Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Ghost fighter....

It would seem that I have been posting entries on my blog more than usual. This typically happens when I have a lot of things on my mind. I'm really not one who likes talking about my thoughts with other people, so blogging is my way of venting, of getting things off my chest.

This actually puts me in a disadvantage so to speak, as this blog invariably ends up as a window to my thoughts, thoughts that I hardly share with anyone else. No one I know actually reads this stuff though, except for maybe a handful, and that includes one particularly curious individual, whom I...well...you know. Not that I mind though, for a moment it just felt...weird, being this transparent and all, but I'm past that now.

Besides I've been posting my thoughts on this blog for almost six years now, and I'm not about to stop.

It's hard competing with a ghost. I've never been in this situation before, and I never realized how difficult competing with a ghost can be. There's nothing much I can do about it, except go about the way I usually go about...to just be there...give my assurances...and hope for the best. There are times though, that I think it isn't enough. Question is, what else can I do?

In a way I understand. It was never easy for me either to get past over some previous episodes in my life. I was able to cope by simply convincing myself that everything that happened happened for a reason, that I am better off, that I don't deserve someone that weak in spirit and resolve, and that it's sometimes better to quit while you're ahead, before more mistakes are committed in the future. To be honest it didn't work all the time though...the heart wants what the heart wants, the consequences be damned. The heart is not totally unreasonable though...if the mind softly urges it to let go, it does eventually, but like everything else, it takes time.

In the meantime though, I still have to compete with ghosts...some abstract amalgamation of past memories and unrealized future expectations buried deep inside one's head. Not that I'm deterred or discouraged of course...as if I would give up just like that...but still...it's a bit hard being compared to an ideal...an ideal that for all intents and purposes hardly exists anymore...at least, as far as I know. That's because I'd fall short. Every time. No one wins against an ideal. That's why they're called ideals.

One thing I realized in my years is that letting go of something...or someone...actually starts the moment you decide to really let go. There are some of us...me included...who are quick to say that we have decided to move on when in truth and in fact we are still holding on, either due to some misplaced sense of loyalty or the faint hope that things will reverse themselves, or that this is all a dream...a nightmare actually...and we still haven't woken up. We fantasize about the other party coming back to us, begging us for forgiveness, promising never to leave our side again, sins, flaws and defects be damned. Ugh. These feelings aren't actually good for us...but we all succumb to then one time or another. Eventually these, like everything else good or bad, fades away, and we indeed move on. But despite this, we never really get to forget. We get on with our lives, but we're never really the same persons we were before. It's a bummer I know, but that's just how things are.

Competing with ghosts can mean getting taken for granted in a way sometimes...simply because you're there...and the ideal isn't. Human nature seems to have this way of concerning itself over things that don't exist over things that do. God knows I do that sometimes...actually I do that a lot, always looking at the glass half-empty and never half-full.

I never did like the feeling of being taken for granted though. It makes me feel unwanted and unimportant. But then again, it's not as if I'm in a position to claim that I was ever wanted or important, so I guess this comes with the territory. To put it another way, I haven't been demoted, nor should I even complain about being demoted, if for no other reason than the fact I've never actually been promoted in the first place.

I hope things will normalize soon. Then again, I really have no idea what "normal" means, so let's just see what happens. This is hard. But I'm in this for the long run, so I'll just keep rolling with the punches, and hope that good things come to those who wait.





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