On marriage, spouses, annulment and divorce....

Foreword:

This is one of my very first posts, made more than a year ago. Just thought I'd post it again.

Since it is more than a year old, and written during the dawn of my blogging days, it doesn't really meet my present standards as far as the writing style and thoroughness are concerned, especially taking into consideration the fact that it deals with a rather touchy subject for some. Then, I just wrote for myself, about whatever comes to mind, without any regard for the sensitivities of an audience. A year later, some things have changed. Not only are there people kind enough to actually read what I post, my thoughts about the subject have also changed somewhat...mellowed down if you will, perhaps because of time and age.

However, I still think this post is still interesting, even a year down the road. Consequently, I didn't bother updating or rewriting it, and posted it exactly how it came out a year ago. As such, if you find it lacking in some aspect, don't forget to treat it for what it is...simply an old post, possibly written ahead of its time.

(Foreword dated November 25, 2005.)




I'm 32 years old, and I have been married once. That marriage had been over for the past five or so years, and declared null and void for the last two. Yet on occasion...like now for example...I still tend to reflect and ponder over it.

Divorce/annulment rates are on the rise, more so in developed and developing countries. I predict a trend: in a about a couple of generations...less than a hundred years...marriage would not be a prevalent custom or tradition between couples as it is today. It's just a matter of time before divorce/annulment rates take up a major portion of the marriage numbers...making marriage an inconsequential and insignificant undertaking.

Even now, we see the effects of this trend. Whereas marriage used to be an end in itself...a life decision...with lifetime consequences...it is common knowledge that marriage has not been as durable as a bond between couples as it was in the past. Instead, it is now considered more or less a stop over, a temporary and reversible state, much so that it is no longer unusual to see people move in and out of marriages repeatedly throughout their lives.

Don't get me wrong. I still respect marriage. In fact, I'd rather be married than single. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, or still cling to old morals and values, but a lot of people nowadays feel just the opposite.

Maybe it was inevitable. Historically, it has only been in the last forty to fifty years or so when we saw divorce/annulment rates skyrocket. And why did this happen? The number of broken marriages started a slow but steady upsurge when women started empowering themselves...the women's liberation movement of the 60's perhaps? Before, no matter how abusive, irresponsible, or downright unpleasant husbands became, their wives never left them, never filed for divorce, never separated from them. Why? Simply because they did what was expected from them at the time. Women were supposed to be homemakers, and unquestionably loyal to their husbands, no matter what. Nowadays, this sentiment hardly exists anymore, and women are hardly expected to remain silent in the face of spousal abuse. Of course, I do not condone abusive, irresponsible or unfaithful husbands...and women have the right to leave any environment...such as marriage...that is detrimental to their well being. But it seems that with our modern society granting equal status to women as a sex, the place of men being the traditional heads of families is now up for grabs. The logic is: if women can do anything men do, why can't they perform the functions of being head of a family?

Well, the reality is, yes, they can. However, this role as far as women are concerned puts them directly at odds with several thousand years of social traditions and customs which assume that the man is the indisputable head of a family. Perhaps this precept makes this pattern go against several million years of evolution as well. The end result of this is that there will be an inevitable clash for leadership of the basic block of human society...the family. And in the process, we can expect many families to be casualties of this conflict. I know I was. Maybe.

In the future, we will have women bearing children by different men. We have men living up to their polygamous nature. Marriage as a social institution will probably cease to exist, or probably still exist as an exception to general rule. In fact we can even see this happening today...just look around you. If this isn't the middle of some trend, I don't know what else it is. Scary? Perhaps. Society is changing faster than our sense of morals can keep up with it. And fear brings up a vicious cycle...fear of the weakening marriage bonds only weakens it further...in effect even less people would dare risk getting married.

This idea somewhat lodged itself in my brain after watching the movie The Stepford Wives. In the movie, husbands actually went as far as reprogram their wives with mid 20th century values...turning them into plain homemakers and housewives....The movie wasn't all that bad, and the premise was...intriguing to say the least. What will the family be like in the future? I cannot say with complete certainty, but it will be different from what we know. Same sex marriages are already in the horizon. What else is in store for us in the future? Whether it will be better...or worse, remains to be seen.

