for the Hacienda Luisita controversy, which is considered by some as a highly contentious issue, though some downplay it. Stands for integrity, reform and anti-corruption. He may very well win because he does not merely represent himself or his party, but his parents' legacy as well. Currently on top of most surveys. Is he the best candidate for President? Not necessarily, he's not known for his brains or achievements, but he represents the silent majority's ideals and desire for change and for clean and good governance. If he wins, expectations will be high. Will he be able to deliver? God knows.

And J.C. de los Reyes? Nothing against the guy, his heart is probably in the right place. But winning? I don't think so.

I'll stress that the above comments are just my casual observations and opinions, and are not meant to sway anyone to vote for or against anyone else. What's important is that you exercise your right to vote tomorrow, and remember what's at stake when you cast your ballot.

We should also pray that tomorrow's elections be peaceful, and that the country be spared from senseless bloodshed.

The reason why....

2010-05-08T15:41:00.007+08:00

It's been twice now that I've been asked that question...it's a simple question really: why?

I guess they must be right. There has to be a reason. Maybe just because isn't good enough.

So here I am, in the comfort of my own home, with no one rushing me, thinking...how to articulate my answer. How to find the right words. Because truth be told, yes, there probably is a reason. Maybe I just haven't made sense of it to myself then. I'm not particularly sure if I have gotten it down pat, but here's the best that I can do:

I was never really a happy person from the very start. My childhood was pretty uneventful, with only a few close friends, and not a lot of happy memories. Don't misinterpret me, I didn't say I had a sad or miserable childhood. It just wasn't very happy. It couldn't be helped I guess. I was (and still am) an introvert, so I kept to myself...a loner.

After graduating from college, due to some unforeseen circumstances, I found myself being thrust with the responsibilities of adulthood. I embraced these responsibilities wholeheartedly, albeit perhaps from an immature standpoint. I tried my best, but eventually the entire venture came tumbling down, and I emerged by my lonesome again, heartbroken, disillusioned by the reality that love wasn't enough. I tried again a few years later. By then I now bore the stigma of what I've been through, and I was prejudged because of this. Again, I bore witness to the reality that love wasn't enough.

And then I wandered around. Did some stupid stuff. Regretted it, and it took me a while to forgive myself for that. Wandered a bit some more...went here and there, traveled near and far, still ended up nowhere. After all the experiences I've been through, I'm still by myself, still carrying my old memories, my ideals bearing the tarnish of years of disillusionment and disappointment. I soldier on, almost accepting to myself that this is my fate, that this is as good as it gets. I lock away my pain and frustrations in some far corner of my mind, and continued to live my life and perform all my responsibilities and obligations as a walking, breathing, empty shell, numb to the pain of the outside world by cocooning myself in my own painless, lifeless...joyless void. And it was like this for years.

Then one day, I looked up an old friend...well, more of an acquaintance really, whom to be honest I kinda admired in the past, but never gave much thought to it after. I've gotten used to friends and acquaintances moving up in the world, going on with their lives, going places. I didn't expect this acquaintance to be any different, and I innocently posed a question regarding that. I was surprised to learn that apparently, things didn't work out. On a whim, I asked her out. I could use the company I thought, and maybe, so could she. Besides, it's not as if we're strangers.

One hot and sunny Saturday afternoon, she told me her story, and I told her mine. I can't really explain what went on my head that very moment, but let's just say I came to realize, that I wasn't the only person with a cross to bear. And this person shared a lot of traits with me...traits which I sometimes consider as burdens as I felt they held me back a lot: introversion, idealism, empathy, a fixation on values, loyalty, sensitivity. And while the circumstances were different, we were both familiar...perhaps too familiar...with the distress of being left behind.

Something sparked. For some reason, I couldn't bear to see her sad. Someone who means so well, someone who thinks more of others than herself, someone who's such a good listener, someone who's thoughtful and considerate, someone so staunchly loyal, perhaps even to a fault.

Maybe I saw a bit of the person that I am, though I shudder at the thought. She's an infinitely better person, with her seeming innocence and tendency to see the good in people, always seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, while I'm a cynic, seeing the worst in people, expecting them to eventually let me down, and hardly trusting or relying on any other soul, except for a few.

I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to see her smile. So I asked to see her again. And a few more times after that. Eventually my quest to make her happy gave me a kind of joy...a joy that I haven't felt in years, and I thought, maybe this is what I'm supposed to do.

Past this point, I'm still winging it, playing it by ear. There were some rough patches...blame it on my inexperience, and those times when my spider-sense fails, but at least for now, the skies seem clear.

You'll have to ask her for the ending of the story.

Another one of those days....

2010-05-07T07:44:00.003+08:00

Have you ever had one of those days, the kind of the day you're already expecting to be bad...even though you just woke up?

I think this is going to be one of those days.

Just this morning, an officemate who bought my old clunker of a car, kept calling...several times...on my landline, and on both of my cellphones, while I was taking a dump and taking a shower...when a simple text message will do. Some people don't seem to realize that just because they have my numbers, it doesn't mean they can call me anytime of the day or night.

Besides, I'm really not much of a phone person. Most of my phone calls last only a minute or so, more often than not less. I rely on text messaging more, but even then I don't really use it to text anyone else except my son, or the occasional officemate. Well, at least until a couple months ago. Now I seem to use it a lot. Not that I'm complaining.

Going back...it hasn't really been a good week...but it can't be helped I suppose. It comes with the territory. And then there's today. Today of all days.

Today is my wedding anniversary. Of course I'm no longer married now...but if I still were...it would have been my 16th. It's not that I miss my ex-wife. She's moved on a long time ago and so have I. If there's something I miss, it's probably the feeling of security knowing there's always someone there...because whether I'd care to admit it or not...it's not easy facing all of life's challenges by yourself, and successes don't really seem to be that sweet if there's no one to share them with.

I don't really think of my solitude often...maybe a few times a year...on the usual dates...Christmas, Valentines, my birthday, the entire summer...and that includes my former wedding anniversary. Today.

A couple of friends are inviting me to join them later to attend Noynoy's miting de avance later at the Quezon City Circle. While it may be fun, I don't really like crowds. And with election fever at an all-time high, it may be safer to stay away, you never know what may happen.

Another group of friends are going for a round of drinks. While they're a good bunch, I don't feel like joining them, not right now at least. I don't think I'll make really good company now, especially with a beer in hand, and with all these thoughts in my head.

I don't know. What I really want is to be with...well. But we can't always get what we want, so maybe I'll see Iron Man II if I'm bored. If not, I can always download the latest episode of Naruto Shippuden (it's due out today) and finish the rest of my wine.

I need a drink....

2010-05-06T14:34:00.005+08:00

I was never really much of a drinker even in my youth. My peak was way back in college when I could finish off about only about eight beers max, spread over several hours. Fast forward to the present, and on a good day (night) I can only down around four or so, maybe a bottle an hour.

