Thursday, May 13, 2010

My immortal....

The human lifespan is a paradox.

It's too long if you live a miserable life, yet too short if you live a happy one, much like six years is too long for a bad President, and too short for a good one.

And it doesn't seem to be fair...you spend almost twenty years or so in school, possibly more, filling your head with knowledge supposedly necessary to get you through life, get a job, build up relations, start a family, accumulate resources, and just when you feel like everything is about right, you'll find out that life has passed you by, and you're just waiting for the grim reaper to show up with scythe in hand, ready to harvest your soul.

To be honest I was never really afraid of dying, I always felt that it was something that was bound to happen sooner or later, so there really was no sense getting worked up over something that was inevitable in the first place. And besides, it always felt like I never had anything to lose...at least that's how I felt, over the past several years.

There are times though, rare as it may seem...that I feel that I found something worth living for, and all of a sudden, I don't want to die...at least not yet.

I wish I was immortal. That only happens in fiction though, no one really lives forever, and if you really think about it, why would you even consider it?

Ironically enough, I would surmise that immortality would suit me just fine. They say that if you live forever, eventually you would be alone because everyone you know or love would eventually grow old and pass away. But what if you're already alone from the very start? What if you forego all attachments, sever all connections, and live your life as a mere observer of mankind, never to be a part of it? Frankly, this has been one of my fantasies, this and living in a zombie-infested post-apocalyptic nightmare, but that's one for another post. :-)

This is all hypothetical though, we are all destined to die one day. It is part and parcel of the human condition that we strive to improve our lot in the limited period of time that we exist on this earth. To work through our failings and shortcomings, and to bask in our successes, until our bodies give out and we move on to the great beyond. Before that happens though, we leave behind our children, teach them to learn from our mistakes, and encourage them to move towards directions we can scarcely imagine...to move forward, wherever that takes them.

I'm lost. I forgot the point of this post.

Okay, I remember.

In a way it's a bit scary to find something to live for...in fact it's a dual-edged sword that can take your head off in more than one way. If you lose that something...you lose all reason for being, and you end up not caring one way or another about the world you live in. I should know...I've been there, done that. And even if you don't lose that something, sometimes you end up being paranoid, fearing that you may lose that something important to you, something that gives you a reason to live. One thing about existing as a blank is that, once you're no longer a blank slate, you fear going back to the way you were.

I suppose, if you live forever, you wouldn't give a crap anymore. You would have the entirety of eternity to regain whatever you lose, to lose whatever you regain. But then again, if that is indeed the case, life would be pointless, as there would no longer be any risks involved. You can just do any permutation of existence as you may care to try, never mind the losses, and just reap the benefits. Much like playing every known combination in the lottery. Yes, you'll end up winning, but at the cost of your humanity.

I guess I'm just used to being sad. Sadness may be an awful emotion, but it's a safe emotion. If you're sad, you can't get any sadder, and there's always the chance that you may become happy eventually. On the other hand, if you're happy, there's no where else to go but be sad, and I don't like thinking about that possibility.

Immortal or not.

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears...

- Opening line from the song "My Immortal", by Evanescence.

Postscript:

This and the preceding post's titles seem to have been inspired by songs. Song lyrics seem to have a way of being good material for thought experiments. Maybe I'll write more similar posts in the future. At least, with regard to songs I can relate to my own measly experiences.





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