(Originally posted November 23, 2004)

Comments

rain said…
For someone who's been 'there', I'll take your word for it...it's really sad. Like in the old days, people who believes in something that the majority regards as unorthodox are called heretics...I think it's heresy now to say that marriage can still work and last. It's sad that people have this kind of mindset about the matter...
TK said…
Guys. No offense. But I hope you're both wrong on this one. anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to both of you (belated)!
Anonymous said…
Marriage is like gambling – win or loose. My first bet was an irreconcilable difference. The second bet was no common interest. The third is tolerable to retire in which I intend to build upon this pot of gold.

The facets of marriage are a remarkable phenomenon. For some, there’s the spiritual connotation in the same token a business that protects the interests of both parties.

Divorce and separation appears to be a hip quite acceptable by the society nowadays. It is a convenient way out that offers both advantages and disadvantages to either party (applicant and respondent), it may not always be the first viable option. For the ladies, know the law so that it does not override your written stipulations and never sign a pre-nuptial agreement hahahhaah. For the guys, I recommend pre-nuptial agreement if you’ve got a lot to loose. Thinking of “Common Law Marriage”? Know that there are limitations to your rights.

For those marrying for the first time, love is a many splendor thing and some says that love is in the air, till deaths do us part and nothing else in the world matters other than love. The cake is good however the icing stale easily. Individual discoveries may take a month, a year of patience, and several years’ of intolerable confinement.

Is it really worth the wait when better opportunities lies ahead in which deserving mate await your knights and shining amour or the sweetness of the feminine charm? I don’t have the patience to settle for less, but I will restore the historical memories and keep my experiences a lesson

Having said all, marriage for me is mind of matters and not heart over mind while maintaining love in moderation. Too much love can be your own potent potion of poison.

IMOFMOE
Ronald Allan said…
Rain: That does indeed seem to be the prevailing mood, but I do hope not. See next comment. :-)

TK: You and me both. Suffice it to say despite all the setbacks marriage as an institution has faced in this time and generation, I still have faith in it.

May: I have to agree. Women are no longer the same as they were in the past. Whether its for the better or for the worse, I'll leave that question hanging. :-)

Snglguy: Nice to meet a kindred spirit. :-) Now let's find Snglgirl, wherever the hell she is. :-)

CL: Too much love can be your own potent potion of poison. - Couldn't have put it any better myself. :-)
Anonymous said…
the best words, in my opinion, that has been said of marriage and companionship came from Beverly Clark, the character Susan Sarandon plays in the movie "Shall We Dance":

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."
Anonymous said…
Shall we dance?

It takes two to do the tango. Beginners almost always steps on each other's toe. How willing are the dancers to learn the next few steps in harmony with the tune? If I am one of the students witnessing the repeated difficulties of these two dancers, I will probably remind the instructor that they are consuming valuable time that is taken away from the others who wish to learn.

What I meant with the above analogy. An amount of sacrificing is good but there’s a limit to witnessing a dysfunctional family carry on about their business. Young children should not be made to witness their parent’s childish behavior which will affect their behavior later on in life. Friends and neighbors should not be made to shoulder their crappy life each time they choose to manipulatively cry over somebody’s shoulder seeking empathy or the police being called constantly to ensure that no one are dead from the physical violence.

I am all ears in the same token; I can be so deaf when I am repeatedly confronted with the same the drama. I will not be bias to feed a friend’s ego by simply being a witness. Do something about it – or I will do something that may increase your stress – having your child remove from your home (Children’s Protective Service in US, Children’s Aid Society in Canada).

The debilitating marital conditions in P.I., how is dealt with as far as the law is concerned? If you call on the cops, how soon will they show up? Do they also have government services that protect the interest of children? Sheltered homes for battered women? Or battered husbands?


Like the song? :)
Ronald Allan said…
Bambit: Long time no see. :-) While I see the analogy, perhaps the true essence of a relationship, a marriage, is not just to have a witness to your life, but someone to share with it in a participative manner. Not just to see and observe. Otherwise we would get the same fix by joining Pinoy Big Brother. :-)

I guess that goes without saying. though. :-)

But it is quite a romantic notion put that way. :-)

CL: Improving, but somewhat still far from the ideal. Domestic violence is now taken seriously, and there are quite a lot of means now to get support for its victims, both from the government and from the private sector.

As far as police arriving on time...well. :-D
trixi said…
Just stumbled onto your site :)
It's easy to understand why people become jaded after a failed marriage. The good news is, often they come around after some time has passed. In two weeks I am marrying someone who already had a brief, unpleasant, marriage. He thought he would never marry again. I get much hope from all the stories I hear of people who bomb the first time and do it right the second time. You can find your happily ever after, eventually! Wish me luck.

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