I usually just drink for the company, for the laughs, the jokes, the stories. On rare occasions though, I just drink for the sake of drinking. I never really did need a reason to drink for the sake of drinking...or maybe I had a reason that I didn't really care to admit to others or to myself. Like now for example. I'm having one of my pseudo-clairvoyant phases, and I'm seeing a vision of my future...not that far off though, only about a week ahead...and I'm not liking what I'm seeing. Seems as good a reason to get a drink as any.

Beer, or for that matter any hard liquor isn't really my thing. While I can appreciate a good cold beer, or a shot of top-shelf liquor as well as the next guy, I never really liked the taste of alcohol. I'm probably more comfortable sipping a glass of Diet Coke...maybe with a hint of lemon or cherry, instead of something alcoholic.

But there has always been this allure...and strange comfort to drinking alcoholic beverages...

Once, I bought a bottle of red wine home on the pretext that red wine contains flavonoids and is good for the heart. "Maganda raw yung ganyan sa puso." I said to my mom, proud over my new-found sense of health-consciousness. After finishing the bottle she asked me "O, nakakatulong ba yung alak?" to which I replied nonchalantly: "Oo...nakakalimutan ko yung mga problema ko." My mom shook her head with a smirk on her lips and left me alone with my empty bottle. I guess I neglected to mention to in order to get the full benefits of the flavonoids, I only have to drink one glass a day...not actually one bottle.

Does alcohol really make you forget your problems? Not really, but alcohol is a known depressant, it can slow down your thinking. For someone like me who thinks constantly...a blank mind can be bliss. That hardly happens at all, except when I'm under medication, which hasn't happened in years, or dead drunk, which hasn't happened in years either. Still, slowing down my thinking is a distinct pleasure in its own right, and actually a good thing to experience on occasion.

Like now.

I used to have a large pool of drinking buds over the years, unfortunately as times change, people change as well, so nowadays I end up drinking by my lonesome. Some of my former drinking buds have gravitated to drinking in girlie joints with naked nymphs gyrating to some techno-trance-like tunes, or some passe' 80s pop song or power ballad. I kinda grew tired of girlie joints, as they were never really my thing, so I stopped going. Other former drinking buds drank hard and fast in their prime, and by now have quit due to health concerns...or a missing gallbladder. Some have migrated abroad, probably for good, and some...I just lost contact with some.

Now, my idea of having a drink is finishing a bottle of red wine while watching an anime', a documentary, or a TV show on my PC. A far cry from several years ago, when almost every week I painted the town red with my buds.

Do I miss the fast life? Not really. I could never keep up. If I did keep up, I could have burned out by now with a myriad of maladies tucked under my belt. Thankfully, I know my limits, and I have never exceeded them...not by much anyways.

Maybe I'll have that drink later. I still have quite a number of bottles of red wine bought last Christmas that were never consumed. Not that I expect to find the solutions to my problems at the bottom of an empty wine glass mind you...but maybe the temporary nirvana of an unfettered mind can help give me a better perspective of this rut I keep finding myself in.

And its a good remedy for insomnia.

Flummoxed....

2010-05-06T06:46:00.004+08:00

I've always thought that I had a relatively good eye when it came to reading people, to sizing them up, figuring out their intentions, gauging their reactions to stuff. On certain occasions though, I find myself flummoxed by some individuals whom I can't seem to read at all, no matter how hard I try. I either get no signals, or pick up mixed signals that I can't seem to interpret.

That's all well and good, since that happens to all of us at one time or another...that's why even as an intelligent specie we still get into fights...and nations get into wars.

From my end, it all seems bittersweet. Bittersweet because it involves someone I deeply care about, and at this juncture, it would seem that there is hardly any room for error. Any small mistake could cost me the race...and apparently I committed a big one. A really big one.

I honestly didn't think I'd get the reaction I did. If I did then I wouldn't have done the thing I did. But it happened, and the damage, to my chagrin, has been done...and it seems pretty devastating. I wish I can undo the damage, but alas, what's done is done, and if apologies can't make things better, than nothing probably will anymore.

I really feel bad about this. What transpired only brought my worst fears to bear, that despite my efforts...I'm really just one of the guys, or worse, someone less. People can't make up reactions like that...it's genuine...and therefore I'm sunk.

My chest feels tight, I find it hard to breathe, to relax. I've had an anxiety attack for what seems to be hours, and I'm trying to cope as best I could. It's just hard to accept the truth that...well...I am who I am, and the person I am is nowhere near the situation I'd like to be, in fact I'm probably farther off if I never embarked on this endeavor.

Despite everything, I'm still the pathetic, solitary soul I was at the start. Sometimes I ask myself why this is my lot in life, to exist in solitude for what seems to be the longest time, when I have a lot to contribute.

Maybe this is my destiny. Maybe I'm fated to be this way. For happiness to be always within sight...but never within reach.

If that were indeed the case, I wish reincarnation was true.

Next life please.

This mortal coil....

2010-05-05T07:28:00.007+08:00

About a week ago I learned that a colleague's sister succumbed after a long battle with cancer. She doesn't read this blog, but nonetheless I'll extend my condolences to her here. I've been fortunate enough not to have lost a loved one before...I can only imagine her pain and sadness, which, no doubt, has to be great.

My prayers and condolences to her and her family.

Whenever someone, or a relative of someone I know dies...I can't help but think about my own mortality...or the mortality of those around me.

When I was much younger...say in high school...I was so obsessed with the subject that I amassed a number of books discussing the prospect of life after death from a scientific perspective. At the time, I suppose, my faith wasn't enough. I couldn't bear to believe that this material world is all there is to existence, that there is nothing after we expire, that our ancestors and loved ones who have predeceased us live only in our memories and are not waiting to be reunited we us when we finally get to cross over.

Several years after...while I'm no longer that obsessed with the subject...still, it crosses my mind from time to time...like now.

Nowadays, scientific explanations abound explaining so-called "near-death experiences". Everything from out-of-body experiences, to the tunnel of light, to literally seeing your life flash before your eyes, to seeing departed loved ones, or being greeted by a religious figure...has been attributed by science to a brain misfiring from lack of oxygen. The feelings of bliss and calmness attendant to the near-death experience has been attributed to the release of endorphins by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus. Near-death experiences have been thoroughly studied and documented that they can even be induced by deliberately causing hypoxia or by G-forces in a centrifuge.

The bottom line is...science has defined near-death experiences into nothing more than physiological reactions of the human body to the stress of dying. This doesn't really sit well with anyone hoping that there is more to life than this mortal coil.

In my later years, say in college, I turned to religion in my attempt to find the answers I was looking for. I've had lively discussions and there were even some attempts to recruit me by seminarians, Born-again Christians, some INCs, even had a brief stint with Opus Dei, way before it was popularized in popular literature by Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code. None of them really succeeded in giving me a different perspective from what I already knew.

