No fear...or is there?

One time while driving my kid home on a Sunday evening he asked me a question. He said “Daddy, do you get scared?” I said “Yes. Sometimes.” He quickly followed up and asked me, “Of what?” I paused for a moment, thinking of how to explain concepts like failure, making wrong decisions or humiliation to an eight year old. Being in a hurry to give a reply, I took the easy way out and gave a simple example: “I’m afraid of getting sick.” I said. (I have a tendency of being a hypochondriac at times) I then asked him, “How about you? What are you afraid of?” My son then started out telling me a long winded story on ghosts, monsters, and other scary things he saw in movies and TV. As he continued with his story, my mind raced…what is it that I’m afraid of anyway?

As a child I was afraid of a lot of things. I was terrified of the usual stuff…the dark, ghosts, monsters, zombies, things that go bump in the night. I was also afraid of snakes, spiders, injections, dentists, of losing my parents, of dying. As I grew older, I lost some fears, and gained new ones. I lost my fear of the dark, of ghosts, and learned to be afraid of flunking classes, girls, humiliation, and rejection. Now I’m a grown adult…and a lot of those fears still remain. As a child and young adult I was terribly self-conscious and unsure of myself…and as a result I was often alone, afraid of matching up to my peers. Probably it was at this time that the seeds of being a loner were planted in my personality. I still am a loner. It’s amazing how much of your personality develops in your early and later childhood…and how much of it remains with you throughout your life. A lot of the fears I had way back then I still have up to now. Perhaps to a lesser extent. But yes. They’re ALL still there.

Fear is an emotion…something supposedly developed by millions of years of evolution…meant to protect us, to keep us from harm. I guess fear would serve its purpose protecting our ancestors from saber-tooth tigers and other predators, but how does it serve us today in modern society? As adults, though we retain some fears over physical threats, like heights, insects, wild animals, or perhaps violent crimes committed against us, we tend to be more afraid of intangible objects relating to other people, our relationship with them, and how they perceive us. Things like failure. Or a bad reputation. Of being rejected by others. Of being humiliated. Of being wrong. Of being alone. Of being hurt. And the list goes on. Apparently the fear is universal. Of being hurt in a relationship for example, virtually everyone I’ve talked to regarding this matter is afraid of being hurt by someone they love. Deny it as much as we want, deep down we truly care about how other people perceive us. Millions of years of our pre-historic ancestors living in small groups have seen to that.

Oftentimes I find myself still unsure of myself. Of the decisions I make, of the paths I choose. I’m very much afraid of making a mistake. Of failing. Of not living up to the expectations of others. I may not show it, but deep inside I have remained the timid and unconfident boy I was in my adolescence. It IS kind of strange and ironic if you think about it. Fear is an emotion meant to be directed at the unknown. We all have the tendency to be fearful over things we know nothing about, or things we have no control over. In that regard, fear can be a very powerful motivator.

Fear can make us strive for things, or take charge of situations. It can make us more prepared for the unknown. It heightens our awareness of our surroundings, and makes us more attuned to the circumstances surrounding us. It makes us avoid mistakes. Too much fear though, can leave us completely paralyzed and helpless, in effect leaving us totally incapable of defending ourselves from any threats. One could therefore conclude that it is healthy to always have some fears. Having none make us foolhardy. Having a lot makes us useless. It’s something like water. The right amount can keep you alive. Too much and you drown in it. So what does that make me? I have had more than my fair share of things I am afraid of…though nothing of such magnitude that I am unable to do anything about it. Maybe this is all about facing your fears…staring your enemy straight in the eyes…because more often than not, the enemy is yourself.

I glance at my kid. All of the talking must have tired him out, as he is now peacefully dozing off. You can never look at a sleeping kid and be tense. I smile to myself, fascinated on how an innocent question can lead to so much internalization and introspection. Kids ask the darndest things, their very curiosity capable of opening a window into your own soul. More so I guess, if the kid is your very own child. For in dissuading their fears, you actually dissuade your own.

This blog entry was supposed to be about fears. Turned into something about children and self discovery….

"Fear . . . is forward. No one is afraid of yesterday."

- Renata Adler

"A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."

- Edgar Watson Howe