Thursday, May 06, 2010

Flummoxed....

I've always thought that I had a relatively good eye when it came to reading people, to sizing them up, figuring out their intentions, gauging their reactions to stuff. On certain occasions though, I find myself flummoxed by some individuals whom I can't seem to read at all, no matter how hard I try. I either get no signals, or pick up mixed signals that I can't seem to interpret.

That's all well and good, since that happens to all of us at one time or another...that's why even as an intelligent specie we still get into fights...and nations get into wars.

From my end, it all seems bittersweet. Bittersweet because it involves someone I deeply care about, and at this juncture, it would seem that there is hardly any room for error. Any small mistake could cost me the race...and apparently I committed a big one. A really big one.

I honestly didn't think I'd get the reaction I did. If I did then I wouldn't have done the thing I did. But it happened, and the damage, to my chagrin, has been done...and it seems pretty devastating. I wish I can undo the damage, but alas, what's done is done, and if apologies can't make things better, than nothing probably will anymore.

I really feel bad about this. What transpired only brought my worst fears to bear, that despite my efforts...I'm really just one of the guys, or worse, someone less. People can't make up reactions like that...it's genuine...and therefore I'm sunk.

My chest feels tight, I find it hard to breathe, to relax. I've had an anxiety attack for what seems to be hours, and I'm trying to cope as best I could. It's just hard to accept the truth that...well...I am who I am, and the person I am is nowhere near the situation I'd like to be, in fact I'm probably farther off if I never embarked on this endeavor.

Despite everything, I'm still the pathetic, solitary soul I was at the start. Sometimes I ask myself why this is my lot in life, to exist in solitude for what seems to be the longest time, when I have a lot to contribute.

Maybe this is my destiny. Maybe I'm fated to be this way. For happiness to be always within sight...but never within reach.

If that were indeed the case, I wish reincarnation was true.

Next life please.





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