By the time I was taking up my post-graduate studies, I was more into philosophy, particularly along the lines of realism, rationalism, pragmatism, existentialism, humanism, deism versus atheism. To be honest, while a casual study of such subjects can be quite enlightening, I still never found the answers I sought. Eventually, I reverted to my roots...that of being a Catholic.

I guess I've realized that maybe, just maybe, the answers to the questions I'm looking for don't really exist, or are not meant for comprehension by the finite mind. I went full circle, and opted to just have faith. Still, my faith must not be that great...as there are still times that I fear death. Not it's physical aspect mind you...just the concept that after we die, there may be nothing else.

These are all probably nothing but abstract concepts. I mean, we have our own problems with life itself, mundane things like our jobs, bills to pay, children to send to school, and the like, and most of us probably couldn't be bothered to think of what happens after.

I don't know how to end this entry...simply because I don't know the answer to my question. There are times, I admit, that I consider the possibility that maybe...there really is nothing out there...but I can't help but be depressed with that prospect. Surely our consciousness must transcend our physical existence somehow, if only because to think otherwise would reinforce the nihilistic idea that at the end of the day, we are all insignificant, that we are all just made of stardust.

I can't just accept that.

Whatever. I have to get back to work. Maybe I'll blog about this again.

Ghost fighter....

2010-05-04T05:17:00.006+08:00

It would seem that I have been posting entries on my blog more than usual. This typically happens when I have a lot of things on my mind. I'm really not one who likes talking about my thoughts with other people, so blogging is my way of venting, of getting things off my chest.

This actually puts me in a disadvantage so to speak, as this blog invariably ends up as a window to my thoughts, thoughts that I hardly share with anyone else. No one I know actually reads this stuff though, except for maybe a handful, and that includes one particularly curious individual, whom I...well...you know. Not that I mind though, for a moment it just felt...weird, being this transparent and all, but I'm past that now.

Besides I've been posting my thoughts on this blog for almost six years now, and I'm not about to stop.

It's hard competing with a ghost. I've never been in this situation before, and I never realized how difficult competing with a ghost can be. There's nothing much I can do about it, except go about the way I usually go about...to just be there...give my assurances...and hope for the best. There are times though, that I think it isn't enough. Question is, what else can I do?

In a way I understand. It was never easy for me either to get past over some previous episodes in my life. I was able to cope by simply convincing myself that everything that happened happened for a reason, that I am better off, that I don't deserve someone that weak in spirit and resolve, and that it's sometimes better to quit while you're ahead, before more mistakes are committed in the future. To be honest it didn't work all the time though...the heart wants what the heart wants, the consequences be damned. The heart is not totally unreasonable though...if the mind softly urges it to let go, it does eventually, but like everything else, it takes time.

In the meantime though, I still have to compete with ghosts...some abstract amalgamation of past memories and unrealized future expectations buried deep inside one's head. Not that I'm deterred or discouraged of course...as if I would give up just like that...but still...it's a bit hard being compared to an ideal...an ideal that for all intents and purposes hardly exists anymore...at least, as far as I know. That's because I'd fall short. Every time. No one wins against an ideal. That's why they're called ideals.

One thing I realized in my years is that letting go of something...or someone...actually starts the moment you decide to really let go. There are some of us...me included...who are quick to say that we have decided to move on when in truth and in fact we are still holding on, either due to some misplaced sense of loyalty or the faint hope that things will reverse themselves, or that this is all a dream...a nightmare actually...and we still haven't woken up. We fantasize about the other party coming back to us, begging us for forgiveness, promising never to leave our side again, sins, flaws and defects be damned. Ugh. These feelings aren't actually good for us...but we all succumb to then one time or another. Eventually these, like everything else good or bad, fades away, and we indeed move on. But despite this, we never really get to forget. We get on with our lives, but we're never really the same persons we were before. It's a bummer I know, but that's just how things are.

Competing with ghosts can mean getting taken for granted in a way sometimes...simply because you're there...and the ideal isn't. Human nature seems to have this way of concerning itself over things that don't exist over things that do. God knows I do that sometimes...actually I do that a lot, always looking at the glass half-empty and never half-full.

I never did like the feeling of being taken for granted though. It makes me feel unwanted and unimportant. But then again, it's not as if I'm in a position to claim that I was ever wanted or important, so I guess this comes with the territory. To put it another way, I haven't been demoted, nor should I even complain about being demoted, if for no other reason than the fact I've never actually been promoted in the first place.

I hope things will normalize soon. Then again, I really have no idea what "normal" means, so let's just see what happens. This is hard. But I'm in this for the long run, so I'll just keep rolling with the punches, and hope that good things come to those who wait.

Out of the loop....

2010-05-03T19:23:00.004+08:00

I don't really like being out of the loop. It's not that I need to know everything, because I don't. Sometimes, you just can't help but worry, especially if the person concerned is someone you care about.

Aside from worrying about whatever situation it is that's troubling that person, sometimes you can't help but think of all sorts of reasons why you're being shut out. Of course, that may not necessarily be the case, but still...the fact is you're in the dark, you don't know what the problem is, and no one is telling you.

I'm not making a big deal out of this. I don't want to do that anymore. Making a mountain out of a molehill involves a lot of aggravation and frustration, not just on my part, but on the other person as well, and I would like to save myself as well as that other person from that bother if I could.

It's still hard though. Not knowing.

If you're paranoid like me, sometimes you can't help but think of worst case scenarios. People tell me I'm too negative, or too pessimistic, but for some morbid or masochistic reason I prefer to prepare for the worst. I don't like terrible things happening, but what's worse than terrible things happening, is being caught flat-footed by those terrible things.

And the worst case scenario for me is...well...I don't really want to discuss it here. Suffice it to say that I've considered the possibility, and I dread the day that it happens. Will it happen? I don't know. The possibility is not zero though. In fact it could a lot higher than zero. It may even be a certainty that I just don't want to admit to myself. Whatever, what will be will be. I'm going overboard though, jumping to worst case scenarios like that. It could be something benign. I just don't know...and that's the annoying bit. Just not knowing.

I'm really not used to worrying about another person. It's been so long since I last experienced this. But I guess that's inevitable if you're really concerned over that other person.

Well, all I can do is just hope for the best. For now, it's not as if I can do anything else...

Non Sequitur

2010-05-03T15:04:00.007+08:00

Several years ago, when I was having some problems with this girl I knew, a law school bud said something which has remained in my head up to this very day. It was nothing profound or melodramatic or anything like that. Matter-of-factly he just said: "Pag nakakaintindi ka na ng babae, babae ka na din." Loosely translated into English, it means "When you start understanding women, you've turned into one yourself."

It was a simple statement, yet so true...well, at least in my case. I can never, ever, seem to figure out women, especially within the context of romantic relationships, or in the attempt to establish one. I can never really decipher when you're supposed to take what they say literally or when to take what they're saying with a grain of salt. I often get confused whether they actually mean what they say, or if they're just saying. Worse is when it comes to interpreting the things that they do.

