Sunday, April 04, 2010

How do you reinvent yourself?

So just how does one go about reinventing one's self? I've been too preoccupied pursuing a solitary goal or fearing forging ahead with the burden of past memories that I haven't really given much thought to doing anything else, or starting something new. Not that it has been easy pursuing a dream or starting fresh, but with recent events, I see now that I have no choice.

Either move on and go forward, or be trapped in things that have come to pass, and can never be changed.

With regard to one particular aspect, I have been forging ahead in a direction I have last taken almost a decade ago. To be honest I no longer am familiar with the rules of the game, nor am I familiar on how to go about it. The only thing I do know is to rely on the truth. Unfortunately relying on the truth is not always easy, nor is it guaranteed that success will soon follow, but at least it's a start. I have been wandering aimlessly for several years now, trying to get a grip on who and what I am, only to fall flat on the answers I have long sought after. Perhaps the answer is not within my head...but somewhere out there, and it is with this premise that I am attempting to forge a new path.

If you're one of the, I don't know, one or two people who read my blog...well to be honest, probably no one does anyway...I wish I can give specifics. But on occasion some wayward person I know does end up reading my entries, only to jump to the wrong conclusions.

Suffice it to say that what I've chosen to do is not without its risks, but sometimes you have to take chances to get to where you want to go. I've jumped from the precipice I have long stood alone on, and where I land, only time will tell. For once, maybe the truth and good intentions will take me to a better place. I can only hope for the best and hope that I get through to...well.

As for my other dream, I don't know just yet what to do now. It would be a relief to just pack it all up and move on to something else, and that in fact is what I want to do. At the back of my mind though, there is still this voice telling me to keep trying. Annoying little voice really. It has been hounding me for about sixteen years now.

Which leads me back to the question I started this entry with. So just how do I go about reinventing myself, while remaining true to the person that I am? I wish I knew. Maybe sooner or later it will come to me. Maybe miracles still do happen. I may find myself on the path I want to be in with hardly any effort, but that's not bound to happen anytime soon. While I still believe in miracles, I find it hard to believe that someone up there deems me worthy enough of receiving one of my own. I shouldn't be too bitter though. In fact I'm not. I've been blessed with other things during my life, a lot of things which other people haven't been blessed with, and for that I am grateful.

I have often gone to bed hoping that divine inspiration would enter my head as I sleep, and that I would wake up with everything as clear as a newly washed window pane, but that has not happened...not yet at least. I have prayed hard for clarity for so long now, not just for myself but for other people as well...hoping that the decisions I make will not come to haunt me in the future, as many of my past decisions have. I am still hopeful that things will turn out for the better though. Maybe I'm just to preoccupied with the details to see the big picture. Maybe I'm just too cynical for my own good.

It's Easter Sunday today. A time of rebirth, of starting anew. I'm not getting any younger, so I have to pick up where I left off, before I got sidetracked by those episodes of my life that I prefer not to think about.

Maybe lady luck will smile upon me this time. Maybe the miracles I have been waiting for are just around the corner. Maybe the risks I have been taking will finally pay off. There's no way to know other than continue on with this journey I started 37 years ago one September afternoon.

There's always hope. And there is always Someone pointing towards the right path. Maybe I should open my eyes, and not just rely on those voices within my head. Sometimes the things that you desire most are just there in front of you, but you're just too full of yourself to believe that good things can ever be that easy to find. I know I am..or was. Maybe believing in the miracles that are already around me...that may just be the key...to reinventing myself.

Happy Easter everyone.





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