Through the looking glass...clearly

Things have been quite a blur for the past few days...a mish-mash of parties, alcohol, nights out, weddings and funerals...and a foot unceremoniously run over by a cab...:-) Hardly any time at all to stop and think...then it hits you. Have you ever felt caught between a rock and a hard place? Damned if you do...damned if you don't. Mind games...double meanings...and yet...through a little introspection, things are as clear as a sunny, cloudless morning in the month of May. Sometimes something which you feel you have been looking for all your life is standing right there in front of your eyes...so teasingly close so you can feel it…maybe even taste it…and yet, at the same time, so very distant, so far away.

Maybe it’s for the best. I know I don't deserve something this good. Which is what it should be all along...the truth of the matter is: it's just not meant for me.

I am only human. With human needs and desires...perhaps one of the basest and most primal of these is the need to be wanted...to be desired...or even loved...by someone else. Is that so bad? Alas, not all of us are lucky enough.

The last couple of days have been very pleasant for me...and it has really been a while since I last felt this good. But...to my mind...such pleasure shouldn’t be at the expense of another. I read once somewhere that most successful people tend to go farther in their respective fields because they tend to have a higher threshold for "evil" than most. While most of us balk at an issue involving morals...or ethics...between what is right and what is not...some plod straight ahead, damn the consequences. And to my dismay at times...I am not one of those people. On occasion it could even spell the difference between winners and losers. And I admit...despite any possible appearances to the contrary...I'm a loser. Always have been. Probably always will be. Perhaps the people around me don't think it...or don't believe it, but I always felt this way from as far back as I can remember. Not that I hate it or anything...this is just me.

This blog probably wouldn't make any sense to anyone reading this...(or does it...? ;-) haha) Well...we all have to do what we have to do...and for once...despite my initial confusion, internal rationalization, and the natural instinct to pursue what I may want…what I desire...I have opted to do the right thing...at least, I hope it's the right thing. Not that it really matters I guess. We all get what we deserve...whether we deserve it or not...

It was memorable. More memorable than I thought it would be. But I guess I have no choice but to move on. At least, there are no "what ifs," anymore. And YOU...yes you...you know who you are...thank you so much for your honesty...your kindness...and for treating me like someone special...if only for a very…very…brief moment.

Some say there is a reason for everything...perhaps there is...perhaps there isn't. To pursue this topic further would invite much philosphical, theological and existential debate. But...borrowing a few lines from Hoobastank's The Reason, maybe what I want to say could be best summarized in the following lines:

I'm not a perfect person, there are many things I wish I didn't do
And I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be
A reason to start over new, and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show, a side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do, and the reason is you.

A flair for the melodramatic...that's me...:-)

And so I find myself staring at the looking glass again...staring at an individual I'm not so sure I know that well anymore. He looks familiar...but...no. He's a little older...maybe wiser? Who can say? Maybe a little ragged around the edges, some worry lines, a bit of fear and concern deep in his eyes...but...is that a smile? Yes it is. By golly yes, it IS a smile...:-)...and oh yes...he needs a shave...while we're at it, a haircut wouldn't hurt...:-)

I lay the looking glass down...take a deep breath...smile to myself...and fade away....

This blog was never intended to make real sense...conceivably at first glance just like a code, or cipher, or an anagram. Like this one: "She is a gem or nicest thrill." Get it? ;-)

P.S. Just in case you read this...or understand the code...don't you DARE post a comment...well you can't anyway ;-) hahahahaha...see ya...

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