Men for the most part are linear thinkers. When we do X something, it's because we want to achieve Y result. That's all there is to it. As far as women are concerned, it can drive you nuts figuring out why they do something, and most of the time what they want and what they're doing hardly bear any relation to each other. In other words, non sequitur. Or at least, that's how it looks like.

I would like to say that I don't give a rat's ass why women think the way they do, but alas, if you want to get close to one, you have to at least try and decipher the code that all women understand but men can hardly figure out. Unfortunately, my attempts seem to have been less than successful somewhat, and most of time I find myself backtracking from my initial course of action whenever I realize I made a mistake.

This is one of my favorite (or should I say, least favorite) paradoxes when it comes to courtship: it's how much attention you should give them. If you pay them too much attention, it turns them off and drives them away. If you pay them too little attention, they either think you're no longer interested in them, and distance themselves, or they get upset, and reciprocate your seeming lack of interest with lack of interest on their part as well. Either way, you don't really get anywhere. So the question remains, how much attention should you give them? Unless you know the exact amount of attention you should give them, it's damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'd like to say that I have already come up with a formula for this conundrum, but it would seem that figuring out the Grand Unified Theory would probably be a lot easier than understanding women.

Another interesting contradiction in terms is the fact that if a woman asks you to do something, it does not necessarily mean that it's the right thing to do, especially when you're concerned. For example, if the woman insists you drop her off some place or some ways from her house instead of taking her to her doorstep, for some reason the parents either think you're rude or have less-than-honorable intentions because you won't show your face to them. If the woman tells you she isn't hungry and would rather just have dinner at her home and you oblige, her parents either think you're a cheapskate who thinks their daughter is not worth spending money on, or that you're an indigent who can't even afford to buy their daughter dinner. If by some coincidence you and the object of your ardor work in the same place or at least have workplaces in close proximity of each other, if you don't fetch her or take her home you're labeled by the parents as an insensitive schmuck who doesn't give a crap if they're daughter is having a hard time getting a ride to or from work. Again, it's damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

I'd like to say that I was making the stuff up in the preceding paragraph, but I'm not. In fact it has probably happened to me a number of times now.

Well, to be honest, I've never entertained any illusions that I'd be able to break the code. But I really would like to get it right at least some of the time. It would really make what I'm doing right now a lot easier. But I guess even if I didn't understand women, that probably wouldn't stop me from from trying. Since it's damned if you do, and damned if you don't, I really don't have anything to lose don't I?

Yet, I could still have everything to gain.

In the long run, I guess it doesn't really matter if I understand women or not. What's important is whether or not my heart is in the right place.

Dictum Meum Pactum

2010-04-30T11:29:00.007+08:00

- "My word is my bond."

What would you do if you had knowledge of a certain thing that's bound to adversely affect someone you know, but you gave your word that you wouldn't say anything? What if that someone was a friend? A close friend? A former close friend with whom you had a falling out? How about someone you don't even know? Does it really matter how close you are to the person?

Without realizing it, I suddenly find myself in this situation. Yes, I gave my word, and hell would freeze over before I would even consider breaking it...but still, if you're in a postion to help someone from imminent disaster, would you break your word for that?

My word means everything to me. My word is my bond. I do not take promises lightly. As a result, before I give my word or promise anything I think it through several times just to make sure that I myself understand the consequences of my actions. It has never happened yet that I broke my word...and I'm not looking forward to it happening soon. It does, however, makes me pause and think: what would it actually take for me to break my word? Would I break my word if it would involve saving someone from an undesirable fate?

I don't know. I haven't been in that situation before, but I think I am now.

I don't think I'll be able to betray anyone's trust just like that. I think I'll try to ask permission first from the one who shared the information with me before I do anything. If I don't get permission, then I probably won't just say a word. It's really hard sometimes to weigh one's personal convictions with events in the real world, but that's just how it is sometimes.

Let's just see what happens first. For all I know, it may already be too late. If there's something that I can do to help, I'll try to my best to do it, without necessarily betraying anyone's confidence. I just hope things turn out for the best...for everyone concerned, whether I play a role or not.

Moral dilemmas were never my cup of (red) tea.

Love Sonnet XVII

2010-04-29T06:45:00.001+08:00

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

- Pablo Neruda

For Lynae.

Reverie

2010-04-27T15:21:00.004+08:00

I sat and think of you
releasing my mind and letting it go,
to the farthest ends of thought,
to where my mind can reach you
to where my heart can love you
to where my arms can hold you,
endlessly...
to the farthest reach of dreams
I'll hold you,
to the deepest depths of my heart
I will love you,
till reality finds me
I'll be thinking of you.

- Lynae

Trilemma....

2010-04-27T07:49:00.001+08:00

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then He is not omnipotent.
Is He able, but not willing?
Then He is malevolent.
Is He both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is He neither able nor willing?
Then why call Him God?

- Epicurus

The Kid and the Principal

2010-04-26T17:49:00.002+08:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam is having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?" Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he has to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal look at Ms. Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade." Ms. Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Ms. Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Ms. Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."

Ms. Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Ms. Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms. Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Ms. Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.

Ms. Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Ms. Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms. Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Ms. Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use your hand.

Boy: Fork

Ms. Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's own longer than some men or the others,
the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy: SURNAME

Ms. Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?

Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

I hate summer....

2010-04-25T06:03:00.003+08:00

I hate summer.

I hate it so much. I hate the heat, those humid windless days, the bright sun, all the free time with nothing to do but have myself as company.

And to be perfectly honest, I really don't enjoy being with myself.

I hate the memories of summer.

I never really enjoyed summer even as a kid. We never really did go out on summer holidays even when I was little. I never really got to know my neighbors' kids so I just stayed at home and watched TV (all five channels of it at the time), read my Choose Your Own Adventure books or just played with my Legos. Yes, there were some outings...but these were pretty rare and far in-between.

My parents loved me, like all parents loved their children, though as a kid they never really doted on me during my idle times, and I don't remember talking with them or doing anything much with them. My dad used to play scrabble with me when I was much younger, say seven or eight, though it didn't carry on when I got a bit older. So summers were invariably a time of solitude. Just me, myself, TV, and my books and toys.

I was too little to get out of the house on my own when I was in elementary school. Even if I did, at the time there were hardly any fast food joints or malls, so summers where mostly times where I did the usual...watched TV, read books, played with my toys, or just thought.

When I was in high school I never really formed any tight bonds with my classmates, so I never had a reason to go out during the summer.

My first girlfriend broke up with me on a summer. She did that by mail since she was already back home in a province to the north. This was a time before cellphones, before SMS, before email, before chat, and, needless to say, it sucked. Though it didn't start out at such, it eventually became a long-distance relationship. I'm not having one of those again.

Later on I got married, but it didn't work out. It ended on a hot, balmy summer day. A year after a petition for annulment was filed. It was another summer. Trips to the psychiatrist and a bunch of hearings, most of them during the summer.

For three different summers I spend most of my time alone just reading and studying, preparing for the Bar exams. It was on three other summers that the results were released, and no, I didn't make it.

