Wednesday, March 12, 2008

It's been a while....

It’s been a while.

I’m not really sure why I haven’t been posting anything lately. It’s not as if I’m having a dearth of things to blog about, on the contrary, I have a lot of things on my mind that I’m eager to commit to keyboard.

But I just haven’t gotten around to it. I guess I just have too many things on my mind right now.

But since this blog is not going to update itself, might as well go back to business.

The truth of the matter is, I’m facing a blank wall. I’m not particularly sure what I want to do with my life. I have a job, a son, myriad responsibilities and obligations but frankly, nothing much else comes to mind as being important or significant at this point in time.

I have a head full of dreams, but I may have to face the inevitable truth that perhaps some of them will probably remain dreams despite my best efforts.

Being in my mid-thirties, I may no longer have enough time to do all the things I’ve always dreamed I do, so it’s about time I perform a triage of sorts and prioritize the things that I still have a shot at.

Maybe that’s the reason why I haven’t been blogging lately. Perhaps I couldn’t get myself to accept that I have to compromise some of my dreams and aspirations. In my daily existence, I have learned to get used to the idea that compromises have to be made every now and then so as to get some desired result, but nonetheless, compromising your own lofty goals which you have held on for so long can be quite a bitter pill to swallow.

Sometimes you wish you can turn back time and undo some of the mistakes you’ve made in the past, but you can’t do that, and so you trudge along, hoping you don’t make any more mistakes that can compound the ones you’ve made before.

But sometimes, you find yourself so afraid of committing more mistakes, so you end up doing nothing.

Admittedly, I may be guilty of precisely that at one time or another.

Yes, I may be a productive (so to speak) member of society, I have a job, responsibilities, and the like, but sometimes I get the urge to escape from it all. I lock myself in my room, immerse myself in countless DVDs, books and computer games, trying to compensate for my shortcomings with an extensive knowledge of pop culture, arcane and obscure historical, scientific and mathematical treatises, and experience in virtual fantasy worlds, all in a rather futile attempt to avoid the answering the question that I have dreaded for some time now:

Now what?

And that is the million-dollar question.

At the back of my mind I’ve finally decided what to do with the rest of my life. Of course, it isn’t easy to look forward that far to the future, so I try to keep my goals in sight, and hope and pray that the timing and circumstances are right for me to forage ahead.

Let’s start with the little things. Like this blog for instance. At least, the fact that I have finally decided to post my thoughts after a hiatus of several weeks is, if nothing else, a positive sign that I am now comfortable with the decisions I have made.

But I shouldn’t get ahead of myself. There are still a lot of things that need to be done, issues that need to be addressed, responsibilities to be performed, obligations to be fulfilled, needs to be met.

For now, I can take small pride in the fact that I have decided. And that, for me at least, is half the battle won right there.





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