Saturday, June 05, 2010

Am I too possessive?

Am I?

Someone close to me asked me once or twice if I'm the possessive type of person in a relationship. To be honest, I never really thought of myself as the possessive type. I've been in a few relationships in my life, and while I have my share of character flaws...more than my share actually, being possessive didn't seem to be one of them. I guess I could be mistaken for that though, because I am fond of giving my attention to someone I care for, but it doesn't really mean that I give my attention 24/7, nor do I obligate her to receive my attention, 24/7.

While I definitely enjoy the company of someone special, I would like to think that I know where the lines are drawn, and what things I shouldn't intrude into. I know this, because I tend to be a very private person myself, and indeed there are just some things that are better left to yourself.

Couples don't really have to tell each other everything. While I don't really like too many secrets between couples, it doesn't necessarily follow that one always has to tell the other everything. I suppose it depends on one's comfort level. If one is comfortable divulging all the details of his or her life, then let him or her do it by all means. If one isn't, then he or she shouldn't be forced to. Being forced to talk about stuff one would rather not only makes the person uncomfortable, and being uncomfortable is one of the last things you want when you're in a relationship.

I have this "thing" though. Not that I have many things like this, but there is this something I'm not really comfortable with... I just don't like it when a significant other (hypothetically speaking of course, since I may or may not have a significant other) would go out with another guy...just the two of them, even if I know there's nothing going on, even if I know that they're just friends...unless of course, they're related. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not...and I would like to think that I am not, but, that's it. That's my "thing". When I think about why such a situation upsets me, I guess it reminds me of less than pleasant things that happened in my past, that people aren't perfect and may fall to temptation, and that there are indeed people...who can...break your trust.

Looking at the big picture, it doesn't mean that I don't want my significant other (assuming I had one) living her own life, doing her own thing, going out with her own friends. Of course she can...and she should. Relationships should broaden the parties' horizons, and not limit them. A relationship is not a set of blinders one puts on the other party to narrow his or her view of the world. With respect to the "thing" I mentioned above, I just prefer it if she doesn't go out with another guy as a pair. It would be better it if they weren't just by themselves. Other than that, I don't really mind.

Maybe its paranoia I suppose. If I had the choice I'd simply rather not deal with the potential for gossip, the possibility of temptation no matter if remote, the emergence of doubt, or the chance for lies to rear their ugly heads. It's because yes, I've been in such a situation in the past, and no, it didn't turn out so good. The ironic thing is, it wasn't the going out with another guy, just the two of them which did me in. In fact I didn't mind...at least at the time. It was its aftereffects, which led to one thing and then another...and I don't really like thinking about it anymore.

What about now? If that "thing" happens again would it upset me? I guess it would. But would I be really, really upset? Probably not. Still...

Personally, I wouldn't do that, or at least avoid it as much as possible. That is, go out with another woman, as a pair. It doesn't really matter if we're not doing anything bad or illicit, or anything like that. It's just that I'd rather not give my significant other (again, assuming I had one) a reason to doubt me, and that's it.

Doubt leads to fear, fear leads to pain, pain leads to sadness...you know the rest. That's why I never liked it when there's doubt.

Back to the issue of possessiveness, I took this test just for the hell of it, and answered it as truthfully as I could. This is what I got:

Your score is 5. You don't really have any issues with possessiveness. You are a secure and trusting partner and this is to your credit. You don't let things get to you until you have a concrete reason to do so, and this makes for some really healthy relationships. Keep up the good work!

Go figure.

Maybe I'm really not that possessive at all. But let's see.





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