When I already had a kid, summer for me was no different. My son would almost always go on long trips with his mother during summer, and again, I often find myself alone at home. At the time, if I wasn't studying or preparing for the Bar exams, there was already cable and video games so it really wasn't as boring as it used to be when I was a kid, but still...most of the time it was just me, and myself.

Now it's another summer. And it's just as bad...maybe even worse than my usual summers. A good summer for me is a summer where nothing bad happens. During the last month, two negative things have already happened. Summer strikes again.

I guess it's not summer's fault, but I really hate the memories I have of summer. Mostly they're memories of solitude, nothingness, pain, disappointment, frustration...and the trend doesn't seem to have changed, even to the present.

I wish summer would end.

Paradise lost....

2010-04-24T07:33:00.009+08:00

Several years ago, when I just graduated from college, I thought I had a pretty good picture of where I would be in the future. It was nothing fancy, just basic expectations. I saw myself practicing the profession I aspired to at the time, married to a loving and caring wife, a few kids, financially comfortable but not necessarily wealthy. This was the paradise that I sought to be in then.

Several years down the line, it can be surprising and disappointing to realize that even such basic expectations would prove quite difficult to achieve.

It's not to say that my current lot in life is dismal. It's pretty okay, though some pieces seem to be missing here and there. Since my failed marriage about eleven years ago and its subsequent annulment, I have remained single. I have a teenage son who shuttles back and forth between his mother and me. While I have not succeeded in entering the profession I so wanted to be a part of in the past, I'm gainfully employed. I may not enjoy my job, but it is relatively financially rewarding, and as a result I have saved a little something for a rainy day, paid off most of my debts, and amassed some personal belongings through the years, though nothing of the expensive sort. I have a lot of friends, but very few close ones, and the number of close ones are even diminishing because I have this habit of falling out of friendships, preferring to be by my lonesome.

But it's weird. I'm not a saint, far from it actually, as I have done my share of indiscretions through the years. Nonetheless, I have lived my life always concerned about being honest, a job well done, doing the right thing, being loyal, keeping my word and being fearful of God's retribution should I stray from the path (or karma, if you will).

To be completely honest about it...it doesn't seem to have helped any. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating dishonesty, mucking about your work, doing the wrong things, disloyalty or breaking your word. In my case at least, it would seem that I haven't gotten much mileage from my own personal philosophies.

Take the past month for example. About a month ago I learned that I failed again in the bar exams. It's not that I slacked off. In fact, I felt that I was very prepared. I have read and understood virtually everything there is to read on the subject, and then some. In a strange twist of fate, despite my preparations, I found myself grasping at straws for answers during the exams itself, which were even more difficult than projected by most. This led to an overall examination with one of the lowest passing rates in recent years. Needless to say, I was among the casualties. I guess I'm just not as intelligent as I would like to think I am.

A month after that, the girl I was wooing for about six weeks or so finally decided let me go. This was the first time in almost ten years that I actually felt this strong about someone else, so I gave it a go. I tried to do everything I was supposed to do, I was honest and frank, I was communicative, I tried to be helpful, caring and considerate. In the end she decided she was probably better off without me. Not that I'm claiming to be God's gift to women, mind you. I only have average looks, I'm slightly (!) overweight, I'm not wealthy, and I have my own share of character flaws. I do know though, that I'm sincere about the way I feel and I take responsibility for the things I do. Unfortunately, this didn't seem to be enough, well, at least for her. She said she wasn't ready, but that really doesn't help my case any. I guess I may have been more of a burden that I thought I was, since I realize I do have that tendency, but what's done is done. I'd like to say that I'm over it now, but I probably won't be, at least for the foreseeable future. What can I say? I was never really good with women.

Two failures in a span of a month. Sometimes I ask myself just how much of this I can take, when all I want to do is to do the right thing.

Several years have now passed from the time I first thought of what I would be in the future. The future has arrived...and sadly, I don't seem to be anywhere near that vision of personal paradise.

I don't want to give up on life, and indeed there are a lot of things that make life worth living. I'm just disappointed that my best efforts have more often than not proven insufficient to get me out of this rut that I have been in for the longest time. Everyone is going somewhere, everyone is getting somewhere, but me? I'm still here, a relic of perhaps some misplaced idealism that really hasn't gotten me anywhere.

I won't stop trying to find my place under the sun, I've promised that to myself a long time ago, and I'll keep that promise until the day I die. I guess it just can't be helped if the search is very tiring...at times painful...or if it leads to dead ends.

Quaere Verum

2010-04-22T21:25:00.001+08:00

Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.

- Andre Gide

The Four Cats

2010-04-22T07:57:00.002+08:00

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an engineer,
The second man was an accountant,
The third man was a chemist, and
The fourth man was a government employee.

To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The government employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet...

ate the cookies...

drank the milk...

crapped on the paper...

screwed the other three cats...

claimed he injured his back while doing so...

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

put in for Workers Compensation...

and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!

If you love someone....

2010-04-17T15:20:00.006+08:00

...set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

- Richard Bach

Of all the quotes about love that I have heard or read about, this particular quote is the one that I can relate to the most, striking a chord within my very being with its seeming poignancy and profound sense of irony.

set them free...

As if love was some form of cage...a prison from where one seeks deliverance from, like a curse of some sort, instead of the positive emotion of affection and devotion that it is supposed to be. And yet, it fits. Perfectly.

To be free from the bonds of love not shared or reciprocated...is a release sought by both giver and receiver of the emotion...probably more if you're the receiver.

To an individual who has not been tempered by years of experience, this quote is nothing if not counter-intuitive, contrary to the very passions of youth exalted in movies and books, encouraging one to fight for the one he or she loves. Such an ideal is admirable to be sure, but for the rest of us above, say the age of...30, life has shown that love is not often something one can literally fight for. Just the contrary, it may very well one the things that may need to be abandoned in the pursuit of other endeavors which one may consider more important...career, wealth, ambition, etc.

Personally I don't really believe that...and yet, in my relatively short period of existence, I have lived by this quote more often that I would care to. Whether one sets another free because of some ideal, or for something more pragmatic is a matter of opinion, depending on the person and his or her understanding of the circumstances...but no matter how complicated we try to interpret this saying...in the end its very simplicity is the one which enthralls us to its meaningful concept of love and sacrifice.

Most of us...though we may dare not admit it...are sentimental romantics.

And perhaps, we are drawn to the notion that giving up the one we love imbues us with a sense of satisfaction...that we are in control, that we are setting the terms, that we are willing to sacrifice our personal desires for the one we love most.

And that is indeed the case...if we are really sincere in our feelings for the other person.

It is not at all a pleasant prospect...the concept of releasing someone we adore if only to prove our love for them, and yet, it seems to happen all the time.

It is not at all easy to do, and is something one only considers when there are no other options. While it can be very satisfying, it leaves one with a very deep emotional burden, the knowledge that he or she was the one who actually let go. And sometimes, the burden can be heavier...much heavier than expected.

