Crushes, courtship and the stupid moron....

When Aaron, my eight year old son was spending his vacation with me last week, he told me about a girl at school that he had a crush on. My son...not so long ago I was still holding his hand while he was learning to walk...now, he's interested in girls. :-)

The girl's name is Felicia, and my son gave me a long winded story...without even stopping for breathe... about how he would look at her and then turn away when she looked back, and despite the fact that he had a crush on her, he was annoyed with her sometimes because she seemed to have this habit of always teasing him. I asked him "So why didn't you tell her that you like her?" Instead of replying, my son would grimace and squirm uneasily or cover his mouth as if telling the girl the he liked her would result in some fate too horrible to even speak of. Perhaps similar in a way to Hogwarts students' reluctance in mentioning Voldemort's name ("He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," "You-Know-Who") as if that person can hear you even from some other far away place. You know what the funny thing is? Despite our age gap, for some strange reason, I can actually relate to how he feels. :-)

I've had my fair share of relationships (get a grip, it wasn't that many) and was even married for a time before I turned single again (yes I am single, wipe that smirk off your face). And yet...dare I say it? Courtship has always been highly stressful for me, with invariably the same symptoms and manifestations. Symptoms? You may think that I consider the prospect of actually courting a girl tantamount to having bubonic plague our a bout of malaria. But it happens, and I actually just can't help it. Courting a girl does weird things to me, things that I can't explain. Things such as:

1. An inexplicable apprehension...more like a foreboding feeling of dread that something bad is going to happen...perhaps a premonition? Or just paranoia...:-)

2. A feeling of the chest tightening...you know, just like having a heart attack. Or wearing a bra that is too tight. Not that I ever had a heart attack before (!) hahaha...

3. Sweatier than usual palms. Makes wall climbing or weightlifting a very dangerous activity during these trying times...:-)

4. Loss of appetite...well, I guess it's not that bad, considering that I'm always trying to lose weight, am I not?

5. Difficulty sleeping, and waking up at weird hours. (I was always an insomniac, but falling asleep at 2 and waking up at 4? Hello!!!)

6. An insatiable urge to crack jokes interspersed with nervous laughter and engage in lengthy monologues at the office about absolutely nothing. On occassion fits of unusual silence...:-)

7. A propensity to be easily startled...much to my officemates' perverse delight...:-)

8. A tendency to smoke more...this is bad, have significantly reduced my smoking habit to a few sticks a week, only for it escalate again...

9. A penchant for avoiding work...oops scratch that. I always avoid work. :-)

10. Lastly, an inexplicable fascination and empathy for soap operas and romantic chick flicks. Damn! Gimme my action flicks and "R" rated movies back! :-)

Oh well. One thing about these symptoms is that they inevitably pass, one way or the other, God willing and with any luck without the fits of depression and isolation that usually follow soon after the utterance of one of these oh-so familiar lines to me: "Can we be friends?" (pero marami na akong friends e!) or "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." or my all-time favorite: "It's not you, it's me."

For some perverse and twisted reason, I kinda find that last paragraph extremely funny. :-) Then one of these days, I'll hear one of those lines again and silently I'll tell myself: "Look who's laughing now fool!" *shudder* There's nothing like an honest to goodness rejection to make you wish you had never been born, like someone just ripped out your heart and shoved it in front of your face before you died. Of course that's an extreme way of describing it...but oh-so accurate. :-)

I guess that's what I deserve for having a tendency for being emotionally involved early on. But somehow, I just can't seem to picture going through all of this without nary a hint of emotion. Oh well talaga. Either I'm a hopeless romantic or a moron. Moron is right. Di pa rin ako nadadala. Ano ba yan? Don't they shoot hopeless romantics nowadays? And somehow being a moron doesn't seem all that bad...in fact they get elected to public office or promoted at work. :-)

Going back to my son...oh, he probably doesn't need my advice. When I was his age, I actually ran away from my crushes whenever I see them. In fact I still have that urge sometimes. I'll let you know how Aaron's situation turns out in the future. But I'm not worried. He's his father's son. :-) As for me, I wonder if I can find some Valium lying around the house? :-)

To people I know who read this post, don't even bother talking to me about this, 'cause my lips are sealed. :-)