Moving nowhere fast....

I'm tired. A slight headache...perhaps a bit of a hangover...? I'm tired of the same old routines...of playing the same games over and over again...of doing the same stuff...and dare I say...I'm tired of talking to the same people over and over again...seeing the same faces...talking about the same stuff....not that I appreciate them any less. The office...I'm tired of the office. Waking up at five, going to work, wasting my life for eight hours. I should be the one to talk, I've wasted the past several years brooding...thinking...wondering...waiting...all to no avail. As the Borg would say..."resistance is futile."

I learned a lot of lessons in my life. I've learned my limits...learned to push past them when the situation calls for it. I've learned a lot of stuff...perhaps 99.9% of it useless and trivial. Am tired of learning. Am tired of existing. I want to live! Perhaps I already forgotten how.

I'm tired of being there for everyone. I'm tired of always playing the fool...of being the one making the compromises...of being the understanding one. I'm tired of sympathizing. Has anyone been there for me? Honestly? I don't know. Never looked to anyone for help in a long...long time. I'm tired of reading the messages on my cellphone. For some reason alien to me, the messages I receive are very narrow in scope, and fall only within a limited number of categories.

These are:

1) Forwarded messages - I used to love forwarded messages, and still smile as a result of one on occassion. But let's face it. Forwarded messages are so insincere. If you wanna greet a person, greet that person in your own words. Yet we opt not to. We forward messages ourselves...hoping someone responds...or to show people we haven't forgotten them. The truth is, once we've decided to send forwarded messages instead of actually using our own words, we've already forgotten that person. Sad...and pathetic. Yet we all do this;

2) Technical questions - Maybe I shouldn't be too generous with technical advice. More times than I can count, I get messages ranging from "paano mag-format ng hard disk?" to "may serial number ka ng XP?" to "bakit nag-hang PC ko?" Last time I looked, I was never a help desk for technically challenged people. To be blunt about it, if you don't know what to do when your PC hangs, you probably don't have any business using one. Aw alright, just press CTRL-ALT-DEL (reminds me of a boss I once had...hahahaha);

3) Personal/legal/financial queries - Last time I looked, I wasn't a lawyer yet. Oh I hope to be...really, but now, no, am not one. Nor am I a banker/accountant. I'm not even a psychiatrist nor do I publish an advice column like Joe D'Mango. And yet...I'm still deluged by such messages. Why oh why? Why would anyone in his right mind need advice from a person who's deluged with his own personal and financial problems?;

4) Messages from people who want someone to listen...or to be cheered up - Let's face it. Texting me is probably less pathetic than calling dial-a-friend, the suicide hotline, or paying a psychotherapist by the hour :-);

5) People wanting my opinion - To be brutally frank...when was the last time did my opinion actually matter? That's just what I thought;

6) People asking me trivia - Like, what is the new name of Constantinople (it's Istanbul) or what is the Roman numberal for 500? (damned if I know). For the record, am not an encyclopedia. Try Googling it instead...;-);

5) People who want me to join them for a drink - This would be fine at least, but invariably, for the most part it seems, it ends up with them talking along the lines of the abovementioned categories...or worse...me paying. :-) Hahahaha;

6) People wanting to set me up on blind dates - Really now. Do I seem that pathetic? Oh shoot...yes...I probably am;

7) Girls turning me down on dates - Why? Because I ask the wrong girls. Why do I do that? Because I'm too stupid...which is why they say no in the first place...Dang;

If anyone would ask me when was the last time I received a sincere text message asking me how was I doing...to be honest, I don't remember anymore.

I ought to be a hermit.

This blog has turned out to be more than a rant than I thought. Do I mean any of it?...oh I don't know...probably just blowing out some steam. In all likelihood I'll continue being a sympathetic ear...a dispenser of advice...a technical help desk...an encyclopedia, and a desperate loser to the people I know. Hmmm...they must know something I don't. I guess am just that way.

Have to move on na. Been stuck in this rut for far too long. I think it was in a song by Baz Luhrmann...it was called Sunscreen I believe, which said: "don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." Somehow it feels so appropriate this very minute. Why must other people be reckless with what I feel?

Tomorrow I ought to feel better...and forget everything I wrote down here.

I'm tired.

*sigh*

Comments

BlindSpot said…
hey no fair...i think i'm one of those who bug you all the time right? Shoot me! While reading this entry I was laughing my heart out...why? Obviously, i'm one of the great many who disturb you...haha...great! Now i feel so guilty...hehe...
January 19, 2005 4:24 PM
Ronald Allan said…
Glad I made you laugh...:-) Hey, don't worry about it...if it makes you feel any better, virtually everyone I know is like that to me...so no need to feel guilty...and besides, I always enjoy listening to your rants...hahahaha ;-) tc
January 21, 2005 10:41 PM
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