At the end of the day, despite all the rationalizations, despite the justifications, sometimes setting someone you love free is inevitable, and the prospect of losing someone we truly love, despite the pain associated with it, is just something that has to be done.

Of course there is light at the end of the tunnel. They may come back. Then again, they may not. As the saying goes though, if they don't, they never were. [yours to begin with]. And there is probably no point in feeling morose over losing someone who was never yours from the start.

That's all irrelevant though, if one is truly sincere with his or her feelings. What's important is that one is true to himself or herself...and to never miss the opportunity of sharing how one really feels to the person he or she adores.

Sometimes...that's all one can hope to do.

Your Appointed Time

2010-04-14T17:18:00.000+08:00

God has an appointed time to fulfill the visions, dreams, and desires in your heart. Just because it has taken a long time or because you've tried and failed doesn't mean it's not going to happen. Don't give up on those dreams! Don't be complacent about pursuing what God has placed in your heart. Our God is a faithful God. No matter how long it's been, no matter how impossible things look, if you'll stay in faith, your set time is coming.

Remember, every dream that's in your heart, every promise that has taken root, God put it there. Not only that, but He has every intention of bringing it to pass. Hold on to that vision today. Declare by faith, "My time is coming. God is working behind the scenes on my behalf. I will fulfill my destiny!" As you continue to hold on to that vision and speak life over your dreams, it won't be long before you see them begin to take shape. You'll see your faith grow, you'll see your hope strengthen, and you'll see yourself step into the destiny God has prepared for you!

Txtspk....

2010-04-11T08:05:00.003+08:00

Dont u just h8 txtspk? Txtspk 1st came abt as a mins 2 abbrevi8 words wyl txting so as 2 make txting fastr and mor eficient. Un42n8ly, ppl now use txtspk vir2aly evrywer, from 4ums, 2 FB posts, 2 twiter, chatrums, and even evryday comunicatns. Frankly, i find it very anoying. Nowadays, 1 can get away w/out lerning 2 spel bec hardly any1 boders 2 spel korekly anymor. I tink its a bad influens on kids 2day, sins dey trit txtspk as a norml mode of comunicatn, at d expens of korek speling and gramar.

Jus dis morning wyl drivng i was lstning 2 dis radio jok complain abt a lot of der listnrs using txtspk 4 der gritings and msgs, and she cud hardly undrstnd d msgs she was rcving.

Der r tyms wer it is aceptbl to cut cornrs. Howvr, propr comunicatn shud not b among dem. Kids hu gru up w/ txtspk may rgue dat as long as u r undrstud its ok, and deyd b rite. D ting is, not evry1 can undrstnd txtspk. Im not dat old, and was among d 1st 2 use txting as a mins of comunic8tn wen it 1st came out in d 90s, but i stil hav sum dificlty undrstndng sum msgs, specialy w/ sum hrdcore txtrs hu even rely on aLtErNaTiNg SmAl aNd CaPiTl LtRs JuZ 2 mAkE dEr MeSaGeS cUtR. dIs iS gIvInG mE a HeDaKe. NoRmAl TxTsPk WiL hAv 2 Do Fr HeRoN.

I hav nuthin agenst txtspk, I use it myself as wel 2 spd up txting. Howevr, txtspk shud just be usd for txting. Use it 4 anyting els and it bcums mor trobl dan its wort. And der I say, its downrt rude espcialy if ur not sur if d oder persn undrstnds u or not. It makes u apir inconsidr8.

Dats enuf of dis. I nid 2 take an asprin.

Tennyson was a moron....

2010-04-10T19:34:00.006+08:00

I just came to a realization. Well, not really a realization, since I've known it from the start. One of the main reasons why I blog is because for the most part, I really don't have anyone to talk to. Actually, I guess there a few friends here and there that I can talk to, but I'd rather not. I often prefer to keep my thoughts to myself, and blogging is a good outlet for me. I'm not really comfortable baring my thoughts and feelings to even my closest friends, I just don't want to show my vulnerabilities to anyone.

Like now.

I'm feeling a bit vulnerable now, and I don't think I'd want anyone I know to know that. So what is it that has been bugging me? Let's see...so how do I put it...

Despite the cool exterior that I project to most everyone I know, in truth and in fact, on the inside I'm actually a wreck. I'm a very emotional person, much too emotional for my own good, and try as I might, I can't control the way that I feel about things, about situations...about other people.

There are times...very rare times, that I go out on a limb to express my true feelings, and it is at these times that I feel most vulnerable...like a soldier walking the streets of Iraq without even a helmet. And what makes it worse is the fact that what I feel is not shared by other people.

I try my best to read the signs, to come up with an objective assessment of the situation at hand, but sometimes, despite seeing signs which clearly oppose the direction I want to go to, I still proceed, maybe sometimes with the faint hope that I may make it to my destination somehow. Most of the time though, I don't, and this may very well be one of those situations.

I admit it. Emotionally, I'm weak. I tend to depend on other things or other people for emotional support. That's why I often detach myself from other people, other situations. I absolutely abhor being put in a position that I have to be emotionally dependent on something or someone else, because if I don't get that support, despite my best efforts, deep inside, I crumble like a cookie. For years, the only way I've dealt with this weakness of mine is by avoiding being dependent on other people, by keeping to myself. Sometimes I do take risks. Sometimes the risk pays off. Mostly though...like now I suppose...the risk doesn't.

I just don't deal well with failure. Strangely enough, failure has hounded me for most of my life. I have failed in a lot of things, and the list keeps on growing. What's ironic is that deep down, beneath the cynical exterior, I'm an idealist. I believe that what you sow is what you reap, I believe in karma, good or bad, I believe in the power of the truth. Sadly, the real world is much, much more complicated than that. And though I have known that from the very start, I persist in my optimistic views...only to tumble down, like being shot by a sniper, I never see it coming.

Now here I am again. Faced with all the facts that I have gathered, the objective response is to withdraw. I continue to fight, and I am obviously losing. Maybe I should cut my losses and pull back. Maybe I have already lost, but I'm too stubborn to admit it. Maybe I'm not even losing, but like a bullet wound it still hurts like hell. To be honest, I can't even seem to tell the difference anymore.

I'll probably be laying low now. For the life of me, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes, I get this feeling that I know what I'm doing, then suddenly I don't. I really, really don't.

I'll be alright I guess. I always end up okay. Battered, bruised and scarred, but otherwise unscathed. Who am I kidding?

Alfred Lord Tennyson in his poem In Memoriam A.H.H. said: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Tennyson was a moron. Maybe I don't really mean that, but for now, I do. I like this quote from Otomo No Yakamochi better: Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.

And with that, and a heavy heart, I soldier on. Helmet or no helmet.

Laundry day....

2010-04-10T06:31:00.010+08:00

It's that time of the week again. Every Saturday morning, I find myself performing the mundane task of separating my coloreds from my whites, plugging in the washing machine, and listening to the soft hum of its motor as it goes about its task of ridding my clothes of the past week's filth.

