Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Setting myself up....

I really hate this feeling, the feeling that I'm setting myself up for another fall.

It's been several years since I last felt this way, and despite the initial euphoria, I can't help but dread the bitter end that I may soon have to deal with.

I've always prided myself in my ability to distance myself from any situation which may cause me anxiety, but it's out of my hands. I never expected myself to fall down the rabbit hole this soon, but apparently, even without wanting to admit it, I have.

It's too soon, much too soon to be feeling the way I'm feeling, and common sense would dictate that I should contain whatever I have inside until the time is right, if ever that time should arrive. Unfortunately, the heart has a mind of its own, and insists on going its own way, despite my mind's protestations.

I'm too old for this. It's not as if I'm some pimple-face snot-nosed kid in high school who falls all over himself whenever he sees the object of his ardor. I'm not that far off from middle age, and I have years of experience under my belt, but all of this seems irrelevant. I'm too far gone now, and I have to watch myself lest I paint myself into a corner.

What to do, what to do...

There are times that I wish I didn't have to take risks, that I wish I haven't said things that I have said, admitted to things that only I know about, but as I've said before, life is not worth living without any risks, and with greater risk come greater returns...assuming the risk pays off of course.

Will the gamble I just made pay off? Honestly, I don't know, but I have this sinking feeling that the odds are not with me.

I never learn, do I? I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe I'm just too honest, maybe there are just some things that are better kept to myself.

No matter, what's done is done. I'm not backing away by any means, but I have to prepare myself for the worst. It's not that bad I suppose, the worst thing that could possibly happen is that I gain nothing. But it's really annoying though, feeling like you're at tip of the sword when you're nothing but a blunt end. Not only does the sword fail to stab, it also gets chipped, or worse, broken.

I guess my only consolation is that being chipped or broken is nothing new to me. I've been there many times in the past. I just thought that maybe, just maybe, I may have graduated from this, but no, I'm still here, a blunt end that I still insist on jabbing against an impenetrable barrier.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. It's a good thing holy week is coming up I suppose. It may be a good idea to shut myself away from the world again...like I always do.

Until then, all I can do is hope, and pray that my gamble pays off somehow. The way things are going, I may never be able to make this play again. If, not, well, you know what they say, it's better to have...well, you know. I'm not writing down anything that can be used against me. At least no one I know bothers to read my blog, so I'm probably in the clear.





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