I've always prided myself for being strong...for being sure of myself. The irony is, that's all an illusion. An illusion I've built for myself to make sure that I'm always in a position of control, to give others the impression that I'm okay in my own little niche, the niche inside my head where I've often sought refuge to protect myself from the pain of the real world.
It's not often I drop that illusion to anyone I know. In fact, I can count on the fingers of one hand the times that I showed my true self to anyone, that of being a needy, insecure individual, devoid of self-confidence, always expecting things to go wrong, always in need of reassurance or validation of the things I do or think of.
Therein lies the rub.
It is this weak side of my persona...dare I say who I am for real, that I show to the few people I've really cared for. It is also this weak side...that disappoints them and drives them away. They see, and perhaps are attracted to the illusion of strength that I project, when in truth, despite my age, I am just a sniveling snot-nosed kid on the inside who needs someone to be there for me.
This is probably the reason why I have often been left behind through the years...and the reason why I've always been reluctant to be close to anyone in the first place...though I wouldn't want to admit it to myself. When I drop my mask, I'm just someone who's more of a burden that I'd care to think of myself as.
I guess this may well be one of those times again.
If this happens again, I may just have to admit the fact that I'm not one anyone would ever want to go out on a limb for, to takes risks for. I mean, why would anyone want to take a chance on someone who lives his life showing a false mask to the outside world, only to see a crumbling, rotten, termite-infested weak core on the inside?
It truly is ironic, if you think about it.
The only time I'm comfortable being my true self is with someone I really care for. But when they see who I really am under the surface...they turn tail and go...maybe not at first...but eventually.
It's not their fault I guess, even though I've spent years convincing myself that I'm a good person, an honorable person, a person who keeps his word. Maybe I really am not. I'm just weak. And no one wants to be with a weak person, who ends up being more of a liability than an asset. And no one really wants liabilities.
I guess this is the awful truth that I just have to accept.
It took me several years...but maybe that's what I need to admit to make peace with myself. That I'm just a burden to those I open up to...and I really don't want to be a burden to anyone.
If I lose what I have now...this would only confirm my worst suspicions about myself, and its probably not a good idea to show who I really am to anyone anymore.
It's disappointing...but I guess it can't be helped. Better I disappoint now than later I suppose...
Just when I was starting to feel really good about myself too...
I've always prided myself on being what I am. I guess what I really am on the inside is not something to be proud of.