*sigh*

If there was only a washing machine for the soul, I would have bought one in a heartbeat.

For some strange reason, most of the people who know me don't really think of me as the type who "does laundry". Maybe they think of me as some prince with a staff of servants at my beck and call, to whom I can direct the rather unglamorous task of washing my clothes. It's weird I guess, since I'm not sure where they got the idea. It's not that I'm filthy rich, far from it really, though they hit the filthy part spot on.

I have to admit I'm really not the type of person one would associate with performing household chores, and yet, I do some, if only because of paranoia or some deep-seated fear of being idle, which often results in my consciousness coming up will all sorts of weird thoughts and ideas.

For better or for worse, I'm what I can describe as a thinker, though it's a stretch for myself to be considered an intellectual. I hardly stop thinking, which tends to be a pain in the butt, as it makes just lazing about and bumming around a headache as being idle turns into a mental exercise of needless discernment regarding things which for the most part, are irrelevant.

Strangely enough I guess, the only times when my mind turns a blank are those times when I find myself doing mundane housework...such as washing the car, doing laundry, scrubbing my toilet, and so on and so forth. Who would have guessed that such domestic tasks disdained by many would be considered a refuge by some from pointless cognition. Suffice it to say, a blank mind is a simple pleasure that I often yearn for, which I don't often get.

Am I mentally ill? Who am I to say...perhaps I am. In fact it was less than a decade ago that I was actually prescribed a downer/anxiolytic/depressant to slow down my hyperactive brain. Rivotril I believe it was, otherwise known by the generic term Clonazepam. It was only recently that I was made aware that it's also an anticonvulsant according to a "friend".

Wait a minute, I have to switch to the rinse cycle.

Okay, I'm back.

I took the drug for a couple of months or so. At the time I was so amazed that a very small pill could actually do that to my brain. For all intents and purposes, it turned my brain "off" so to speak. A blank slate devoid of any conflict, anxieties, worries or concerns. It was bliss. Or well it was, until I was told to quit it.

Since then I've never had anxiety attacks as bad as before, though I still tend to think a lot, something that I probably can't change since that is who I am.

Going back to laundry, while some people tend to find inner peace by listening to sound of the waves crashing over the rocks on a deserted seashore, the sound of the wind blowing past with the cry of gulls as they fly overhead, I find my inner peace in more everyday places...a washing machine for one...the soft whir of its motor as it agitates the water back and forth for me is like a heartbeat...and the splashes remind me of some mysterious, dark, turbulent sea...

In the few minutes constituting a single cycle, I forget my past failures...my unsuccessful attempts at career advancement...the girl who sometimes won't even give me the time of day...the debts that I have to pay...and for the brief amount of time...it's Nirvana.

And doing laundry is a hell of a lot cheaper (and more legal) then taking prohibited drugs.

That's it for today. I have to switch cycles again.

How do you reinvent yourself?

2010-04-04T14:18:00.004+08:00

So just how does one go about reinventing one's self? I've been too preoccupied pursuing a solitary goal or fearing forging ahead with the burden of past memories that I haven't really given much thought to doing anything else, or starting something new. Not that it has been easy pursuing a dream or starting fresh, but with recent events, I see now that I have no choice.

Either move on and go forward, or be trapped in things that have come to pass, and can never be changed.

With regard to one particular aspect, I have been forging ahead in a direction I have last taken almost a decade ago. To be honest I no longer am familiar with the rules of the game, nor am I familiar on how to go about it. The only thing I do know is to rely on the truth. Unfortunately relying on the truth is not always easy, nor is it guaranteed that success will soon follow, but at least it's a start. I have been wandering aimlessly for several years now, trying to get a grip on who and what I am, only to fall flat on the answers I have long sought after. Perhaps the answer is not within my head...but somewhere out there, and it is with this premise that I am attempting to forge a new path.

If you're one of the, I don't know, one or two people who read my blog...well to be honest, probably no one does anyway...I wish I can give specifics. But on occasion some wayward person I know does end up reading my entries, only to jump to the wrong conclusions.

Suffice it to say that what I've chosen to do is not without its risks, but sometimes you have to take chances to get to where you want to go. I've jumped from the precipice I have long stood alone on, and where I land, only time will tell. For once, maybe the truth and good intentions will take me to a better place. I can only hope for the best and hope that I get through to...well.

As for my other dream, I don't know just yet what to do now. It would be a relief to just pack it all up and move on to something else, and that in fact is what I want to do. At the back of my mind though, there is still this voice telling me to keep trying. Annoying little voice really. It has been hounding me for about sixteen years now.

Which leads me back to the question I started this entry with. So just how do I go about reinventing myself, while remaining true to the person that I am? I wish I knew. Maybe sooner or later it will come to me. Maybe miracles still do happen. I may find myself on the path I want to be in with hardly any effort, but that's not bound to happen anytime soon. While I still believe in miracles, I find it hard to believe that someone up there deems me worthy enough of receiving one of my own. I shouldn't be too bitter though. In fact I'm not. I've been blessed with other things during my life, a lot of things which other people haven't been blessed with, and for that I am grateful.

I have often gone to bed hoping that divine inspiration would enter my head as I sleep, and that I would wake up with everything as clear as a newly washed window pane, but that has not happened...not yet at least. I have prayed hard for clarity for so long now, not just for myself but for other people as well...hoping that the decisions I make will not come to haunt me in the future, as many of my past decisions have. I am still hopeful that things will turn out for the better though. Maybe I'm just to preoccupied with the details to see the big picture. Maybe I'm just too cynical for my own good.

It's Easter Sunday today. A time of rebirth, of starting anew. I'm not getting any younger, so I have to pick up where I left off, before I got sidetracked by those episodes of my life that I prefer not to think about.

Maybe lady luck will smile upon me this time. Maybe the miracles I have been waiting for are just around the corner. Maybe the risks I have been taking will finally pay off. There's no way to know other than continue on with this journey I started 37 years ago one September afternoon.

There's always hope. And there is always Someone pointing towards the right path. Maybe I should open my eyes, and not just rely on those voices within my head. Sometimes the things that you desire most are just there in front of you, but you're just too full of yourself to believe that good things can ever be that easy to find. I know I am..or was. Maybe believing in the miracles that are already around me...that may just be the key...to reinventing myself.

Happy Easter everyone.

Morning Prayer

2010-04-01T18:34:00.002+08:00

Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.

And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I believe.

I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly...

This is my prayer.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Commonwealth Ave. lot for sale....

2010-03-25T04:47:00.000+08:00

Just a repost. You never know who might notice.

Anyone here interested in purchasing a plot of commercial land located along Commonwealth Ave. in Quezon City? It's my father's property, and it has a lot area of 2,844 sqm., with a number of residential improvements. The frontage is a bit on the small side, at 14 m., but it directly faces Commonwealth Ave.

