Moving on versus getting over....

Last night I had a very interesting conversation with a friend. We talked about a lot of things, including some topics that I didn't really prepare myself for. Sometimes you can learn a lot about yourself by seeing how you answer questions that you didn't expect to be asked. I guess without the benefit of premeditation and forethought we have no other recourse but to speak from the heart. Hmmm...I guess I'm in for it now. Baring one's thoughts is child's play compared to baring one's heart. You have no choice but to drop your defenses. Well, as I am so fond of saying, some risks are definitely worth taking.

I would like to think that the conversation was fruitful and insightful in more ways than one. During our talk we came across a rather profound observation. We talked about the differences between "moving on" and "getting over." It appears that the vast majority of people, her friends, and my friends alike, seem to consider the two terms identical and interchangeable. I would like to digress. If you really take the time to think about it, the two terms are literally worlds apart.

"Moving on" refers to the idea of going on with the rest of your life right after a failed relationship. It could mean a lot of things, including, but not limited to, getting a new job or career, starting a business, getting back to work, moving to a different place, trying something new, having a new hobby, carrying on from the time you last put your life on hold, or getting into a new relationship. It would seem that the most common interpretation for "moving on" is the last one, that is, getting into a new relationship, but given the other instances I've mentioned above, this is not by any means the only definition for "moving on." I'm sure most of you will agree, there are a lot more ways to "move on" than just jump into a new relationship. It may not even be advisable actually, since a person may not have "gotten over" the previous love.

So we go to "getting over." What do you mean by "getting over?" I never really attempted to define what "getting over" means before, so here goes my pathetic attempt: "Getting Over" means being able to sort out, or deal with one's emotions after a relationship has just ended. It's very rare, if ever, that one can just turn off one's feelings for another like a light switch even after the relationship has gone south. The love, or what remains of it, will still linger for some time, possibly with some anger, sadness, confusion, and in extreme cases perhaps even hatred, depending on the circumstances surrounding the break up. We can finally say a person has finally "gotten over" someone when he or she has finally sorted out or reconciled how he or she feels about the other person, whether good or bad, with the reality that they are no longer together. It does not necessarily mean that all the feelings are gone. As we all know, it could sometimes take months, even years, for that to happen.

With that in mind, "moving on" and "getting over" are two distinct events in the aftermath of a relationship which met an untimely end. I just can't understand why some people seem to confuse the two. A person can "move on" without necessarily "getting over" or "get over" without necessarily "moving on." Admittedly, for a time I guess I fell in the latter category.

On occassion someone would still ask me if I still had feelings for my ex-wife. I would give the obvious answer, which is: "No, I don't have any more feelings for her." Then they would invariably follow it up with the question: "so why don't you have a girlfriend yet?" I usually reply "because I haven't found the right girl yet." Really now, am I obligated to get into a relationship just because I'm over a past love? I don't think so.

The friend I was telling you about at the start of this post put it so succinctly when she said: "Sometimes we choose to be alone." I added: "It's better to be alone that to be with someone who's wrong for you." And besides...being alone isn't all that bad. :-)