The lot has been on the market for quite a while, but since the real estate market has been down for some time now...well you know how it is.

Just in case you're interested, or know someone who is, please feel free to leave a comment or to email me at ronallandottk@yahoo.com. To cut the hassle, would prefer to deal with direct buyers only. Sometimes it can be quite hard dealing with a multitude of brokers and middlemen...you know how that is too. :-)

You can also call 9315575 if you have any inquiries.

Siteplan of the property.

Aerial view. The road at the top of the photo is Commonwealth Avenue.

Here's a tighter aerial shot. The improvements are clearly visible from this distance.

And just in case you're wondering, no, I didn't hire an airplane or a helicopter. Used Google Earth instead. :-)

Give Yourself the Best

2010-03-24T07:22:00.000+08:00

Your life has a purpose. Your life has great value.

You deserve to more fully discover and delight in that value with each passing day. You deserve to express that purpose again and again in new ways with every dawning moment.

Of course there are problems and pains and frustrations and annoyances and inconveniences and discomforts. But all those things, even added together, cannot come close to being as powerful and compelling as the unique value of your life.

Take a moment to put everything in perspective. The possibilities and opportunities will always far outweigh the difficulties.

There is a whole big wonderful universe that's yours to explore and experience. There are ideas, relationships, feelings, achievements and joys just waiting for you to know them.

Today, give yourself what you deserve. Give yourself the best life that you can imagine living.

- Ralph Marston

Setting myself up....

2010-03-23T22:10:00.004+08:00

I really hate this feeling, the feeling that I'm setting myself up for another fall.

It's been several years since I last felt this way, and despite the initial euphoria, I can't help but dread the bitter end that I may soon have to deal with.

I've always prided myself in my ability to distance myself from any situation which may cause me anxiety, but it's out of my hands. I never expected myself to fall down the rabbit hole this soon, but apparently, even without wanting to admit it, I have.

It's too soon, much too soon to be feeling the way I'm feeling, and common sense would dictate that I should contain whatever I have inside until the time is right, if ever that time should arrive. Unfortunately, the heart has a mind of its own, and insists on going its own way, despite my mind's protestations.

I'm too old for this. It's not as if I'm some pimple-face snot-nosed kid in high school who falls all over himself whenever he sees the object of his ardor. I'm not that far off from middle age, and I have years of experience under my belt, but all of this seems irrelevant. I'm too far gone now, and I have to watch myself lest I paint myself into a corner.

What to do, what to do...

There are times that I wish I didn't have to take risks, that I wish I haven't said things that I have said, admitted to things that only I know about, but as I've said before, life is not worth living without any risks, and with greater risk come greater returns...assuming the risk pays off of course.

Will the gamble I just made pay off? Honestly, I don't know, but I have this sinking feeling that the odds are not with me.

I never learn, do I? I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe I'm just too honest, maybe there are just some things that are better kept to myself.

No matter, what's done is done. I'm not backing away by any means, but I have to prepare myself for the worst. It's not that bad I suppose, the worst thing that could possibly happen is that I gain nothing. But it's really annoying though, feeling like you're at tip of the sword when you're nothing but a blunt end. Not only does the sword fail to stab, it also gets chipped, or worse, broken.

I guess my only consolation is that being chipped or broken is nothing new to me. I've been there many times in the past. I just thought that maybe, just maybe, I may have graduated from this, but no, I'm still here, a blunt end that I still insist on jabbing against an impenetrable barrier.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. It's a good thing holy week is coming up I suppose. It may be a good idea to shut myself away from the world again...like I always do.

Until then, all I can do is hope, and pray that my gamble pays off somehow. The way things are going, I may never be able to make this play again. If, not, well, you know what they say, it's better to have...well, you know. I'm not writing down anything that can be used against me. At least no one I know bothers to read my blog, so I'm probably in the clear.

Just because....

2010-03-21T16:54:00.007+08:00

When is a match a match? Why do we fall in love?

I've always wondered what is it that makes some relationships click, and some relationships fail. There are those who say that a perfect match would be someone who shares your traits, the theory being that if you have a lot in common, there would be less conflict between the two parties, thus preserving the relationship. There are those on the other hand who suggest finding someone who is totally different from you, so your traits and personalities complement each other, and the two of you become more that who you were as individuals, possibly, at the risk of some conflict if your personalities don't match to begin with. Does a formula for a successful relationship even exist?

What is it that actually makes you like or even love someone? What is the trigger that turns on the switch in your head (or your heart, if you're into metaphors), and all of a sudden you like, or perhaps even love someone? Do you need a reason to like someone? How about to love someone? Do you really need a reason for that either?

I've had my share of (failed) relationships, and for the life of me, I've never really been able to figure it out. All I know is, you like someone, just because. You love someone, just because. Any attempt to explain the reason why someone likes or loves someone is always an explanation in hindsight, because practically speaking, we don't establish criteria or evaluate potential partners before deciding to like or love them. It just happens, catches you off guard, like the proverbial thief in the night. We try to justify to ourselves why we feel the way we do after the fact, but that doesn't really explain why. It just makes us think that we're in control, when in truth and in fact, we are not.

Maybe I'm being naive. I do know for a fact that there are those who carry a list in their head on what they want their potential partners to be. To be honest I have a list like that of my very own. The funny thing is, while I have it, I've never been able to use it, since the women I've ended up with one way or another have never ticked off much of the items on my list. Try as you might, falling in love is not like buying a car. You can't outright decide what you want to start with, and there is no options list.

In a nutshell I guess this just means that there is no real reason why you would like or love someone else. It just happens. No fancy pros and cons comparisons, no cost-benefit analyses, no strategic framework, no project planning, no nothing. You just realize all of a sudden that you like someone, and that's that. End of story.

Pretty annoying though, this situation. As higher beings with a sense of self, we would like to think that we are in control of ourselves, of our emotions whenever we fall for someone, but no, we rely on instinct, gut feel, hope, and the abstract emotion that we call love, of which no standard practical definition exists. Just because.

What a drag. Would I have it any other way?

Not a chance.

There is no feeling as unique and as intense as the feeling of being in love with someone...and just trying to analyze it kind of takes away the fun from it.

At the end of day I suppose...when the bug bites, all you can do is hang on, enjoy the ride, and hope for the best...and not to think about it so much.

But this way is not without its risks.

We've all had friends at one time or another with partners who don't deserve them, either because of some vice or character flaw, and yet, for all our protestations, our friends don't see that...simply because they are in love, and love, as all of you may well know, is blind as a bat.

I guess, if you want to take a stab at happiness, you just take the plunge with guns blazing. Higher risks comes with higher returns. It's a gamble, but a gamble I would say that is worth the risk. Even if you crash and burn...still, it's a glorious way to go.

As the song goes, whatever will be, will be...the future's not ours to see...Que Sera, Sera.

When all is said and done, you were true to yourself, and the way you feel.

That's really not such a bad way to live now, is it?

If you'll excuse me now, I need a cigarette.